Oh Jenn that is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s so hard to hear, especially when you like to run and to do fitness activities.
I’m so sorry to hear that Jenn. You have a right to feel sad here. Let the feeling flow. We’re here with you 
You can still do fitness, it’ll just be modified. I’ve had to modify a lot when I had a cancerous tumor removed. It was also worse than they thought and ended up taking my shoulder blade out. It’s definitely weaker now, but I deal with it.
I know I can still do fitness. I know eventually I’ll be able to do most things. I’m just a very all or nothing person (hence being an addict). I also know that this is a lifelong journey. Honestly I think it was just a blow I didn’t see coming and it feels like it’s forcing me to change my goals and what I enjoy to do.
I’m sorry about your tumor. I can’t even imagine how hard that battle was both physically and mentally. Can they make you an implant shoulder blade?
They thought of it but at the time I didn’t have insurance. If I was younger I’d probably do more to get it back to more mobility but it’s ok now, 
The tears are flowing. It’s not even a hard cry. They just keep coming. My heart just hurts and this is normally where I would drink but I know it won’t make me feel better. I’m just not sure how to process/accept it. Well I guess I don’t get a choice in the acceptation
You are suffering. Suffering is hard. But suffering is a normal and natural part of human life. You are not alone in this.
I use this meditation at times that are hard for me - maybe you’ll find it helpful too:
https://insighttimer.com/MelliOBrien/guided-meditations/self-compassion-meditation-2
Take care Jenn. Check in with us tomorrow.
I didn’t drink. Still in a shitty place mentally but at least it’s a sober place 
One of the trainers that I work with is helping me do a few very modified classes per week and I hope that will help on the mental side.
I know it’s hard Jenn. You’re not alone. I’m happy to hear about your trainer creating a modified program. Would love to hear about it when you get it 
Today was an unusual hard day. I’ve had a headache for 2 days, started yesterday (so cramps attitude and all that bullshit) Today first thing me and the hubs get in an argument. Am I being rude, yes. I’ll give him that. So I’m already angry and now I’m more angry and with a reason. So I start mad cleaning. I wanted to go for a run but I settled for a walk and a small meditation session at a lake I found down the road. (It’s a park but with a lake and people can go fish and the city restocks it with catfish) anyways none of this helped. I went to the store and walked the alcohol section. I only wanted a small bottle which they didn’t have so I left.
Get home and as soon as I saw him I felt so angry. Told him I was going to buy alcohol. Honestly I think he could just tell this wasn’t a battle he was going to win. I ended up in the bed, crying. He came and held me and apologized for being rude when he knew I was on an emotional roller coaster. He then made tacos with me and watched a movie. I’m about to go to bed and I’m surprised and happy to say I’m still sober. I’ve noticed my period is a huge trigger. Looking back at just my time here I can see about the same time each month I get extra crazy and just want to drink all my feelings away.
Period being a trigger is very common. I’m not a woman myself obviously but I’ve seen lots of other women here sharing about it. You’re not alone there
It’s interesting that you said “I’m going to go get alcohol” - you wanted something from him. Or maybe from yourself. You wanted it to matter, that you were at risk of sinking back into booze. I think it says something, that you’re aware enough to play that card (even if it was in anger). You know that card matters - and that means it matters to you, to keep yourself safe.
You’re a good person Jenn and you’re walking the right path for you. Keep walking and you will find what you need
I’m feeling really good today. I got a spin bike class done this morning and worked a little lower body kick boxing with my heavy bag and then got my stitches out and got to see the X-ray of my shoulder which looks so much better. I’m struggling a bit but I’m almost off the pain meds they gave me and have switched to otc ibuprofen unless I just can’t deal. We are redoing the plumbing in the house (not sure if I’ve mentioned it) they are on day 2 and moving right along. I’m staying in my office while they work because my anxiety is having an issue with all the holes in the walls. They already have someone set up to cover the walls and I just keep telling myself that. Feeling my normal amount of crazy today 
I’ve been thinking of what you said @Matt and I think I played the card knowing I wasn’t going to follow through but I’m still trying to figure out why. If I was going to drink I would have pick it up before I ever came home. Hell I was staring at the whiskey. Because I made it through that hump I’m rounding out day 88 of no alcohol
It’s a safe bet that you wanted something. And since - as you said - you didn’t buy the drink, it’s a safe bet what you really wanted was something else.
Our addictions have been substitutes for our needs for so long we don’t recognize the needs for what they are, when they come up. I was talking about this with my therapist just yesterday. For me, my addiction was a place I felt totally familiar and at home - though I knew it wasn’t healthy or sustainable. But it was a place that I went to by default because I could always count on it.
There’s something you need but you don’t know how to ask for it, or maybe you’re not sure exactly what you need - and by default you’re looking at the one thing that’s always “met” your needs before.
It’s worth reflecting about what your needs may be. Maybe do some journaling? A little meditation? I find this meditation (and similar ones) to be helpful for reflecting on my messy thoughts:
https://insighttimer.com/MelliOBrien/guided-meditations/untangle-from-charged-thoughts
Take care Jenn & have faith in yourself. You’ll find it.
Today has been a good day. The doctor cleared me to walk/jog the other day and so I went on my first more than a walk but less than run today and man it felt good. I wore my sling to make sure I wasn’t swinging my arm like crazy because she was very adamant that I don’t sprint or fall. It’s funny that when I first started with cardio I hated running and now it’s almost like a release. I walked the first bit but then went into a light jog for the majority of the rest of the time.
Awesome! Happy for you Jenn
Me and the hubs went at it today, like bad. He did a thing I didn’t appreciate he got very defensive and basically told me to leave if I’m so unhappy.
Regroup: we TALK and this time I get my point across I’m not nagging I’m asking for respect and the same thing I give to him, honesty. Then it happens. I get the real reason why he is so defensive because he is so used to fighting with a drunk who won’t remember the issue has been resolved in the morning. He actually said he has resentment and always feels like he has to be ready for “battle”. I explained that I know why he would have resentment about my drinking and I can’t imagine how hard it was for him. I can’t change the past but he has to learn and accept the new sober me. The person who isn’t charging into battle but a person who has reflected on feelings and is just trying to express them. Honestly, today was emotionally rough. I feel good that I was able to explain and get the point across about we have to learn our new selfs and especially because he is working on his mental health so they are trying different meds and I’m sure that has to be rough on him. Untimely what started out as I just want to drink because I can’t deal with your action turned into a helpful and enlightening conversation
Also went on a steady jog and it was such a release. Like I cried. I miss my full on fitness and endorphins. I’m grateful to be allowed to jog
Oh Jenn what a beautiful day. Beautiful like in the sense of, the full mountain and valley and majestic and intimidating scene of life. Full on.
I’m proud of you. You are exploring your full sober self, and your full sober life with the man who you share that life with. He’s very lucky to have you, and it sounds from your share here that you feel grateful to have him (in his full, human complexity).
I’m happy for you Jenn. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so lovely to see
I really like the way you explain things. Sometimes thing you have said to other help me also. Your a wise person and this app is lucky to have you. You have helped me change my way of thinking a bit (work in progress lol)
I’m very grateful for him, even when he is a butt. I’m happy I chose him to do life with.
I feel the same way about my wife! She can be a butt too. She’s damn stubborn. But so am I. We’re perfect for each other.
Marriage isn’t ultimately about being perfect together. It’s about being imperfect-but-constructively-working-on-it together. Just like life. We take it one day at a time and stay grateful, and move forward together. And it’s an interesting, educating journey. And then when we’re old farts we can say we had a good run. It sounds like you feel that way about him - and that’s something to be grateful for
I have not been feeling well the past few days. Starting throwing up and just feel in general run down. Lucky I was off today so I’ve slept most of it. Feeling better, just so sluggish. I hate having to waste a day off on being sick. 
Positive note: since me and the hubs had our conversation things have been really good. It’s almost like he needed to clear the air with his feelings. He is being open in a way he hasn’t been in so long. It’s good and I’m grateful for this chance to grow in our life.
