I’m sorry to hear that Jenn. Some days are heartbreakingly hard.
Don’t pick up. I know you know this; I’m saying it just to get it out there. It’s not gonna make anything better.
I have had times where I seriously started fantasizing about going to city hall and filing for divorce. I use the word “fantasizing” deliberately here: that’s exactly what it was. I felt hurt and confused and - hurt; so hurt, personally hurt. I wanted to run away.
Run away from life. That’s exactly what it is. That’s what it was for me. Not facing my life in its unexpected hurt (which is necessary and fundamental to life - the cost of being able to feel connected and loved, is that sometimes we feel deeply hurt). Run away. Whether it’s drugs, divorce, booze, or a million other ways of leaving life, it’s all running. (Obviously I’m talking about relationships where abuse isn’t happening. That’s different. In your case it’s not an abusive relationship.)
Take some time, take a walk, keep checking in here, find somewhere you can feel your hurt and get sympathy.
You feel hurt; you need sympathy. This is one of the emotional skills we learn. When we’re hurt we need sympathy. It’s that simple.
Are you ok to share some of what hurt you? If you’re comfortable doing so. No matter what though, I sympathize, and I see you. You’re a good person and you deserve acknowledgment and respect.
He has been very distant since his first doctor appointment and I’ve been asking him about it and how I can help because he was referred to a counseling center (which was expected)
Today we were talking about how he feels and I was asking why he has been so distant and he said he can’t express himself because I twist his words and take them the wrong way.
He said “ sometimes I wish I wasn’t married. Sometimes I think it would be easier to take myself down instead of taking you with me. I’m
Already doing everything on my own ” I understand thinking this because I also have though this but it’s another thing to say it in a tone that isn’t a place of love. Him talking about doing everything on his own is bullshit. When we got together, we worked at Pizza Hut. We made shit money. We even lived with my mom at one point. I became a pharmacy tech but he was still stuck at Pizza Hut. I paid all of our bills. If he didn’t have money I gave him mine. I understand what it’s like to be in this relationship but yet do it alone. Before we started this move and change in our life it was because he said he wanted to take care of me and it’s not fair for me to pay his way in life so to now throw that in my face is rude to say the least
He’s feeling pain. He feels alone. That doesn’t mean he is alone; we all know that’s not true. But he feels alone in something - probably a path he’s walking where he’s not sure what the next step is.
“Take myself down” is another ‘running from life’ signal. If you’re running, the first thing you gotta do is burn those bridges and say “fuck it”. That’s what he’s doing: he’s saying things he knows aren’t true - about being alone - because it burns bridges with you; that’s a first step to him taking himself down, ‘checking out’ into whatever life-escape plan he has.
The thing to do now is exactly the opposite of divorce. You’re not responsible for his journey yes, but you don’t run away either. No one’s gonna look you in the eye and try to burn bridges with you, saying some bullshit about being alone. You weren’t born yesterday, and you’re damn stubborn and don’t give up that easily.
Yes what he said is hurtful (and it has a fucked up reverse-psychology purpose - we’ve all been there at one point or another where we can’t see life straight). It’s also true that you are not defined by him. It will take patience and also finding your self worth in yourself, through your self respect and action for your own health.
You can be present for your husband now in a healthy, self-respecting way. It may be a declaration of “I am here for you and I’m not leaving. But I’m also not your doormat. I have done many many things for you and for our relationship, as you know [insert examples if you want]. What you are saying about being alone is not true, and in your heart you know this. So there’s gotta be another reason you’re trying to push me away. If you wanna talk about that now, I’m listening. If not, that’s ok. I’m going for a walk.”
You don’t have to let yourself be or feel walked over. But you also don’t have to give up.
Take care Jenn. You’re a good person who deserves self respect, safety, and a place to belong.
I’ve been using my paper journal more. It seems more private than airing all my life. I’m getting more comfortable with me. I’ve been trying to stay off social media and electronics in general. Been doing a lot of reading and a little stitch work (I’m not great lol) my aunt taught me cross stitch when I was 12 or so and I can do basic other embroidery. We are expecting another freeze it’s currently 18 and snowing a little.
The hubs is still in a weird place and I’m trying to give him room to figure out what’s going on but yesterday I straight up had to tell him to quit being a bully! Sometimes he just takes his crap out on me and I know some of that is just cause I’m the other person in the house but he was just being a rude butt. Anyways. Hope everyone is well
Wow! It looks so fancy in the app now. I swear it didn’t look like this yesterday hope everyone is well. Not much happening here other than pre surgery stuff and our pipes busted last night so plumber is coming today. I’m just hoping for the best case scenario but trying to mentally prepare for the worst
It’s insane. We don’t even have the worst of it. Still waiting for the plumbers but they are busy as you can imagine. Hopefully it’s just the 1 pipe. When we moved from is nuts. My friend had to walk to the store because the roads aren’t drivable and the rolling power is crazy.
Luckily the plumber wasn’t expensive and it was an easy fix. Finally had some sun so was able to get a good long run in but my hips aren’t happy about to today because of that week off for the snow. AND Got the hubs the cutest thing from amazon