This has to be my last time quitting drinking. I mean, I know better. I know that I can’t just have one drink like other people can. I know that I feel so much better and AM so much better when I don’t drink, but I also can’t remember the last time I went longer than 10 days.
Last night I fell literally on my face in the driveway, and I couldn’t get myself up. I just laid there on the gravel in the rain, pathetic, silently begging my body to cooperate and get my legs under me and get myself up and inside. Luckily I didn’t severely injure myself, I didn’t break any teeth or anything, but the bridge of my nose is ripped open and there’s not much I can do to hide that when I go to work tomorrow. My glasses are destroyed. And thus begins another night of lying awake being preemptively embarrassed and trying to come up with a believable story for my coworkers, who most likely won’t believe me anyway, because who really believes it when someone says they tripped and fell and caught their fall with their face? Let the rumors and suspicion and murmurs begin.
I’m just so tired of myself. I’m sick of spending money on this stupid habit and then turning around and worrying about paying my bills, KNOWING why money is tight. I’m sick of being anxious all the time and waking up in the morning wondering if I said or did something the night before that now has my husband mad at me. I’m sick of obsessing over the idea of death, but meanwhile actively doing something on the daily that will not allow me to live a long, healthy, happy life. I’m sick of being afraid of doctor appointments. I’m sick of making up stories to excuse injuries. I’m sick of not being myself, because I know this is not who I really am.
How my husband is still by my side I’ll never understand. If the roles were reversed I would have left long ago, and that’s hard to admit. He took such good care of me last night and has been so patient and understanding today. If I can’t do this for myself, I have to do it for him. He deserves better. Everyone in my life deserves better than this version of me.
This has to be the last time. It’s going to be hard, but I can do and have done hard things. I graduated college with a 4.0 while working full time and taking care of my family. I survived a life of traumas. There is no reason for me to let something as stupid as alcohol ruin my life.
Thanks for listening. I just had to put this all…. Somewhere. I had to be honest with myself and say it “out loud” to hold myself accountable.
I’m new here also. I hope to see your forward progress daily. The first couple of days will be hell. Just remember “this too shall pass” If you need the “detox jumpstart” DO IT. Don’t risk your life self detoxing. I wish you the absolute best . STAY STONG AND COMMITTED
Hey @Whatacleverusername, welcome to Talking Sober
I’m so sorry to hear about your injury to your nose and that you had such a terrible night of drinking. A lot of us describe reaching our “low” before finding the motivation to truly never drink or use again. I’m not sure if i believe that or not, but alcohol definitely brought me to my knees more than once before i found the strength to get sober. Stay connected on here and in other sober and recovery communities and give this to yourself okay? You deserve to feel better
Welcome. I really remember being where you were. Just in disbelief at my own behaviour, even though I was the one doing the behaviour. The classic ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’ saying is a good one to remember. If you have been unable to quit by yourself then maybe time to try something uncomfortable? I’m not sure if you already know, but AA, Smart Recovery and Recovery Dharma are all peer recovery programs. Getting into one and really focusing on sobriety was what got me sober.
Hi! So glad you’re here and wanting to do life differently. I too remember when I was so so sick and tired of being sick & tired. I heard them say those wonderful words, “Smitty, you don’t have to drink ever again” and I’m saying it to you like they did to me. I had to do the work to get to a place of neutrality to booze. AA taught me how. This place daily gives it reinforcement. I remind myself daily I’m a simple alcoholic that doesn’t have to drink, today.
Now my life is really good. Not marvelous or outstandingly wonderful but really good. I wish you the same in your journey, friend. Big hugs!
Welcome W.
I’m glad you’re basically ok. Not hurt.
I’ve learned alcohol is not stupid. It’s a cunning and baffling disease. I don’t think anyone starts off drinking thinking great. I can’t wait to be an alcoholic. It just happens.
When I had had enough of all you wrote about I got on line and looked for an app. I thought. “There’s got to be an app for this.”
I’m on here every day and this wonderful community helps keep me sober. ODAAT.
One day at a time.
I even go to AA meetings now.
Have a good read around. Learn all you can about addiction. We are all good people. Smart people. But when alcohol is involved? All bets are off. Alcohol is bigger than each one of us. But together. With support from each other. We don’t have to live like that anymore. It takes work. It ain’t easy. But when I wanted it bad enough. I am doing it.
Get a good pic of that nose of yours. And let it be your rock bottom before it’s too late. Today is a great day for a Day 1
Thank you so much. I of course do not mean that alcoholism is stupid or that we as people are stupid. I just have a hard time believing that something as insignificant and unimportant as alcohol has become such an impediment to my life. That I’ve allowed it to. That I’ve allowed it to even after seeing it destroy so many friends and family members. It feels so nonsensical and I’m so ashamed. Thank you for your input and support. I’m still not sure I can do this, but I’m sure as hell going to try. I’ve been very resistant to the idea of AA for years but I’m considering going to a meeting tomorrow because obviously everything else I’ve been trying hasn’t worked.
I too was very reluctant to go to AA. Took me almost 3 years before I went to my first meeting for me. I had been before, for or with my children. Grown up children.
Step 1. We admitted we are powerless over alcohol…. It’s a very powerful family disease that destroys lives. Shame is a very powerful wingman. It gets in the way of recovery.
There are many roads to recovery.
Here’s a great thread to check out.
I like to start my days here on the gratitude thread. Very powerful tool and great way to start the day.
I’ll quickly add that likely most, if not all of us, tried multitudes of our own ways to beat this disease. Rarely do folks get sober & do it alone and the ones that do often are bitter for the remainder. Stick around please.
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us and I’m glad your injuries were not worse.
Can I make a suggestion? Take a photo with your cuts, bruises and broken glasses on. You might not feel like it now, but next time you feel you have to drink… take a look at it. It might help.
One thing I have learned slowly along the way is that sobriety requires a ton of effort. Way more than I could have ever believed. It’s like a project you keep adding things to until one day you notice that it has started to get easier.
I felt the same about my wife - how she took the years of bullshit I don’t know. I guess because I, like you, are not all bad, we just have one big problem. Don’t let it define you any more.
Welcome to the community! I’m glad you found us. I’m sorry you fell the way you did and hope hour face injuries heal quickly for you. I can relate to a lot of what you shared . I have slept on the floor more than once because getting back up and to the bed at the moment was impossible. All the cover up stories at work etc . It’s exactly the same way I was living up until a little while ago . I have found this community to be incredibly helpful in my journey and hope you can find it helpful as well. Take some time to read around and get involved where you can. The daily check in thread is a great place to meet a lot of the most active members at once and the daily gratitude thread Dazercat suggested is another great one I use almost daily. I hope to see you around and share this journey with you. You can do this
I love this. It’s so true. I’d also add I quit alone in the past and all it did was make me more angry and resentful. I eventually went back. Stay here. Interact. We got this Smitty (my childhood cat’s n name btw lol)
@Dazercat I’m not mad about the distraction actually always here for a cat chat and saw there was a thread so I’m heading there next time I need to get my mind off something!
Welcome. Your story is eerily similar to my own and many others. I was in similar shoes last year. It just had to be my last day 1.
This app is great. Authentic and helpful. I look forward to seeing you around.
always here for a cat chat and saw there was a thread so I’m heading there next time I need to get my mind off something!