Definitely. I’ve been lucky enough to have peppers prepared like that too - there’s something delicious about that combo of pepper, meat, and cheese that’s just so delish 
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Had to take my jeep back to the shop today but luckily it was a simple fix and the garage isn’t charging us since we just had it there a few weeks ago. I’m suppose to be off today but I have nothing to do so I’m thinking about working anyways cause I’m bored. I’m having some mixed feelings today but overall a positive mindset. The hubs had a small slip and while I’m disappointed I also want to be supportive because he is beating himself up enough for both of us. I remember how mad I was at myself 3 weeks ago. I know it can’t effect my sobriety but my brain also wants to use this as an excuse, like a pass. I think I’m mostly just having issues with processing why he even did it. But then also is it even my place to need to process his mistake? I don’t know my brain is all over the place
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That’s a hard space to be in - when someone so close trips up, and then the web of emotions for him and for you that come with that. It’s hard.
One of the things is learning to ride out that wave and reach out when it happens. I learned to reach out and just share what happened and how I feel, with someone I trust. I have a couple contacts from my recovery group; I have a couple friends I trust; I have my wife. Each of them has a moment when they’re the one I feel I can turn to. The recovery group folks are near the top of my list because they know everything about me (as a result of Step 5 work).
Keep reaching out, keep sharing. What happened w the hubs? How did you feel? What do you feel now? Sharing will get the weight off.
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Not much happened with the hubs. We had a whole day planned on Sunday. Saturday I notice his body behavior and that’s always sign 1. Then he stayed up and we did not get to spend the day together on Sunday. I feel disappointed that he broke our “pact” to do this together. I’m sad and frustrated that he ruined our day. I did what I had planned but we had planned to watch a movie and just spend quality time together and that didn’t happen. I got the same thing I always hear “ I’ll make it up to you babe” it’s frustrating because I’m mad at myself too. I shouldn’t be upset that he stumbled because we all do. Like I said I don’t really know how I feel
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And as far as reaching out, you are the only person who takes the time to offer thoughts so I don’t really have many people to talk to about this
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Yes, actually you should be upset. Anyone would be upset who went through what you went through, with their spouse. It’s disappointing and it hurts: he chose booze (I assume it was alcohol) over you.
The fact that this type of thoughtless behaviour is relatively common doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to feel upset and hurt here. In fact, it would be unhealthy for you not to feel those things; those feelings are part of you “owning your space” in your life and your relationship. Emotions give us cues about what we need. If we feel sad, we need sympathy and reassurance. If we are angry, we need to be heard, and we need to ask for (and sometimes insist on) what we need. (With anger it is important that we take time to reflect carefully on what we need, and be really clear about exactly what it is, so we can be sure it is achievable and we can make sure it happens.)
Your feelings are not a threat to your marriage. What happened, happened, and you are angry because it was thoughtless and inconsiderate to you and to your marriage. Your feelings are in fact essential to you understanding yourself and what you need. So: what do you need? What do you need, from him and from yourself, for things to be right here?
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Hi again Jenn, I was looking over one of your earlier threads - looking for better understanding, a better sense of your search, what you want in your heart - and came across this one. There’s so much caring here:
There’s a deep sense of being unseen, in you. The sense that no one notices you is a recurring theme in how you feel when you are going through hard emotional times (like you are today). Do you remember when you first started feeling that way?
Yes it is a theme on here because honestly I feel very unheard here. I feel like that is a bigger issue. We use a message System at work and people don’t respond in a time manner and it is very frustrating. We are constantly getting orders and we have to communicate with each other to find the best way to work together. And most of my coworkers are terrible at using it. Then I come here to vent and I feel like no one sees me or I’m not worth a response. Which that ties into social media which I’m in the process of leaving. And I’m not really sure what I need to make what happened right. But I have to log into work. I’m going to think on this because it feels like there is a bigger issue.
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On lunch break and this is where I’ve made it. There isn’t anything to make it right. He apologized and said he would try harder. Maybe this was the push he needed to know that isn’t the path. Mostly I think I just need to move on. He knows I wasn’t happy. I don’t want to stew in something I can’t change.
Feeling lonely and unseen has been going on since we moved in May possiblely before that but before I had people around me and I drank. My friends don’t call or text anymore. I try and call them and they are busy. I get it, people have a life. I’ve tried making friends here but the state keeps getting shut down so I stay home work, work out virtually, clean and cook. Then I get on here on or FB (I’ve had to quit Instagram) and post thoughts, feelings, photos and get no response. And maybe people just read and don’t feel the need to put a thought or like out there. But my brain has me so fucked that in my mind this means no one gives a shit about me. That I’m not worth a spilt second heart or reply. Edit to add that I’ve been told this makes me seem entitled but I don’t feel that way. I feel like no one cares
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Today is my 2 yr anniversary from cigarettes. It’s exciting and probably one of the most important life events so far. 
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My husband has disappointed me a few times since I quit drinking. It’s definitely hard to be excited for something and then not have it happen.
I had to learn from very early in my sobriety that my alcoholism, and recovery from it, is mine and mine alone. I can not let his drinking or choices to affect my sobriety. I have control over me, and only me and as long as I stay my course I’m good.
He actually ended up slowing down a lot over the years and now only has a few drinks on Friday nights.
I hope your husband can find his way.
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I am sorry I have not been super present. I put timers on all my apps, so I only make it to a few threads a day.
The weird thing about when we quit drinking is that many people quit calling because our sobriety makes them uncomfortable, and a lot of them then end up reflecting on their own drinking. Then after awhile you start to realize that drinking buddies and friends are actually different. When people with long term sobriety say ‘change everything’ its because if you do it right, everything will change, and you will have people around who support the shit out of you and want you to succeed. They will go out and do fun sober activities with you. This year sucked, but it gives you a little time to get your sober legs under you for when those social situations come up finally.
I didn’t leave my house for anything other than work for the first 8 months I was sober. I didn’t want to put myself in positions that would tempt me. Like 3 people talked to me other than my family. I ended up being ok with it because the rest of them are drunks who would peer pressure me into drinking and I didn’t need that in my life.
I also moved. A 32hr drive, or flights with layovers and driving that takes all day to get home.
I ended up meeting most of the people I know here from my job. I got rid of Facebook so I don’t see a lot of local events going on, BUT I subscribed to the local newspaper and can see the activities page in that. And then 2020 happened, and I lost my entire 3rd year of living here and meeting people.
I met a pretty good friend through an AA meeting I went to, and I joined a yoga studio. I also installed the rover app and have met some people through doing pet sitting gigs and walking dogs.
There are options, and even with a pandemic you can connect via zoom to AA groups, even local ones.
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Thank you for this. I do need to try harder to get out and meet people. The hubs and I were talking just last night we have been boozing and drugging (years ago) for so long that we don’t know what activities to even try. I have no idea what I enjoy doing. I think most of my problems with outside validation is because I don’t know me and honestly I’m pretty mean to myself. I want other people to like me because I don’t know that I like myself. I want to meet people and make friends in our new town but I feel like I’m getting in my own way. I just woke up so I don’t have super in depth insight but I appreciate you sharing so much 
edit: I’m gonna look into that rover app
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Good for you Jenn! It’s a learning experience.
I identify with that feeling of not knowing myself or my likes or dislikes. I feel the same way and am working through it as well.
If it’s ok with you I’m going to share some things I notice about you, which are valuable attributes and which make you a good friend:
- You say hi. You have that courage to see an opportunity to say hi, even to people you don’t know, and that brings connection and joy to other people’s hearts. (Meaningful connection is a basic human need.) Not everybody has that openness & social courage that you do. (I promise you saying hi doesn’t always result in a skinned knee
) - Being seen matters to you, which likely means seeing others matters to you. This is a valuable emotional and empathetic quality. This contributes a lot to a friendship. Your friends will value that greatly. (And it is also apparent in your marriage, where you see what your husband brings to the family. I know you wish he would specifically see more things you want to have seen - one step at a time.)
- Health matters to you.
- You believe in your commitments and relationships and communication, and you take the time to talk through challenges and work through them, with the people who matter. You talk it over, reach out for connection, take the time to think about it. That capacity for reflection and insight is not something everybody has. It is one of your strengths.
You channel constructive energy & direction into the world. We’re lucky to have you here. You matter and your creative, generative involvement in the world - creating your world and relationships, taking initiative, growing the life you want - makes a difference.
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I spent age 14 to 32 drinking (lots of drugs in the late teens through my 20s) almost nightly, so I understand what you mean when you say you don’t know who you are. My drinking was basically me. My whole person revolved around being drunk. I didn’t go out to do anything. No museums, or baseball games, or whatever else people did. ‘Ive got to work, but I’ll catch up with you at the bar later.’
The thing I’ve come to find out about myself over the last few years is that I can be anyone, and can be the absolute best version of it. So I’m Ashley and I hike, and kayak, and am teaching myself to sew, and am trying new arts and crafts all the time, and I do yoga and meditate for my mental health.
Especially since I moved. None of these people know the old me. There’s no preconceived notions or expectations. And when I say ‘i don’t drink’, and I hold up my trusty water bottle and no one blinks an eye, they just say "ok’ and move on. I was a year and a half sober when we moved and those people back in Iowa would still offer me drinks, and ask me ‘how long are you really going to do this for?’
It is scary and uncertain right now, and feels a bit overwhelming, but I promise it gets better and you will be amazing at being sober.
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Thank you guys for the kind words. We have some good weather so I’m gonna head out for a run after work and do a little thinking. Matt as always you have such positive things to say and I appreciate it so much. Ashley, it’s nice to meet you. I know I’m not alone in my feelings or even situation but it’s nice to hear from someone who has been through something very similar. Maybe I’ll be back this evening with some ground breaking thoughts
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I didn’t have any ground breaking thoughts other than I need to set some boundaries with a coworker/friend. She fuels my frustration about communication and even starts the conversation sometimes. I know we are both frustrated but I just feel like it would be best to try and move on so to speak. I do my job and answer and phone and emails. I do almost double the work (they do a production report for each day) of other Techs I work with. In the end I know my hard work will speak for itself and I can’t use the brain space worrying about someone else not doing their job because in the end the reports will tell all.
I had a good run. This is actually one of my better paces. I’m coughing up a lung right now because of the cold and because it’s only been 2 years since I was a heavy chain smoker. I’m gonna ride these endorphins also made some chicken with some chili powder and lime juice in the slow cooker. Added some salsa and corn. I made a quesadilla and the hubs made tacos and leftovers tomorrow can be nachos. I think total cook time was 3 hours even though the recipe said to leave the chicken in for 5 hours!
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Congrats on 2 years from cigarettes. I’m trying to quit. Used to be an avid runner. Can’t believe I’ve let me do this to myself.
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For me it’s the other way around. I started walking/ jogging and trying to run 4 years ago. My pace was 17 a mile! I was a smoker for 21 years 
I have FB memories pop up from 5+ years ago where I was trying to quit. It took a long time to stick. I did 2 rounds of Chantix before I was finally about to put them down. You can do it and it’s hard but so worth it.
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