Today I feel defeated

Life in Recovery
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I’ve just returned to this community after maybe a half year of boozing (not daily, but in a way that I haven’t tried to correct it). My most successful streak of sobriety in recent years has only been couple of weeks here and there. This week has been me really trying and getting in the mindset that I can’t drink ever again which is the hard part.

Today we had an impromptu family gathering with food and just sitting together. They brought wine. Note, that they don’t know my struggles and I’m not going to open up about them, for several reasons.

I casually said that I’m not indulging today, but they can.

But oh man…I was so ready to just throw everything away. I have antabuse so luckily I can’t, but the feeling was gut wrenching.

I felt depressed and so angry that I couldn’t take that glass of wine. Even at this moment I feel like I’m just gonna skip tomorrow’s pill and wait for the antabuse to get out of my system so I can have that relief again.

I’m not sure why am I writing, but I guess I’m just trying to convince myself that I can do this, and there is absolutely nothing to gain from drinking, even for a day.

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Welcome back to the forum!! It definitly sounds like that inner battle is going on within u. The 1 part that is the craving and wanting to continue on to the bitter end, and the other part of u is wanting sobriety. Im proud of u for not giving up. Im glad ur here seeking support. Bcuz u DONT have to live this way anymore.

It mustve taken great strength and courage to say no to that wine. Thats incredible work!! And if it helps, before u do anything tomorrow morning, take that Anatbuse pill. Do whatever it takes to stay sober. It will get easier over time, it really does.

Can I ask… what are ur reasons for wanting to quit? Sometimes a refresher helps to strengthen that foundation. Theres also inperson and online 12 step meetings that can be beneficial, if ur interested. We gotta stay recovery focused each and every day :slight_smile:

Glad ur here!

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Thank you for your kind words.

This is funny, I actually feel my heart settling down and I feel calmer after reading these things here:) something about what you said resonated deeply. “You don’t have to live like this anymore.” That is the corner stone of my sobriety, I think.

The reasons why I don’t want to drink are my children. They are with me, happy and healthy (and I also have the love and support of my spouse) but I know if I keep on drinking someday things can and will be drastically different. Also I really want to lose weight, and alcohol has always been the reason I can’t make that happen. I just want to feel healthy and get back to hobbies I used to have when I was younger. Right now alcohol takes all that fun out of it, because I’m barely surviving.

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I feel this completely. My son is my main motivator for my recovery, as is my relationship with my husband and my health also. What u said is sooo true tho :backhand_index_pointing_down:

Alcoholism/addiction is absolutely progressive and it WILL get worse. Our addict minds will lie to us constantly, trying to convince us that it wont happen to us, that we can handle just one, that itll be different this time. None of that is true.

I love ur reasons for quitting!!! Maybe screenshot ur response or write then down in ur phone or on paper, so that when that urge creeps up, u can read it over n over and remind urself who and what ur doing this for :smiley: With support and effort u can live a life that is happy, joyous, and free. Wr no longer have to just survive. We can thrive in life! I dont have any regrets on getting clean and sober… only that I didnt do it sooner lol

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You definitely can do this. I’m fighting right alongside you. We’ve got this :heart:

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These words make me feel good, thank you!:slight_smile:

And not starting sooner is a regret I’ll happily welcome instead of never doing it​:smiling_face:

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Hi. It can feel like you are missing out of something when everyone around you is drinking. It helps me to remember it is just a category of liquids that I cannot drink. I can still have many delicious beverages, that don’t come with the risk of me detonating my life.
Like you, I was barely survivng when I was drinking. Even when I wasn’t drinking or hungover, I was thinking about, planning, debating, negotiating, fearing, waiting for alcohol. It was always hanging over me. I am so glad to be free of it.
Like Butterflymoonwoman said, have a list of your reasons. I bookmarked how I felt after a replapse, and I refered to it often.

Try not to focus on what you can’t do, but focus on the things you will gain: time, energy, clarity, freedom.

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Oh wow, this hit me.

Everything you wrote in both of those things make so much sense.

It was exactly that. I have been anxious 24/7, because I’m planning, fantasizing, worrying, counting minutes to the next drink. It’s so exhausting.

But you know what? This is my day 6, well 5 and half I guess. And I woke up feeling AMAZING. It feels like I don’t even need my naps. I feel like painting, playing the piano, playing with my kids. That’s more precious than anything else could be​:heart:

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Maybe a meeting might help wish you well

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I was on Antabuse three different times. The first two, I played that same game as you are contemplating - waiting a day or two, then drinking for “relief”, then waiting a day for the alcohol to clear my system and restarting the Antabuse. It was a lot of work for me to learn that I was not done drinking yet.

I can see now that “that relief” was largely something I created in my mind. There might have been a physical symptom, like during a hangover, or an emotional twinge, like a craving, but I know today that I would exaggerate that condition in my head and exaggerate the need for alcohol as the only solution to it. In other words, relief exists only where there is tension, and I overplayed the tension, sometimes consciously, so that I would “have no other choice but to” drink.

In order to get sober, I had to surrender to the idea of sobriety. I was definitely anti-sobriety before I got there, I thought every day was going to be a struggle against drinking, that my life would be an endless procession of gray, gloomy, no fun, days forever. When I got to the point in my mind that continuing to drink was worse than that, then I could get sober. Also, my physical freedom was finally credibly threatened. I did serve 3 years of house arrest and parole at the beginning of my sobriety as a result of my drunken behavior, but I was staying sober at that time because I had come to love sobriety, not to demonstrate that I was “doing good” and could be released.

The logical reasons to quit, like children, job, relationship, health, freedom, have to be accompanied by a fundamental commitment to becoming sober independent of preventing further loss or gaining something positive. I needed to be willing to get sober because finally I saw that drinking was worse (like your description of obsession with alcohol, how many days until using and the lies and the money etc etc etc) than not drinking. And then my abstinence had to be bolstered with a plan to grow my sobriety - that’s when I was lifted off the scrap heap and walked into a life of serenity and satisfaction.

AA meetings and working that program helped me tremendously, as did counseling and radical accountability. If you are willing to consider anything at all in order to get and stay sober, you will be rewarded in a way you cannot imagine now.

Every little thing is gonna be alright. Blessings on your house :pray: as you turn the page into your second week.

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Thank you​:heart:

It’s like you can see into my brain, which just shows how universal the struggles with addiction is.

The biggest hindrance for me staying sober has always been the though “the rest of my days are going to be miserable endless fight against cravings, so why not just drink and feel some satisfaction in this life.”

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I did do AA at one point, but where I live the groups are just a few, and they are really late at night, which I cannot do with my kids. Also the people there have been sober for decades.

This community has been a great substitute, because I can come here any time I want, and there are people here struggling in the exact situation as me:)

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Of course, your battle is a tough one, ‘No Yoga’. We all know that there is pain and suffering of a different kind from the one that we typically suffer. It is a yearning or longing, romantically remembering days gone by, which truly might or might not be worth remembering. But you will soon learn, that doesn’t have to be so. However. please think a different way about your statement

“ the rest of my days are going to be a miserable and endless fight against cravings, so why not just drink and feel some satisfaction in this life…”

In the beginning of my sobriety (now 391 days) I had that recurring thought frequently. I’ve have three invasive cancers, had radical surgery and then chemotherapy in the last three years. I told myself that at one year of sobriety I’d allow myself to “moderate”. Well, first of all I’ve read and heard about, on this and other forums, that the odds are pretty slim of success.

The second reason I did not return to drink is that I learned, over time, that well worn ‘ONE DAY AT A TIME” was really worth doing. You don’t have to worry about the “rest of my days”, however short they could be. Just get and keep the strength for today, and do it again tomorrow and the next..

We may either die young and fast, with varied degrees of remorse for breaking our promise, or with a strong and good feeling we ended with the satisfaction of sobriety…we “sprinted to the finish”. I plan to.

God Bless and give you heaps of strength, my friend!.

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You are truly a fighter, in more ways than one​:heart:

Thank you for your wise words. I feel weirdly strong that this time, after all these years, I finally have the experience and courage to give sobriety my all. Every day (even though there aren’t many yet) I feel a horrible want to drink, but every evening when I go to bed, and every morning I wake up, I thank the universe and myself that I didn’t cave in:)

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Great to hear that more positive message from you No Yoga! All the wonderful people here at All of Talking Sober will be pulling for you, so keep us informed of your progress.

You are special, and will be…just finish today sober, and only concentrate on tomorrow,…tomorrow!

Her Truth

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Keep us up to date on your journey wish you well

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My little town and my fishing schedule makes it hard to make it to meetings.

Ive been enjoying listening to theses zoom meetings.

Meeting Directory – Online Intergroup of Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting Directory – Online Intergroup of Alcoholics Anonymous

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Thanks for the tip!:slight_smile:

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