The night before I quit drinking


#1

Sometimes it helps me to stay sober if I hear other people’s horror stories. It’s my favorite part of AA. I can almost feel what they went through, and the fear alone of experiencing it keeps me sober.
Warning: there are cuss words involved.

So here’s the story of the night before I quit drinking:
I woke up around 4am dying of thirst, covered in drywall dust and there was a blowtorch and crowbar in the bed with me. My bedroom door was locked, I had no idea what had happened, how I got there, or where my husband was.
This wasn’t the first time I woke up this way. It was at least the 40th in the past few years, and not even the worst of it. The blowtorch and crowbar were new, and I remember thinking holy fuck I wish I could just die right now, I don’t even want to know this story.
Piece by piece it came back to me- it started with drinking while at work. I’ll just sneak one. One turned into 4-5. I invited company over and handed them a glass of wine immediately and drank one myself so it wouldn’t be unusual that my breath smelled like booze.
1 glass turned into a bottle, our guest left, I vaguely remember stumbling and saying stupid things at this point and then poof, lights out.
But there was evidence. The drunken monster my husband had come to fear reared its head- he threatened to leave and I threatened to call the cops on HIM for driving drunk (he’d had 2 glasses of wine)…I started using my phone to videotape our conversation (blacked out and too wobbly to even hold it upright)…I followed him around the house badgering him, trying to pick a fight with words I was barely forming. He locked himself in another room.
Then the phone is on the ground, I can hear myself walking away, then I’m back with a blowtorch and crowbar in hand.
I proceed to attempt breaking into the room. I try burning the wall (WTF!!)…I smash a hole the size of my head into the drywall with the crowbar while he’s pleading with me from the other side to please just stop. He’s crying.
This goes on for about 15 minutes. The wall is ruined, smashed and burned.
Something in my blackout shifts- I stop and just walk off to bed with tools in hand.
The next morning I find the video. I’m so utterly ashamed, disgusted, I feel a new level of reality about myself that I can barely stomach. I puke on the floor, I didn’t even feel it coming. I’ve become sloppy, destructive, I’m the worst person I’ve ever known.
I am an alcoholic. I need help. I’m going to die. I tried to burn our house down.

I wasn’t always crazy like this. I’m very together when I’m sober. I run 2 successful businesses, people admire me and want to be my friend. On the outside my life looked amazing, but inside I was trying to die, I wanted to die. I wanted everything to burn and alcohol was the fuel. It was the reason. I gave alcohol full control of my life, I put it first above anything else and it turned my life into a dumpster fire.

It’s been over a month sober now, which isn’t much, but I know I’m done. I kept that video to remind me why.
I’m happy to be alive. Life is actually really beautiful when alcohol isn’t whispering in your ear all of it’s sinister lies. Just have one, just one more, finish the bottle, be an asshole, ruin it, destroy that relationship, say those terrible things, ruin it, you hate everything, burn it down, kill yourself.

But I somehow made it out alive, I’m a survivor. Alcohol will not decide my fate any longer. That is MY choice. I’ve taken my power back and I’m going to hold onto it like my life depends on it- because it does.

Thanks for listening.
:yellow_heart:


#2

ThNks for sharing… Made me have flasbacks of some of my drunk nightmares… I need to keep incheck with stories and memories such as these to remind myself that i need to stay sober.


#3

Thank you for sharing i am proud you have come so far and are able to tell that story as a why to remind yourself why you won’t go back! I hope everything is good for you and your husband:)


#4

Things are definitely much better. I think he understands that this time I’m serious. I made so many empty promises, but I guess I just had to be ready. And boy am I ready to say goodbye to booze!


#5

Thanks for sharing. That’s a very powerful reminder of how alcohol just changes us into crazy freaks. And is another motivator to stay sober :yellow_heart:


#6

Damn girl, this story gave me the feels.I know exactly how it feels to wake up after binge drinking remembering how I drank starting at work, made sure to keep it going by inviting people over or out to drink and then had to cover my drinking breath by drinking something in front of people immediately… Embarassed myself by slurring after one or two glasses in front of people where it was obvious I had been drinking before and then harrassed my husband by aruing with him over stupid shit, probbly scared him a few times.He always told me Im a completely different person when i drink and he wishes I could just have 1 or 2 drinks but that was never going to happen, Im just not wired that way.
We have alot in common.
I hid alot of drinking from my husband who already thought I drank too much.If only he really saw what I drank. I was too ashamed but couldnt control my urges so I just drank before I drank and hid the evidence and then would forget where I put the bottles.
When I started my journey Ill sum it up for you.I started the day drinking at the beach bought 2 tall ciders and drank them both and then drove down the beach and argued with my husband on the phone while crying.I also bought about two 6 packs I think and 2 other beers.I remember sneaking downstairs to grab beers and hiding them while I stayed up late to watch tv.My husband went to sleep and I woke up and it smelled like beer…I spilled beer on the floor and ran downstairs to hid that extra 6 pack and it was gone, panicked I found all the bottles hidden around our room …in the dogs bed, couch…different places I didnt remember drinking all of that…this isnt the worst of course its just extremely embarassing and just sad…I suddenly made the decision to quit.

Sorry for the long post lol


#7

Thank you for sharing that ‘horror story’. It must have been difficult to think about again. Most of us have terrible stories and memories, and many of them don’t end with deciding to become sober - that’s the best part of your story!


#8

Weirdly, what made me get clean wasn’t a negative experience but a positive one.

After a year where drink landed me in hospital and caused a number of problems with people important to me, I got to a stage one night where I’d been drinking twelve hours straight and the cocaine had ran out so I felt like trash. I saw a girl I liked, apologised for my mood but was honest about what I felt and things took off from there.

That night, I realised not only is it okay to feel bad sometimes but it’s okay and actually beneficial to be honest about it. I didn’t have to load up on stimulants to be some slick dude. I could be low. I didn’t need to do any of this just so long as I was honest.

Then, I had a three daycomedown which reinforced how truly not worth it the artificial happiness was. Now I’m approaching six months clean and sober. I’ve also not had a cigarette in three weeks and I’m thirty pounds down since Christmas.


#9

Thank you for sharing @Dogboi! So many things I can definitely relate to! Great job deciding you want better for YOU and doing what it takes to get to where you are now! :blush:


#10

Everyone who has shared their story is such an I inspiration. I had some pretty bad nights. My partner has told me numerous times that he feels like I am not myself when I drink. I’m not. I get lonely and depressed and angry. There’s nothing fun about it. But I didn’t feel any of those feelings until the next day, about 100 times worse. I’ve attempted to quit many times, always coming back with the “I can handle myself now, I have more self control.” And every time it whirls into an every evening, after work binge, and weekend drinking benders. As a nurse, I KNOW how damaging this is to my body and mind. I’ve worked in an ER. I’ve worked with many people who have been brought in with severe alcohol intoxication and had to help them through DT’s. And yet, there I was. Drinking like a fish after all of those work shifts. Emotions and the mind are so powerful. And alcohol feeds right into the places we think we need it to. But in reality, it’s destructive.


#11

Thank you to everyone sharing your stories and your truth. I keep my reminder photo of myself (it’s posted on another post) from the day after I physically hurt myself from a fall during a blackout. It reminds me of the pain and turmoil and bad decisions I made…and that I never have to do, feel, or be that way again.


#12

You are not alone, I have similar stories too. You are on the right track now, so stay strong and those bad memories will be outnumbered by the good ones you will experience through sobriety.


#13

Thanks for sharing your story, or one of them. Unfortunately we all have them. This passed weekend mine sounds similar but I was on the receiving end this time. I know a lot of people will think “I hope you’re not still with him because men don’t hit women”. No one should hit anyone but I’ve done the same to him. I had to call into my job due to being hungover and sore from our brawl. Yesterday I went to the ER with extreme vertigo. I’m sure I got a concussion. So… Today I got fired. Gawd I can’t believe my life has come to this point. I have two degrees and have worked in health care for 15 years (I’m 36). I am just so over it. I was sober for 4 years once and then met my now husband and thought I could handle it. Clearly neither he or I can. I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party but I feel as though I’ve finally hit my rock bottom.


#14

My husband I used to fight when we were both drunk…I bet the neighbors loved us. We are now both sober and no more disrespect.


#15

Oh I know right? We live in a snotty neighborhood too so I’m sure we are loved as well. I’m excited for what’s to come.


#16

Like they don’t have their own dark secrets…lmao


#17

Exactly. The holier than thou type never do lol


#18

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing you story.


#19

Thank you so much for sharing. You are not alone. I myself have had many of these black outs and woken up to the awful reality of what I have done. Alcohol ruins relationships for sure. But we have the power now :slight_smile: 132 days sober and life is so much better :heart:


#20

Last nite was it for me. I cut my thumb knuckle off at work around 11am so I was pissed walked off the job to go deal with it. By the I mean by a 12 pack and pound beers in my truck the rest of the day. Or every time I went to smoke a butt. I was angry over nonsense which sent me straight to the whiskey when I got home. Once I finished that bottle. I went to the bar for a few more beers and shots and I was out of my booze. Thankfully I walked there it’s not far which was nice but I’m thinking it was a bad idea. After about 6 more beers and several shots. I was in black out mode. I guess I picked a fight thankfully he didn’t beat the shit out of me. I could barely stand he just push me down effortlessly count times I’m told. After that I came home and destroyed the photo album my gf made me for valetines day i took a sharpie and wrote horrible things on the walls shots talking my gf and her best friend that lives with us. I said nasty thing to them. I hate. Myself right now and the person I turn into I’m a monster and I need help I’m having a really hard time just over 26hrs since my last drink I’m starting to shake alil and I’m sad. I need help so I’m starting today this forum helped me