Toxic Family Members - to reconnect or not to reconnect?

Life in Recovery
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Hello all. I am struggling with reconnecting with some family members that have disowned both myself and my mother (also an addict, also in recovery).

We have a long history. My grandparents (let’s call them R and J) adopted my mother. My mother and I are very close, we are both in recovery and we are both highly spiritual beings.

R and J are very typical in their story: they are upper class, in their 80s, white, and educated. They came from money, and they were able to make their own fortune. Money, status, and power are important to them among all else. When my mother and I struggled with addiction and recovery, we were dropped from the family. How dare we stain their reputation (I’m hoping you can already see how unhealthy this relationship has been over many decades).

I had an opportunity to meet with R and J for lunch. I struggle immensely with insomnia, and accidentally overslept. I am wondering if my subconscious was playing a role here. Am I ready to let them in again? No.

My mother has tried multiple attempts to reconnect with R and J, all unsuccessful. I have struggled to maintain a relationship with them because of the pain they caused my mother and I. I have tried to make amends, I have tried to include them in my step work, but it gets me nowhere. I have accepted my faults, and have tried to reconcile, but again - all unsuccessful.

When and how do I know if making amends will do more harm than good? R and J are not the “unconditional love” type of people. I cannot be my true self with them, I have to wear a mask. In order to be accepted by them, I have to change what I say, how I act, what I wear, etc. This type of love doesn’t feel good to me, in fact it makes me feel very, very bad. I have apologized and tried to make amends so many times, all unsuccessful. I am trying to surround myself with people who understand and accept me for who I am - addiction, insomnia, depression and all my other flaws included.

How can I tell when an attempt at amends is more harmful than not? I am going to a meeting tomorrow, but would like to connect here in the meantime. I welcome all stories and advice. Thank you :heart::pray:

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In my experience, amends and reconciliation are two distinct things. My amends were about me changing my behavior and owning past misdeeds, no matter what reception I got from the other party.

Reconciliation requires commitment and change by both parties.

May you find peace in your heart and home.

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You are trying to surround yourself with accepting loving understanding people. Sounds right to me for you. Do you see a chance that your grandparents will ever be accepting, loving and understanding towards you and your mother?
You must do what is good for you. I’m happy you’re in recovery and doing well (so it seems from what I read). Keep doing what is good for you. I understand having a good relationship with your family is important but is there a chance you ever will? Keep doing what is good for you. You’re on the right road.

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Hmmm, difficult. But I think deep inside you already know what to do.
I often tried to reconnect with family and every time it felt wrong, I played the woman they wanted me to be. I thought I had to. They’re family and this is how it has to be. But I decided to listen to my gutfeeling.

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I think you should try reconnect. I lost my mom to suicide and what I would give for 1 more visit. Show them you are stronger, better, and healing. If they don’t like it, then you can say you tried. I wouldn’t fake anything though.

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The two old birds aren’t going to change. If you feel like shit after being in someone’s company time and time again, then kiss them goodbye.

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I’m so sorry for your loss. :sweat:

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Thank you, this is what I have been feeling for years and years.

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I left mine years ago after my parents passed away. Each and every time I heard from them I’d be in a deep funk for days after. Finally, I’d had enough and cut them off. You don’t need that in your life, rise higher and soar without them💖

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I disagree with making amends just because life is short.

You sound like you have come a long way in your recovery :slight_smile: not to sound dense, but can I ask why you want them in your life?

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@Lionfish I love that question! Honestly, I have no idea why I want them in my life. Maybe just to prove them wrong? Hmmmm. Good question that I should ponder more, because I bet the answer will be very illuminating! Thanks for asking! :heart::pray:

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Thank you so much for your response. I agree with your sentiments and appreciate the questions you brought up. I will meditate and pray on this and above all continue working on my recovery and sobriety first.

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Didn’t know where else to post-I am over 3 years sober and am still having issues with my boyfriend’s sister. Before I got sober, I cheated on my boyfriend over a 6 month period of time. Alcohol is not to blame but played a huge part in it as I was only not drinking when I slept. I was in a dark place. My boyfriend along with his entire family as come to accept my apology and we are all on good terms. His sister lives with my boyfriends mom and his mom said that she will no longer let his sister tell her who she can have and can not have in the house. We had plans to go over his moms house tomorrow for Easter so she could meet our new pup and she just cancelled. Saying that her sister had nowhere to go and wouldn’t stay in her room the whole day. It’s been over 3 years—when will this end? Has anyone dealt with something like this? The constant reminder of my fuck up is killing me. It’s one thing to not like someone it’s another to alienate them. Help.

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It took me a long time to learn these things…

  1. If they are not loving you and supporting you through your journey, then they do not deserve you.
    2.)If spending time with them makes you feel bad about yourself, those aren’t your people.
    3.) They can watch from a distance while you succeed and grow. Not everyone deserves your energy.
    I’ve let A LOT of people go the last 18 months. It wasn’t easy, but my peace is more important than keeping up appearances for people that don’t have my back and have my best interest at heart.
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Sorry your going through this Em,

It’s a sad situation, you admitted to your wrongdoings overcame that situation, made amends if you will, and decided it was best to move forward understanding you made a mistake.

I’m a strong believer of principles before personalities, That my relationship with my family members is more important than what they have done in the past and have made amends for.

Will she get over it? Idk, but apparently your in laws enable her behaviors as well, by canceling plans to avoid her isolating.

Honestly maybe try offering to have them come to you, Invite her as well, If she chooses to sit at home and poubt like a toddler, well then that was her choice she wasn’t uninvited she chose not to attend

Her loss, not yours

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Wow Emilee, the sister is a bitch in my opinion. If your boyfriend was able to forgive then she should do the same. It’s not her relationship and she should her honor her brother’s wishes. Then to have the mom cancel because of her makes it much worse, especially on a holiday. It’s probably too late but I would suggest having his mom come to your place instead.