Oh Trevor, u sure will be missed. But i do understand the need for a break from the internet. To be quite honest, i could probably use one too lol But i applaud u for being self aware enough to know what u need and what is best for u and recovery right now. I look forward to ur return in 90 or so days (if u choose to return). Good luck with all ur endeavors friend 
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Glad to hear that. I definitely understand getting sick or having the flu can really throw you off your routine and I feel like for me that was the worst part when I recently got over my respiratory infection. It’s funny because in the past I would’ve loved any excuse to lay around or not do anything even if it meant being sick but those days are long gone. I much rather go to work and to my meetings and everything else I’m doing and be able to go to the skate park then be laying in a dark room depressed. Playing hooky used to be fun lol it’s not anymore. Anyway glad you’re better.
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Yeah I’ll definitely be back in probably about three months. I’m definitely going to make this a part of my routine every year to take a step away from the smart phone and Internet for a few months. It’s not even about Talking Sober as much as it is about all the other aspects of having a smart phone and Internet. It’s easier said than done sometimes to be like I’m just going to watch a couple clips on YouTube and next thing you know three hours has passed. During my little hiatus a little bit ago I was so productive and honestly had so much less anxiety. But this is just my experience that the Internet and smart phone can easily overwhelm me. I definitely have to pay attention to what’s really going on internally
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Be wise my friend. Use your sober tools and dont hesitate to reach out
Much love
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Take care of yourself and your kitty cat! Wishing you the very best with everything! Thanks for saying something instead of just disappearing and thanks for leaving your content and not deleting it. See you in a couple months.! Best wishes.
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Thank you guys very much. Beyond grateful for this community. Have Learned so much And hope to continue to give back in the future!!
Definitely going to do some more reading around on here the next couple hours and might make another post on this thread. Just had an interesting conversation with this homeless guy who is struggling with alcohol. Unfortunately he’s unable to connect the dots in the fact that the alcohol is causing his problems in life. I tried to talk to him about how I understand how being homeless becomes normal but that he can live a life without alcohol and be content plus Be able to adjust to regular life. I gave him my number and told him to call me if he wants help getting into medical detox or just needs someone to listen. Moments like that or conversations like that that make me so grateful to come back to my apartment and relax in the air conditioning. Sometimes it’s the little things. So glad I’m not out there walking the streets and sleeping on concrete. Miserable and exhausted. So grateful
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Trevor, you’ll be missed! Thanks for so much insight. Look forward to your return. Stay safe and well!
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8/29/25
Life update/ journal entry
I’ve been struggling to find a balance with the Internet and couldn’t go as long as I wanted. I went about two or three weeks with absolutely no Internet usage and then started periodically switching my Sim card back to my iPhone. I guess I can’t beat myself up and just have to somehow find a balance. I’m not sure exactly what makes the smart phone and Internet feel so toxic for me.. Even if I try to be careful about the content I’m watching or how I’m using the internet it can still feel negative or I feel like my time could be better spent working at my goals or doing a hobby. But then also there is the side of the situation where maybe it’s a good thing that I care and think about these things. I really have changed and I don’t just want to be wasting time because It feels like I have 20 years to make up for. In active addiction the majority of my time was spent Watching movies or endlessly scrolling and sometimes comparing my life to other peoples lives. Even though the reality is that social media and Internet lives Are most of the time not reality or what’s really going on with the people I’m seeing or what I’m watching.
As far as my life right now overall I’m extremely grateful and I’m actually living. I take care of my responsibilities So that I have the freedom to ride my bike and go to the skate park and things like that. The bond between me and nova is growing (the cat I pretty much adopted or stray cat I started taking care of) I never thought I would be a cat person and you guys might think it was a joke but I was seriously terrified of cats. But that’s not the case anymore. Sometimes the best part of my day is coming home and feeding her or petting her and just talking to her. I still let her go outside as much as she wants because I know she likes to explore and be outside. It’s such an interesting relationship because I really can understand and I can’t Expect her to 100% adapt to being inside. It’s really the same for when I had to learn about having permanent shelter and it was weird. I’ve taken her to the vet to get shots and she has lots of toys and a very comfortable bed on my desk. And there’s probably a very good chance I’m going to take her when I go to my parents house but hopefully she can adapt to being outside there as well and sometimes inside.
I started a new job at this hardware store that has been family owned for 100 years . It really is a special place… it’s actually not a new job because I worked there 10 years ago. The owner heard through the grapevine that I was looking for a different job outside of the restaurant industry. I used him as a reference and then he called me to see if I would want to come back to work at the hardware store. At first when he called he just wanted to see how I was doing and then 10 minutes into the conversation I realized he was about to hire me. It’s a much better environment for my recovery and mental health. And it’s also 10 hours every single week overtime. And every single person working in there is either in Recovery or just never had a problem. My duties include helping customers, operating the forklift, stocking merchandise, cutting keys, and basic labor work. I think it was some kind of sign because I was starting to get frustrated with the job search and honestly not in 1 million years did I think I would be able to go back to that job. The last couple months of The restaurant I was only working 25 hours a week But that’s because I wanted time or more time for my recovery and hobbies.. fortunately I had a lot of money saved up and still do. Moving forward with my life if I ever feel like I’m overwhelmed or need to for mental health reasons I will cut my hours. My mental health and recovery comes before everything. It was really cool being able to go to extra meetings, getting into new hobbies like gardening and really just living my life. Also being able to spend a lot of time with nova. I did a ridiculous amount of writing as well!! So much!!! But in all reality it’s good to be back full-time. And working 25 hours is not feasible long-term.
My 18 month mark of Probation is in one or 2 months and I’ll be going to court to try to get early termination. I’m eligible but it’s not mandatory. But I’m pretty confident I’m going to get off probation. But also I have to be ready for the possibility that I won’t be. The only reason I want to be off Probation is so that I can move in with my parents. Understandably my mom does not want me living there right now because she doesn’t want Probation officers randomly showing up to the house at all hours to check on me because it looks bad for the neighborhood. I can’t be mad at her for that Because I understand. I seriously can’t believe it’s almost been 18 months since I got out of jail. Seems like yesterday I was being released after two months with absolutely nothing to my name and nowhere to go. I had no belongings, I had no money and honestly I had no recovery. I literally remember thinking when I got out of jail that I needed to find a country with no extradition services to the United States!! I’ve been pretty honest before but when I got out of jail I wasn’t gung ho about Recovery and I honestly thought I was going to fail and screw up but Something told me to just give up on my old life and give doing the right thing a try for once. Now in retrospect breaking into that bar and stealing that liquor was one of the best decisions I made. I’m glad I didn’t cover my face. I’m glad I got caught .. Even if it took them a couple months to find me .. I’m glad they did.
This is not a joke but I truly believe if I wouldn’t of got arrested I probably would be dead. Just in a span of 90 days before I got arrested I busted my head open on the sidewalk and had stitches in my head. I had a Fentanyl overdose. I had a seizure and another time ended up in a psych place !! I kept trying to pretty much give up but I was ending up in a facility every two weeks. I literally had given up. I wasn’t even trying to find shelter or Recovery. Every single day my goal was to find opiates and a bottle of liquor. My goal was to find these things and then lay in the park and forget about everything. I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I don’t miss being homeless because I do. But I think that’s the devil trying to get me to glorify that life when in all reality it was ridiculously crazy. But maybe that’s what it is because I’m used to chaos. But I’ve been learning how to deal with normalcy.
There’s really not much else to update on except I’m just doing what I have to for my life and I’m really excited for the next day. I really don’t like going to bed because there is so much possibilities and so many things to do. It’s crazy because I used to love sleeping. I used to love sleeping because I hated my life. Now I prefer to be awake because I love my life.
The only way is forward and there’s absolutely nothing that can happen that would make me think that getting some pills or a bottle of liquor would solve any problem. Accepting that I’m an alcoholic and addict means that I can’t successfully drink or do drugs. And I’m going to stay on this path because my life depends on it.
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Always great to see you, Trevor. A beautiful sober day it has been and I’m with ya on our recovery priority!
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Thanks Smitty!! It really was a great day. Every day is great. Hope all is well with you! I can’t believe summer is coming to a end soon.. Already starting to see Halloween stuff in certain stores. I don’t know about you but I prefer 90° weather. My Pennsylvania days are long gone….I guess the only downside is hurricane season.. Knock on wood but we’ve been good so far. Last year I lost power for like four or five days. It seems like every year I’m more and more prepared for bad weather. No more blizzards or shoveling driveways But the side of my house might just fly away or the living room turns into a swimming pool lol..
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Thanks for sharing all that! Your recovery is very inspiring. Let’s keep trudging the road.
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Thank you so much. I definitely haven’t done it alone. I’ve had a lot of help. Alone we can’t but together we can
like @Mno says The opposite of addiction and the loneliness is connection
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I’m doing well here & looking forward to fall & winter! My favorite seasons. I remember a person saying who was totally done with living where it snowed a lot. “You don’t ever have to shovel rain”… well, I grew up in the NW and living on the coast for a few years got me to appreciate less rain & more dry time with snow. Coastal Washington was 35-45 degree days, pounding rain, sometimes horizontal freezing rain and 40 knot winds. That was 1/2 to 2/3 the damn winter! Shit bums a fella out. Here at least I can put the plow on the quad & clear the snow quick.
Enjoy your new/old job brother and wishing you & 
a happy, safe Labor day weekend!
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Good to see you here checking in and doing well Trevor .Congrats on the new job. Sounds like it’s a good fit for you and full-time hours Is definitely a good thing. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you on the early probation termination. I find it very inspiring to see you come so far from Where you were. It definitely shows it works if you put the work in, even if it’s hard some days.
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I so appreciate your shares and love the hope in your story. Rooting you on from midwest usa @bluekoolaid_88
I love your self reflection and willingness to grow. Its inspiring. Keep at it.
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Thank you guys for your Support and friendship. Thanks for helping me with my Recovery. Glad you guys are here and Grateful to be a part of this community! I wouldn’t be where I’m at without this community, my net work and my daily routines. I really do feel like this is just the beginning. Anything is possible..
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9/8/25
Journal entry about first times and things that need to be talked about/ 2007- 2014
TW- Suicide/ drug use / consequences/ loss of life
Sometimes when you go to speaker meetings you hear people talk about the first time they drank or Did drugs. Sometimes it was like a bright light experience or I found my thing .. I’ve arrived And sometimes you hear people say that it didn’t go like that. For myself I don’t remember the first time I drank.. I don’t remember having a holy type experience.. I really don’t remember the first time for most drugs or alcohol but it seems like somewhere in my progression I do remember certain times I switched to something specific or just certain chapters where a drink or drug was most needed to cope or at least I thought. To be honest I don’t think I drank for a couple years after my first drink which I can barely remember if that’s even the time I’m thinking of. Believe it or not I was anti-drugs and alcohol because of seeing some family members struggle and I was really into sports and music and I didn’t want anything to interfere. For the longest time my excuse was moving to Florida from Pennsylvania when I was 16 in the middle of 10th grade. I guess that did play a part because in Pennsylvania I had the same friends from when I was a child so I never learned how to really make friends ..I just had friends.. Then when I came to Florida it’s like I didn’t even know who I was at 16 years old and I had all of this crazy energy that I didn’t know what to do with. At 16 years old I only drank one time And didn’t try again for a couple years.. The first time I smoked weed nothing happened and I didn’t do that on a daily basis until a while afterwards as well. I will say I do remember the first time I did opiates and out of everything that probably was the thing that made me realize I didn’t want to be sober anymore. It’s a typical story where I broke my arm skateboarding and was prescribed hydrocodone. To be honest I sold the majority of them to get marijuana money but I remember having a few left and I took them and after that I was trying to find more and I had this balancing act between opiates, amphetamines and marijuana for 3 years. From 18 to 21 I did just about every pill or drug you can name but pretty quickly I became scared of drugs.. Mostly because of the things I had to do to get more because I was unwilling to make legitimate money or work a job. I didn’t like the people I was around and the places I was ending up at….
Then everything came to a screeching halt when my friend committed suicide at a house party and I remember I refused to believe it happened.. I had left to go to the gas station to get a blunt and I came back to find him in the bathroom and had to tell his family that were two rooms down.. Everyone at the party bailed which is unbelievable. Somehow they didn’t hear the gunshot even though I heard it before I left for the store but I thought it was a book falling off a shelf or some thing.. I literally remember hearing that bang and thought it was a book or something. Never would’ve thought he was thinking that way. It was normal for guns to be passed around and people in and out of that house all day long, a lot of dark dark behavior and multiple people addicted and lost. That night I was held in a interrogation room for 14 hours because they thought I killed my friend.. Mostly because I was the only one that stuck around. To be honest I know this is going to sound crazy but I’m very grateful I was under the influence of Multiple drugs because I can only remember bits and pieces and that experience is not something that I want to remember fully..
Long story short after that experience I became scared of drugs and I remember thinking to myself that I was just going to drink the rest of my life. When I turned 21 is when I started drinking and at first it was just beer. But pretty quickly I was drinking a 18 pack a day and nothing was happening. Like I said I don’t remember the first time for most drugs and I don’t even remember the first time I drank regular alcohol only briefly.. But I do remember the first time I discovered vodka. I remember being frustrated with beer because all I was doing was just going to the bathroom 15 times a day.. I remember I bought vodka because I didn’t have much money and I remember getting a half pint of vodka for three dollars or less and after that it was off to the races. I mean I really can picture that first day that I bought that half pint of vodka. I remember it giving me energy and helping me focus on my music production and songwriting and things like that. But that’s the thing it’s been a long time since liquor did anything or helped.
In my early 20s alcohol did not interfere with my job or jobs. It didn’t interfere with my relationships or my family. Right off the bat I was drinking a fifth a day like it was just lemonade or something. I remember the first time I had physical withdrawals from alcohol and I remember thinking that maybe I had diabetes or something lol. It’s funny but it’s not funny . I literally remember Re-searching on Google about my symptoms like shaking in my hands and even face sometimes , anxiety, sweating or waking up drenched in sweat and feeling really jumpy in the morning.. Even though I would drink some liquor and feel better I couldn’t connect the dots until I ended up in medical detox for my first time at 24. I really can Remember the last few weeks of that apartment when I was 24. For some reason I can remember listening to Radiohead a lot and literally spending my money only on vodka and pretty much living on ramen if I did eat. I sometimes wish I would’ve got the help I really needed at 24 and committed to Recovery but to be honest I was unwilling to accept the fact that drugs and alcohol do not work in my life and I needed to have some trial and error.
The last 10 years has been insane. I absolutely cannot remember how many times I’ve been to medical detox, the hospital or had life-threatening consequences. I’ve woken up with tubes down my throat only to write on a piece of paper asking where my wallet was because I knew I still had money.. Overdoses and withdrawal seizures.. I’ve probably been in the back of an ambulance more than I’ve been in an Uber. Probably been in the hospital more than a hotel or vacation. The last 10 years has been me going back-and-forth between opiates and alcohol binges trading one for another but rarely doing them together. It’s crazy to think the amount of times I literally was released from the hospital after a 14 day stay after almost dying Only to literally manipulate my mom to stop at the gas station on the way home and sneak some liquor into my bag or go around the corner and buy some pills and make some story up on why I took so long..
I might not remember the specifics on the first time I did drugs.. Well maybe the vodka but I definitely remember the first time I went to medical detox. That was 11 years ago. I might have been really hardheaded in the last 11 years and unwilling to admit that I needed to actually commit to Recovery but a seed was planted in 2014.
I’m really grateful I’m alive right now. And if I can be honest when my time comes I’m going to be OK with it because there was so many times I thought I wasn’t waking up and I feel like I’m on borrowed time. I really don’t need much from life right now but I just want to support myself financially and not be dependent on a chemical or substance to do ordinary daily things. It’s not like I was doing amazing things while I was drunk or high.. I was literally watching Netflix and buying groceries and Going for walks or riding my bike.. Maybe early on it helped with music creating but in the later years I wasn’t doing anything special.. I was just doing every day things.
Sometimes I really can’t believe I’m here right now. I’ll be having flashbacks the rest of my life.. hundreds of them. I’m definitely dealing with the negative consequences of my choices especially physically and mentally.. But I’m alive and I have a chance to actually have a good life. I 100% believe that if I relapse I’m not going to make it back. I know this is my last chance. And I refuse to be another statistic. My death is not going to be because of drugs and alcohol…
Absolutely not because of drugs and alcohol!!!
I don’t even have the words for you Ruben..
All I know is that I’m going to live my life and make something of it for you and for all of my other friends that aren’t here anymore.. And also for myself!!!
Rest In Peace.. Because I don’t know what else to say. Still coming to terms But thank God for the memories.
Ruben
James
Ed
Aaron
Holly
Ted
Olivia
Ray
Derek
Sean
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Do you speak and share at meetings? Speaking and writing seems to be a gift you have been given. You are doing so great. You have a family (Nova) and how super duper to find a job where you can thrive. I bet you are great with the customers. Fork lift driving? Be careful. What aisle has the wood screws?
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Sometimes I share but I stumble over my words and sometimes have panic attacks where I can’t talk in Public but I try every few meetings.. I have to constantly put myself in situations I’m uncomfortable with because I spent years afraid of most of life and avoiding a lot
Writing has always been easy but that’s because I’ve always been writing everything down that goes on in my life or something I’m thinking about or poetry or anything.. most of my life is on paper.. That’s why honestly a lot of the step work was easy..
I would like to think I’m decent with customers but honestly I prefer to do the jobs that nobody else wants to do and I’m extremely organized and focused so I’m good at repetitive type jobs or things were I need a system.
I’ve been able to drive a forklift for about 10 years it’s actually really easy and it’s honestly not dangerous for me it’s dangerous for other people in the way that’s why I can’t drop my guard and I always use the horn if I’m coming into an area or into a building and I have to remember this is a machine that can kill.. Most accidents on the forklift is negligence or not paying attention..
The wood screws are on the bolt isle.. We sell them individually and also in packs.. Honestly out of everything here I hate the bolt section. People will come in with some kind of random bolt or nut Or a random screw and then I have to play needle in the haystack and find it lol
I’m definitely grateful for my life right now and grateful for finding nova and giving her a home and making sure she doesn’t have to worry about food anymore or anything like that. I really feel like this is just the beginning and I have a long way to go. I’m really not scared of much anymore. I’m not going to lie those two months in jail really changed me. It was terrifying and I didn’t think I was going home. I thought I was going to prison for 3 years and I was preparing for that!! So I literally write on my head every single day ..not in jail!! I write this with a sharpie and I always see it. I’m actually planning on getting a tattoo when I get done Probation of this Banksy graffiti piece called fallen angel. Its this guy slumped over Like sitting on the ground by a building with a bottle of liquor next to him and this halo hanging over him.. I want to get that with my department of corrections number tattooed on me so I don’t forget.
Anyway thanks for reaching out and participating in this thread. We’re getting close to 600 days! Pretty awesome
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