Of course. I think it’s normal to feel this way, for all of us. At some point we just spiralled into our addictions, and whether it’s one that gets lots of media time (and is therefore kind of normalized and legitimized) (like alcohol) or it’s one that is highly stigmatized (like so many others are), the addictive brain and the addictive life is the same:
We lost ourselves in our addiction. We lost ourselves running away from life.
In a way that’s the most embarrassing, shameful thing of all. How could the core of our lives - our own mind and body (our self; our life) - be something we just throw away?
We’ve all had to face that question at one time or another (and it’s a complex, lifelong question that we only ever answer gradually, in little pieces, as we work on living present, sober, fully caring for life and self). And the tricky thing is something feels like we should be able to give some kind of sound-bite, “Hallmark” answer to it; like if only we had a history that made it make sense, then it might not be so embarrassing. It would be justified; earned. Not healthy, for sure, but it would make sense, right?
But there it is, again: we’re embarrassed, because we aren’t what we think we should be, for life to be “right”. If only it was ____, this whole thing would be understandable.
Maybe I’m rambling. In any case I think shame (the parent of embarrassment) has a role here. Certainly it does for me. I have a perfect middle class upbringing. What the hell makes me a candidate for addiction? And couldn’t I have chosen a more respectable addiction, like alcohol, over something like sex/porn addiction? People make movies about alcoholics. In many of them, alcoholics are heroes. Show me the movie where the sex/porn addict is a hero.
How could our life, our sense of self, our effort to be here in life, be something we just throw away?
I don’t know. I truly don’t know. But I do know a few things:
- It’s not a choice we made in a vacuum. There is a bigger picture and bigger players in our world today that sanitize and enable addictions of many types. There is also a materialist and individualist culture for many of us, that stunts our emotional support networks, leaving them limp and often unresponsive. That doesn’t mean I am not responsible for my choices, and it doesn’t mean I’m not responsible for recovering. But it does mean that there’s a bigger picture to the problem of addiction in the world today.
- There is a process to disclosure. You do not have to disclose everything to everyone. You do have to disclose to people who need to know the full story, to be able to have a necessary, meaningful relationship with you. My wife knows the broad strokes of my addiction but she does not know some of the specifics. I doubt I will ever get into them because it isn’t necessary for the health of our relationship, or for our physical and mental health. (It’s also true that a total disclosure would introduce hurt that would do nothing to advance healing. I’m not hiding things from her - my addiction is in my past; my sobriety is my present - what I’m doing is not discussing things that do not relate to our relationship as it is now, and where it’s going.) My group members from my recovery group, however, know everything. Every, single, detail. Because we, together, are the fabric that keeps us sober. I have to be able to talk with them about everything, any time, and they have to be able to do the same with me. It’s the only way it works. The purpose of my relationship with them is to strengthen and advance sobriety. It’s to be my full, sober self; it’s fighting the battle of sober living. My relationship with them is nothing like a marriage. In my marriage, I build a home with a person. My relationship with the men in my sobriety group is that of my truest friends, who ride beside me into battle. I trust them completely and we’ve faced the same enemy.
I think I’ve rambled a bit here and I’ve gotten colourful with my metaphors. I hope that doesn’t distract too much from my main point: feeling embarrassed is totally understandable. It’s your choice what you want to do now and whatever you choose, will be right for you. I think going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting is a good idea. Let us know how it goes!
Above posts landed here by accident from another thread. Checking if they can be moved 