Well… This deserves it’s own topic more than the 100 days did. But my opinion here is slightly biased. There’s something about round numbers that sounds better to me than weeks, months… hell… it’ll soon be years.
Anyway, enough rambling. It’s been a minute since I first joined this community guns blazing and arguing with anyone bored enough to enter a debate with me. A lot happened in my life since, I was a hot mess and even I had given up on myself.
Years of trauma and abuse had turned me into a self-destructive mess with one hell of a death wish. And I couldn’t see a way out. After years of one step forward, ten steps back… I was close to giving up on more than one occasion.
Anything to feel anything. Or better put, anything to numb everything. Then the drunken drugged up blackouts would happen. Hospitals. Police. Hospitals and police. Home made cuts, burns, and bruises. A slew of bizzare messages posted on the internet and sent to people who I really shouldn’t be in contact.
I was blocked by several former friends and exes over the years. And the sad thing is that I don’t even remember why exactly in some of these cases.
Being blackout drunk is a blessing and a curse. My behaviour was so out there and extreme I’m kinda glad I don’t remember most of it. On the flip side, the lack of memory made it easier to downplay the events and start drinking again within days. I’d tell myself, ‘Nah, fam, you’re cool. You can moderate, one bottle of red won’t hurt. You need it to relax.’
It got a lot worse before it got better. A quack shrink used me as a guinea pig and threw meds at me like they were Halloween candy. He nearly killed me. More hospitals, more police, almost getting institutionalized.
Then I found a good shrink who diagnosed me with the right stuff and put me on the right meds. I started functioning again. But did I stop drinking? For a while.
Then… on the merry go round I jumped. It’s fine, I can moderate, I’m kinda stable now. Stable I was. Moderate I could not.
On the 13th of January 2023 I had my last two beers. Two days before I went out, got blackout drunk, texted some people I really shouldn’t. It wasn’t anywhere near my worst blackout drunk regret. But it was my last.
The first few months things were pretty much up and down. Hell, today I’m pretty much up and down. Still mentally ill. But sober as a judge. Ok… me becoming a judge on anything even the X Factor would be a terrible idea.
But my life has changed a lot for the better. I’m… well, stable. My place is clean. I shower every single day (it’s a bigger deal than you’d think), I meditate and try practicing mindfulness most days, I’m working on a semi-regular schedule and, on some months, I’m even making decent money, my husband smiles more and he doesn’t worry about me as much (that’s probably the best part), I can tolerate my family a lot better.
Basically… I’m kinda like a normal person these days. I mean, I still sleep too much. My sugar intake is still not where I’d want it to be. And I’ve been procrastinating getting back into an exercise routine for far too long.
But… I’m happy.
Point of this ridiculously long post is… If I can do it, so can you. Getting sober was by far the best decision I ever made.
I’m also really grateful for this community. You guys play a huge part in my sobriety journey, and I’m grateful to play a small part in your journeys.
Love and light
L.
