I have been thinking about this particular part and I’m stuck. I’m beginning to feel like our relationship is more of a burden. At first my answer was not being alone but honestly I feel more alone when he is here. I’m valuing my alone time more and more.
I’ve also been thinking of how you like to say when you marry someone you marry them for their whole self. I’m really starting to see parts of him I just don’t like. Not that I don’t love him because I do but there are aspects of him that are inconsiderate, selfish, and seemly narcissistic.
He is currently working on switching his sleep schedule because he goes back on night shift. I woke this morning because his video game was so loud. I don’t like to wake with lights and noises already on. It’s make me feel like I’m being accosted with the world before I can get my bearings. He asked what was wrong and I told him which he already knows this anyways. Apparently my tone was rude so he shut down. I’ve asked him to use headphones (he has 2 pair) which we have discussed before or just turn down the damn tv. I’m over it now but it’s just an example of how I feel he is inconsiderate. (His side if you want- I wake that earlier anyways so what’s the big deal )
Feelings of hesitation are huge for all the reasons you listed in addition to I don’t feel ready for the confrontation and I don’t know that this will be amicable. I know that’s an assumption and maybe it will be but given our recent attempts at communication I just don’t think it will be. I don’t feel at all ready to take this to him so I feel like a pot with my feelings simmering.
Doing my checkin. It wasn’t a terrible day in retrospect. It went by quick with work and then going to the rec center. I did a lot better this time around than the first. It helped that I at least knew where some things were. I found an area that is out of the major lifting area that I can be so that was helpful. If I can be in the area again next time it might be a nice like comfort zone. Getting out of the house today was probably the best decision I could have made. It helped my mood so much!
I subscribe to DailyOM and this is, in part, the message from today. It made me think of you:
When we are in a relationship where we feel listened to and understood, we count ourselves lucky because we know how rare that experience is. We reserve our most intimate selves for the people who, along with us, cocreate an open space where we feel free to express ourselves and listen without judgment. These relationships, which thrive on open communication, can mean the difference between existential loneliness and a deep sense of belonging. We all long to feel heard, understood, and loved, and clear communication makes this possible.
The above is something that needs to be worked on in a relationship, I would think. I have never been a participant in that level of communication with any significant others in my WHOLE life. I am responsible for that, of course, in my choice of companions and lack of ability to ask for what I need.
It sounds like your husband isn’t really up for that level of communication. What you describe sounds pretty inconsiderate. And you take responsibility for sounding kind of rude. Again . . . communication issues. Truly sounds like some couples counseling sessions might help. Do you think if he knew you were REALLY unhappy and considering a separation it would spur him into taking action?
I wish things were different for you. I’m glad you are valuing your along time, though. That’s a positive.
Back when I went hiking in august I thought about what I wanted and how I thought things could change. I went as far as making a list of things that would help me feel loved and appreciated. I asked him to do the same. He hasn’t and he hasn’t done the things I put down IE- hug me, say something if you notice I look nice, or the house looks nice.
I feel like since he won’t get help for himself I doubt couples therapy is an option. The last time I tried to talk about my unhappiness he said he doesn’t think he can make me happy and I deserve better and a lot of other self negative things. I left out of the conversation with the thought that he basically said if I’m not happy, leave because he isn’t changing.
Thank you for thinking of me! I appreciate the paragraph.
One technique which has helped my wife and I - and there have been times I started the divorce process, and this helped me pause it - is a 15-minute listening session each day.
Set a timer so everyone knows that it won’t drag on. Don’t choose the heaviest topics to discuss - those always take more than 15 minutes to unpack - but instead choose smaller concerns.
Each person gets 7.5 minutes and has to stop when the alarm goes.
They speak their feelings using “I-statements”: “when I see / hear _____, I feel _____”. The listener then listens with simple echoing & confirmation: “it sounds like when you see / hear ____, you feel ____; is that right?” They then should also ask a general question, time permitting, to allow expansion: “is there anything more you wanted to say?”
Keep it to one, maximum two points at a time; anything more than that is hard for the listener to keep track of (for echoing). Keep tone neutral, and refrain from judgment or disdainful / scornful / critical tone.
The exercise is about the simple act of listening, and being heard. Yes it feels a little strange, but it is effective, and it becomes more familiar with practice.
You can make your I-statements about things you’ve seen or heard the other person do, or you can make it about other items in your life.
There have been days when these 15 minutes are the only constructive thing I have in my day (some days at work and at home are really emotionally challenging). But we have worked steadily for the last three weeks on this and have done it almost every day. It has made me feel heard in a way I’ve never felt heard before.
If it helps - I offer you the idea.
You matter Jenn and your journey matters. Your story matters and it deserves to be told by you.
Doing my checkin. Busy day at work, then a workout and ended up back at work for a hour to help them close. I brought up the therapist to the hubs as an observation that he hasn’t looked like he said he would. He said he has looked but hasn’t made any calls. I’m glad he is looking. I’m trying to be patient
Overall I can’t complain about today.
I also just wanna say I’m really grateful for you guys and the insight y’all are able to provide.
Random: I realized as I came to do this checkin- it’s been a year since I started this thread
Today was a really great day. I feel so happy. Good day at work, which is always nice and a decent afternoon after.
Had a call from my friend from school. The cousin of my ex that passed in sept. Apparently, I’m still on the title to his motorcycle so I have to sign off on it. They had to ask if I wanted it! It’s been over 10 years and I don’t feel entitled to it at all. Plus not like I was ever the driver.
@Matt I don’t know where the time has gone but thanks for being here through the whole journey. You have been so helpful, probably more than you know. I appreciate you.
They are compression so expect them to fit tight. I’m 5’3 and bounce around 125. I wear a small but am thinking of sizing down to an ex small. When I started wearing them I was 140 and wore the mediums. The sizing bot is normally pretty right now but they have a great exchange policy
Checking in. It was a really long day at work. Logged in at 3:30 my time and got an hr break (thankfully) and then logged out for the day at 3. I’m pretty dang tired. The hubs has been opening up a bit the past 2 days. He even asked for help making a budget to help him bounce back from his not great financial decisions. About to put some white noise on and pass out
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