I’m starting my health journal back up today, dug it out and the last entry was on Friday the 13th last September. The entries leading up to this one were another of my “contemplating quitting alcohol attempting to put into action” phases after I had spent over two weeks sober while staying with and helping my brother and sister-in-law with their week old baby, my first niece. The first few days were spent with withdrawal symptoms, thank goodness I had gotten some of that out of my system before heading down there, and also that you can’t sleep when there’s a new baby, regardless. I spent a week delaying and delaying my arrival - withdrawals were bad and my anxiety about driving had gone through the roof over the past year, the prospect of a 10 hour drive seemed impossible and I was on the verge of backing out of one of the most important promises I would have ever broken. Until my parents finally came and got me, driving 10 hours each way to do so. Oh the shame…none of it from them, of course. They are beautiful, kind and caring people who love me.
After returning home from that magical, powerful and bonding experience with this new little creature in our family, and with my best friend from birth my brother, here is an entry that feels important now. How fitting and timely with our Friday the 13th this week and full moon tonight.
“Went out to look at the full harvest moon on Friday the 13th - won’t happen again for another 20+ years. Made a promise to myself to put myself and my well being first. I want to have a better handle on my people-pleasing tendencies. They come from a genuine place of wanting to help people, but also come from a need to be accepted, liked, appreciated, etc. I want to cultivate intrinsic motivation and self-esteem, self-confidence.”
What’s between the lines there is the knowledge creeping in, yet again, that alcohol was the most obvious direct barrier to achieving those things. I have tried and tried since then to “take breaks” and at the very least quit binging, to no avail. And here I am today, on my 7th day, doing the thing again…I really believe that things are different this time with the perspective that there is no in between for me. It’s time to stop. I’ve learned so much since I started reading this forum since last October. I’m so glad I got the courage to start posting and becoming engaged in this community, and so grateful to you all. I have more hope and belief that I am making the right choice today to be sober and have learned so many tools and so much information that will help me on this path. Thank you, everyone.
as you begin your journey.