I didn’t read through all of the responses. However, I do recommend the book “1-2-3 Magic”.
Give it a look.
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I feel you on that, Mandi. So, still a touchy subject needless to say, but I will second my opinion of no spanking. I believe that a child younger than 8 has a difficult time separating the difference between hitting and spanking. If they go and hit their brother and dad says, “no hitting. The consequence is getting spanked.” This makes logical sense to separate ourselves from the situation and be consistent with this form of punishment. But, a child may just see this as they cant do something, but mom or dad can.
That’s the small of it. But, I firmly believe that “corporal punishment” can lead a child to resent their parents. They might respect you and obey you, but are they going to love you? That’s the ultimate unknown.
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I think we can be both parents to our kids and friends to them at the same time. If we treat our children as we would a good friend, maybe they’d be more receptive to listening to our council.
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That’s the thing-my boy used those exact words, but WHY do you hit me if I’m bad? He didn’t understand the difference. So his father tried to explain spanking to him and he asked again, but what good does hitting do? It totally made us both step back and go huh…What good ever came from it really? My ex’s father whooped him, he still was angry and resented him over that punishment. My dad went to the grave and my 49 year old brother STILL hates him (and is angry-man that’s effected his entire life really) for whooping him when he was a kid. He told me once it was because he was scared to death of a man that was supposed to love him. We had more stories like that than we could count. So once we actually asked ourselves that question, we decided that was the last time my boy would ever spanked.
One thing I can say helped is I made it a point to talk with him a ton. We always discussed everything pretty openly and what decisions got what results. He had clear expectations that I was on top of as well and I ALWAYS followed through. Like, when he was in 2nd grade and he slammed his bedroom door, we discussed that it wasn’t an ok behavior. If he was going to disrespect his door, he would lose it. And the next day, he slammed it again and it was gone for a month. When I said something, I meant it.
He is now telling me a story of how he wasn’t listening as a child, so we discussed how were were supposed to do a surprise that night and I told him if he didn’t pull it together and behave, we weren’t doing it. Well, he didn’t and so I never told him what the surprise was supposed to be. Apparently 15 years later he is still pissed he didn’t know what it was and I’ve forgotten by now lol.
He was rewarded for good behavior and grades so he quickly saw which direction worked best and went with it a majority of the time. We had chore charts that he earned money with, he said he loved that. He hated losing his games and tv play time (it was timed daily when he was young) because he didn’t listen or follow his expectations. He also got extra chores added too if behavior warranted it, unpaid of course. He said those were some of his motivating factors. Hope this helps some @Mtrav0040!
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When I was a kid my parents were really tough on two of my brothers and me. We all turned out as kinda screw ups anyway. Then they had a surprise baby 7 years after the next youngest and they took a different approach (not sure if they are just more calm in General these days or what). They hold their anger or frustration most of the time and practice patience like even when he was 2-4 and threw tantrums twice a day they would react calmly and it generally worked pretty good on him. They didnt cottle him and make it seem like throwing a fit was a good thing but like just put a hand on his shoulder and talk slowly, deeply, and calmly. Just quiet enough that in order to hear you they have to stop screaming. He has turned out to be a good kid so far.
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That’s some really good stuff @MandiH
Thanks for putting that out here. I know they are things I need to work on with my kids and have been thinking of ways to go about it.
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Very helpful! Thanks Mandi!
I totally agree! When I try to force Collin, Truman or Elliott to do things that they don’t want to do they will dig in their heels and fight to the death. No amount of threats, yelling or punishment will change it. It will end in them crying in their rooms, screaming ab ok it how they hate me and will never listen to me again. And the thing I wanted done, still didn’t get done.
Love and long-suffering is always the best choice. Patience will win every time. Give up on your own expectations. Pick and choose your battles. Win the war.
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If my kids were ever monsters it was because they were 1-3 years old (haha), tired, hungry or lacking something… stimulation, exercise, etc. If there was no winning in a situation I would distract them with what I thought they needed or with something more entertaining or extrovert-ing (what’s the word?). I’ve snapped at my kids many a times… it happens, we aren’t perfect. Is he in preschool or daycare? He might need some friends.
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He’s at daycare 3 to 4 days per week. He’s very extroverted and (imo) extremely intelligent for his age. He’s about to be shifting to daycare 5 days/we because my wife just got a new job with weekends off. I’m hoping this detail will help because we’ve sorta been on a weird pattern of days with dad and days with mom, so it’s tough to be consistent with discipline. Also, he is our first kid and we’re new to all this.
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@Mtrav0040 I would suggest adding some variety to the day (switching or rotating toys), going outside, drawing, reading, visiting new places. You can look forward to going somewhere together. If your little one doesn’t behave in public…go right home.
Also, what works for my grandkids is giving them a choice, either you will pick up your toys or I will take them away. Then, do it. Not forever, but a reasonable amount of time. Make sure it’s something you can follow thru or you’re stuck with a big dilemma when they call your bluff.
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