Been sober just around three months. When I am low, I have this deep void. And my addiction is.. well, love, men, drugs, attention, alcohol, porn. And I have this deep scream to be attached to a man. When out any man I see (good looking) I want him. It is not sexual, I just want to be close to him and want him to make me his. It has been like this since I was young.
I created this dream man in my mind (through movies and what not) and lived in this world, never being in reality. I am doing a lot of meditation and listening to a lot of satsang (sermons). And one of the masters there said, you are not special. I suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder and this really hurt me so much, though it is true. It is a deep held belief that I am special. It has been chipping away slowly but it is also bring a lot of sadness. To know that I am ordinary just like everyone else. It sits extremely uncomfortably with me.
Just want to latch on to a guy and never let go, that how it feels. Just want to hold on to something and never let go of it. It also makes me sad that I have lived a life with warped expectations and distortions. I feel rejected easily as I feel so entitled. This has been painful to let go of my sense of being special, to be grounded. The shattering of this self image is painful and confusing.
Was in pain so expressing. Thanks