I am 100 days AF today. I didn’t think I could make it several weeks ago. Grateful to God first and foremost but also to you fine people who encourage me and lift me up. Who reply to my posts and give thoughtful, insightful and helpful words. I could not have done it without you.
To AA, my sponsor and the people I’m meeting in there and the inspirational stories they have. To my drug and alcohol counsellor and group therapy that adds to my toolkit. To my family without whom I would still be adrift and either dead, in the hospital or in jail.
I am grateful in the utmost to be dwelling in the calm eye of the storm amidst the hurricane of life. I have hope in my heart and focus in my mind. Thank you all. I look forward to continuing on until the next milestone.
Hi All. I am checking in just shy of 5 months sober.
First of all…in the title of this thread…when the word “Hero” is used it’s not referring to me in a self celebratory way. It’s more about a generalized story of change, rebirth or redemption that is possible for any of us. But this happens to be my current story.
It’s a Friday night here in Melb. I had a meeting with my sponsor earlier. To start step 4. I then went on a date (no desire for anything serious…or even expecting sex). She had old pics on her profile and I over shared and put her off. My story has lots of warts (red flags), when combined with step 4 work makes me feel broken again. A failure. Rotten. Born bad. All the things.
A self pity party is not helpful. I know this. But to say I’m disappointed with where my life is…and how angry and upset I am with myself for being responsible for it due to my shitty/selfish/hurtful behaviours over the course of my life…would be an extreme understatement.
The relationship that ended back in May was a kick in the guts. It was redemption after my divorce. It meant I was somebody and something again. The home. The stuff. Providing rooms for my kids. The transition from worst to first. Problem was I was still drinking and more than ever. Spiritual darkness. Self centredness. Resentment. What should have made me happy…didn’t. It wasn’t all my fault, but I didn’t keep my side of the street clean. Would it have made a difference if I had? Who knows. But there is no way I can avoid my role in the catastrophic ending of it.
My situation could be a lot worse. I know that. But it should be better than it is. I’ve messed things up again for myself and others that I care about. And now I face a long, hard climb out of the hole…once again. I am sick of getting myself out of big, fat, smelly messes of my own making.
This post sounds negative, even though there are positive things happening in my life. I’m grateful to be sober, grateful to have my kids coming back into my life slowly but surely. Grateful my legal and financial shit is getting dealt with. Grateful for daily devotion with my family/kids. Grateful for my job. Grateful for my sponsor. Grateful for slowly finding my tribe over time of men in the program who have time under their belt.
I suppose there are times when the weight of my choices and the wreckage I’ve caused smacks me in the face and yucky feelings and thoughts cascade over and through me. It sucks. Trying to avoid thinking about the past or the future, but struggling to find joy or peace in the moment like I’m instructed to do. I would normally pick up a drink or a drug or a woman or all the above…but not tonight. Tonight I sit with myself. By myself. Just one of those days I guess.
What youre feeling is normal. Try not to avoid the thoughts as step 4 is about facing all these feelings, sitations, thoughts that cause you distress and shame and fuel the addiction cycle. Be curious about the process. Take breaks from processing. But dont prolong step 4 too long because moving on with the steps offers a release from all these heavy feelings. Of course im speaking of my own experience but thats the common concensus among 12 steppers.
The wreckage of our past wont be made better overnight. Its a process and your job is just to take the next right action.
Always love your shares. Self discovery is first step to change. Easy for me to say. I’ve been on step 4 for months. Sponsor making me do all with her which includes step 5. Sometimes I don’t want to remember. Alas it is a program that works. Great job on almost 5 months. I am 2 weeks away from 8