I encourage you to try again, with him, and with yourself: exercise your patience.
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Patience is not a strong area for me. He has already started. In his words he doesn’t do it that often so it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s just frustrating to know this will continue to be a circle. I fight to stay sober and he does to an extent. Honestly it makes me want to give up sometimes and just drink. Why try to work on myself and stay sober when my partner won’t. (You don’t have to say it won’t help, I know.)
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Deal: I won’t say what you already know. 
It’s frustrating. And also - it feels kinda lonely. Like, hey, I’m working on something here. Are we together in this? Hey? Hey? Hmmm.
Feeling for you Jenn. Take care.
You know - have you explored some new routines and interests, for yourself? Maybe you already have; it helps to cultivate some interests of your own; join clubs (if possible), do things with the new sober energy (and time) you have. Keeps the lonely demon at bay & trims the resentment a bit; you come home feeling like you’ve achieved something.
Would that be useful do you think? You’ve got a little more freedom in your home now than you used to have; you’re working with more sober emotional space than you had before. You need to fill that house with new furniture
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I’m actually signing up for an art class but it doesn’t start till June. It should be interesting since I’m not an artist. I’m so bad I took band through all of school because where I went art and band were the only choices. I learned to play the flute, oboe, and piccolo and a little clarinet. I still have my flute and play it on occasion. The art class is 3 hrs long on mondays for 8 weeks so it will be a welcome change. I’m also doing a 6 week challenge that starts next month but it’s a running one so not much added there. I am hopeful to maybe make a friend in the art class but I also don’t want to get my hopes up because my social anxiety goes through the roof and then I’m weird 
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I’m so angry today. It’s like I’m just suppose to forgive, forget and wait for the next merry go round. Frustrated and angry is the theme of today and I’m stuck at work so I’m just stewing
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But I suppose that’s all I can do. Sigh
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Argh 
Sounds like it was one of those days. I’m sorry about that. Hopefully today is better.
I was thrilled to see your roses on the gardening thread. They’re beautiful! I have roses too, though where we are they haven’t bloomed yet:
(The roses are climbing, and also the short bush with the thick crop of green leaves.)
Something about roses. They love heat, full sun and if they have it they seem to be able to take just about anything. Then the universe is like “There’s just one more thing to mane it perfect: thorns!”
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I look forward to yours blooming. The ones I put in a glass on the table have started blooming but now the bush outside is bare. Will they grow again this year or that’s it?
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I don’t know. I just put things in the soil, water them, and cross my fingers. 
I add some bone meal fertilizer when I’m putting in something new - my mom said it helps roots to form. Other than that I have no “tricks”. From your picture though it looks like it’s in good health - so give it time
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I guess I am over thinking it. I was talking to one of my friends and she was talking about when to plant and what zone I’m in and she really confused me. I’m going to Texas in some days to visit my family and maybe I’ll just take the plunge and buy a plant when I get back
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Sounds like a plan! Keep us posted
I have a full schedule of stuff to try and keep busy today. 8 years ago today my mom passed. I was working in a different pharmacy at the time and we weren’t allowed to keep our phone on us. I received a phone call on the work phone and it was a police officer asking me to go to a place by myself and call them on my cell. I was thinking what has Scott done now?! I was in panic thinking my bf (we weren’t married yet) did something terrible. He was already scheduled to go to what is called safe p here for 6 months on June 3rd for breaking his probation. I called the police back and they told me my mom passed. I remember my heart felt like it shattered and I just screamed or maybe howled. I’m not real sure. One of my coworkers drove me to my moms assisted living apartment and I demanded to see her. I wanted to see my mom. Of course they wouldn’t let me and I just fell on the floor crying. My dad and Scott came to get me and I just remembered feeling so hollow and lost and so many tears. I couldn’t stop the tears. My aunt came and took care of everything for me and my sister. We had a memorial on June 8th. I then spent the next 6 months drunk or high on K2. I honestly don’t remember much from that time. I lost my job in December that year because of the K2 usage. And then I spent another 5 months not working and living on my insurance money. What a shitty thing for me to do by the way. I’m still so mad at myself for that. My mom was and is the only really close person I’ve lost and I didn’t know how to deal. While I feel less pain most days, some days like today suck because I feel my heart hurt and ache for my mommy.
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Oh Jenn - that is a heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry you went through that. I know how important your mom is to you.
She would be proud of where you are now & what you’ve done. You have been learning to have a healthy balance for yourself and the people and animals and plants in your home; you’ve been loving and attentive to the big picture and you’ve made decisions that take courage and commitment. I believe she is proud of you.
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Thank you for the kind words
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When I was out and about today I saw a banner for an in person celebrate recovery meeting. It’s on fridays and I can’t go this week cause my Texas visit but I plan on checking it out once I get back. It wasn’t a great day because the hubs is in a down spiral with his depression so I had to be there for him and don’t get me wrong I don’t mind being there but today wasn’t the best day to spend with a depressed and angry person.
Also, what I wrote earlier was the first time I put it out there in full details and was completely honest. Everyone has always know about my drinking but very few know about my past drug usage and I’ve never really had a place to really let it out. Even in my grief counselor sessions I never admitted most of that story.
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How do you feel now?
This is a very brave thing to do. I told my family and friends. Very helpful to my recovery.
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Like In general or the fact that I put an “secret” out there? In general just kinda blah. It’s very difficult to handle the up and down emotions with the hubs when all I was trying to do was have a in memory day. I just normally do things that make me happy because I feel like that’s what she would want. Honestly I wish I could think like that all the time. I feel like this is a safe place for my secrets. I just get embarrassed. I know people have done worse or been down longer roads to get to sobriety but I still feel embarrassed about things I’ve done in my past
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A few of my very close friends and my husband know pretty much everything about my past. As far as family it’s just my dad and sister really and they know of the struggles with alcohol. I don’t think I would ever feel comfortable telling what dad about all the drugs I have done. And for sure not the story I put on here.