To the few who believe this to be a sober tinder

It is very discouraging and inappropriate when a person starts hitting on people on this forum. This is not the place for such things! We are all at various (usually vulnerable) places in our recovery and come here for camaraderie, solace, and help from those with similar struggles. We bear our souls on here and the last thing I personally want to feel is like its yet another unsafe space. Now I will commend our fine moderators and patrons for being so on top of it and nipping it in the bud pretty promptly and making me feel safe, but its sad that they have to.
I’m not sure if there are others like me but, this can be a huge trigger for me. In my deepest part of my addiction I had very unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex. Unhealthy relationships and drinking were 2 addictions that just went hand in hand for me.
In the past 2 1/2 months I have striven to keep such unhealthy connections at bay and have mostly succeeded, but like my alcohol addiction it still will try to trip me up now and again. So yeah I know what some of you are probably thinking, …sounds like a personal problem! And while, yes, it is my own issue I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way and ask you to think of others weaknesses before you start trying to pick up some sober chick on this forum. That is not what we are here for. Its sad but it has been a reason I have disappeared from here days at a time. I’m not trying to tell people what to do or make anyone do anything but I am asking. Please leave the pick up lines on the dating sites. Keep this a safe space for those more vulnerable. Thank you.


Thank you :pray:


Thank u for sharing , i am agreed we dont need that here as u say . I support you on this . This is not a dating forum . We fight for our lives .


Couldn’t believe it when I saw the post I figure you’re referring to. Agree with everything you said above! :clap:

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13th stepping doesn’t help anyone. I’m relatively new here so I’m still learning the functions so I’m not sure if private messages are a thing, but I will flag any inappropriate replies.


I totally agree to what you’re standing for!
One suggestion which I consider it can be discussed: to remove profile pictures on the forum, so no one knows your gender, your look…so everyone can get the same treatment from the others. Just saying…


Personally I view taking her picture down as blaming the victim. I worked in the DV field for a long time and people would always just say 'well, why don’t you just leave him", which takes blame away from the perpetrator. Any person should be able to express themselves freely, picture included, on this forum so long as it doesn’t interfere with someone else’s recovery in an unreasonable manner. Sure, we will disagree on things, but to feel uncomfortable because of unwanted advances is not acceptable.


That’s really messed up, people are that desperate they’ll come on hear to hit on people, where people hope this is a safe space to open up about things they can only open up about with people who relate


Thanks for posting this Rosie. As a lust addict, the distinction of the purpose of this forum is very important to me. I have always had a very hard time building platonic relationships with the opposite sex, but I’m hopeful this is a safe place where I can do just that.

For the comments about profile pictures, it’s helpful for me to see everyone’s tiny icons. I often recognize the picture rather than the screen name and it helps me track conversations.


Was there something MORE than the “hot ladies” post? I mean, I saw that and thought “douchebag” but I didn’t actually think he was trying to pick anyone up. I just thought it was a dumbass troll getting a few giggles from his mommy’s basement. Like 13 year old boys who call up the sex help radio show and can’t stop laughing.

But if it went beyond that, especially if anyone was getting PMs, then that is beyond uncool.


As I mentioned from the very beginning, I am on the same side as you and the owner if this post are, I totally disagree with any kind of harassment, 100%! But I cannot observe some pictures which I personally consider that don’t have much to do with sobriety (I know that this is an subjective issue), which is the purpose of this forum. I didn’t refer to “her”, I haven’t notice the post in cause, I was saying about all the profile pictures, and it was just an opinnion, an ideea, I didn’t want to upset anyone here, on this forum which I love, by the way! Wish you all the best!

@Rosey holy s***! My heart breaks that you had to deal with those types of experiences on here…that is just awful. Your speaking out against it and standing up for yourself was beautiful, props to you for not silencing yourself. Because this type of stuff INCREDIBLY inappropriate.
On that note, as our fellow member said, this app is meant to be a safe space. Come on folks, have some BASIC human decency.
Now I am ranting. Because this hits a little close to home. Are we SERIOUSLY that short on dating/hookup apps that we now troll recovery apps for new people to meet?!?! Come on!! There are SO many! It’s 2018 people, don’t we have enough sad stuff in the world already? The thought of trying to take advantage of a person in recovery to meet your own needs, sexual or otherwise, makes me physically ill.
If you want to use technology to fulfill some sort of need of yours, be my guest. Do it on an appropriate site.
But, because apparently some people don’t notice context clues and subsequently get pretty far, hopefully to this comment, it needs to be spelled out a little more clearly. So here it goes.


Thank you Rosey.

As someone who strives to be “one of the good guys”, a husband and father to both an adult son, and an tween daughter, I try to apply this measure: “Would I be offended if someone else said/wrote this to my wife, or my daughter? Would my wife be offended if she knew what I said/wrote?”

Compliments can be dicey areas, IMHO. If offered to build someone up in a positive fashion, for their benefit alone, they are genuine. If offered for personal gain, then they are disingenuous flattery. Much depends upon how they are offered, and how they are received.

Solicitations are solely for personal gain.

I hope that any compliment I have offered to any women (or man for that matter) on this forum has been taken in the spirit intended, as a respectful acknowledgement of their infinite value as people, well and beautifully made by the God I believe in. If not, then I offer my apologies.

And my thanks, as well, to the Mods for policing this party. Just like Dalton in the movie Road House, they are “nice, until it’s time not to be nice”.


I am 100% with you @Rosey!


Wise words: “Would I be offended if someone else said/wrote this to my wife, or my daughter? Would my wife be offended if she knew what I said/wrote?”


I think that is the clue…compliments are nice. I said to someone yesterday “you have very pretty eyes”. I hope she took it to be the compliment it was meant. But a post that says “you ladies are hot” is not a compliment. It’s a slimy come-on. To some people the difference might be subtle (perhaps the poster meant it to be a compliment and did not think it could be taken as slimy) but for most women it is not subtle at all. And your measure “would I be offended if this was said about my wife or daughter” is an EXCELLENT measure. I wish more people would do that. (It makes me think of the guys who do the FHRITP thing…would they say that if it was their sister or mother there…heck no…so don’t say it to some random journalist trying to do her job)

And nice Roadhouse reference!!


I’m with you on this one!!

If the poster intended it as a compliment, it shining example of a lack of understanding of the concept: “presentation is half the meal”.

If I am going to take the time and effort to prepare a nice meal to serve to someone else, I want them to enjoy eating it. Therefore, I should try not to serve it to them on a trash-can lid. If I do, it really doesn’t matter how tasty the meal, the one being served can’t get past the fact that the “plate” is something used to cover garbage.


Well I’m glad I’m not the only one who was bothered by this. Thank you all for backing me up and keeping this place safe and creeper free. @VSue that was not the only post that made me finally post this, but just the straw that broke the camel’s back. There have been several other posts and comments on pics (multiple diff gals) I have noticed over the past few weeks as well as a few personal messages. At first I just tried to ignore it and let it slide, but I felt it finally needed to be addressed. @Yoda-Stevie you are one of the good ones! I never once felt threatened or uncomfortable by anything you have said. I think people know when their motives are wrong. And I can tell by the way I feel after a message or comment. Weather I feel good and encouraged or dirty and gross or like a piece of meat. Let’s just keep it safe and clean. Thanks y’all! :purple_heart:


Yuck, that is so creepy and completely uncalled for. Talk about wrong place/wrong time!! If the private messages to you are out of line you should definitely report the users, that has to be a violation of the forum rules and guidelines. This has to remain a safe place and not make anyone feel uncomfortable or triggered. There’s no place for that behavior here, IMO.
Compliments, when presented respectfully and in a way that uplift someone, are wonderful. But private messaging someone for the purpose of hitting on them or being creepy shouldn’t be tolerated. And please don’t change your profile pic, it’s not your responsibility to change anything because you haven’t done anything wrong. :kissing_heart: