If I ever had conflict in the past I would just drink and take it out on myself and then move on like nothing ever happened. Now I just cut people out of my life like crazy … it’s making me feel mentally unstable. I wish I could stop being so impulsive but as soon as someone hurts me I give them the boot. Delete, block, unfollow. Bye bye. If I keep this up I won’t have anyone left.
The most recent one was my dad. He cancelled plans to come see me this month and then basically told me he is busy until September when the baby comes. He goes to see my sister once a month! I know there is some deep resentment towards him from a lifetime of him being loveless and absent but I sent him a nasty message and then blocked him and deleted him like I am a freaking teenager.
The other people I cut out were my neighbor who didn’t invite my kid to her kids bday party, they play together all the time, I know that’s crazy right? And my friend who quit texting me back for months after I opened up and told her about my sobriety… I deleted her and I unfriended her. Anyone from my past who ever made me feel even a little bad I have deleted.
Is this normal? Or am I crazy?.. I am highly sensitive, so things hurt me deeply. Maybe it takes time to figure these feelings out. Maybe being aware of it now, I can try harder to not be so impulsive and act like a grown up next time.
Anyway, if anyone is going through the same thing, I am right there with ya.
I guess this is day 622’s learning lesson…
What helped me greatly with this, is asking myself a simple question every time I feel hurt, annoyed or irritated : “am I sure ?”
Basically it invites myself to try look at it from a different perspective.
Am I sure my interpretation is correct ?
Could there be another one that might be more accurate ?
Could there be factors I miss ?
This is where it’s good to have a sponsor, someone to talk about this stuff and most importantly sometimes, to tell you your nuts and to call you out on your crap. It’s working and is helpful for me. Just my 2 cents
Something I read recently said to take 24 hours. If you still feel the same after that 24 hours then say something about it within the next 48 hours.
I don’t relate to the impulse to cut people out but I do get real overwhelming feelings a lot and it always helps to take that step back and think before acting on impulse.
Interpersonal relationships are hard for people like you and I sweet Sarah. We feel things deeply and the intensity of our feelings are usually too much in the moment for us to “handle” until we are taught some skills. It has taken me quite a few years of therapy (DBT) and lots of practice to slow these knee jerk reactions down.
All of this is true. Becoming aware and being able to reflect back on our behavior to say, “oh… did my reaction fit the situation?” Is a skill… over time that space between the situation and the reaction or lack there of starts to move together and then past each other. Eventually you will be in a place where you can say to yourself " I am entering a conversation with my dad that is going to potentially be triggering…" and prepare yourself mentally for it so that those big emotions don’t come up.
You are doing a super job, don’t forget you are extra hormonal right now so have a little compassion for yourself.
I started a DBT thread ( slacked last week or so) but you should hop on it and see what we are doing.
If I hadn’t told you before congrats on the addition you have coming
In the relationship thing it’s almost a knee jerk reaction but I get it, it almost feels like A sign of Relief, like ok fuck you you you pissed me off, I’m gone.
And it seems easy, me personally I’m a Leo, so cut me off, I’m not coming back, you can reach out to me.
The reason why I don’t do it mainly is cause I people use it as a method of control not saying you directly, but a lot of people use it as a control method not my cup of tea
As far as handling it I look at myself, how fucked up and how I handled relationships, when I was not sober, I fucked up alot, canceled plans, showing up Late, not at all, but people stood by me,
Sponsors may help, I know when I was expected to take inventory make ammends. And such I was told what was my part in the relationship what was my wrong, or why did I act a certain way? I understand not wanting confrontation and it’s easier to cut ties than it is, to handle the issues
Thank you Stella! I’ve heard a lot about DBT but have never looked into it! It is probably a huge piece of the puzzle I am missing in my recovery so I am really glad you brought this up! I will definitely check it out!! Thank you.
Also yes hormones are through the roof!!
Sorry about all the typos! I’m in the middle of planting a raised garden! You would be proud.
Omg @Clarity I’ve been doing the exact same thing for the past couple months!!! If someone I had just recently met is rude or disrespectful in the least bit… block, delete and they’re gone I was questioning myself too but I’ve come to realize that for the first time in my life I’m actually protecting my space and I love it though it’s a bit harsh maybe
What I do is call 3 people and get feedback. Then go with the majority. Usually all 3 end up giving me the same advice. Thankfully, I’ve been going to AA meetings for a couple years so I have a bunch of ladies I can call. If it weren’t for them, I’d have no friends or family at all because I know I would have cut everyone out if left to my own devices.
Btw… I’m excited for the arrival of my 2nd TS baby.
I used to rank “friends”, people by levels. Tier 1 friend to Tier 3. Once you slipped to Tier 3 you were pretty much out of my life. This worked until I ran out of friends.
Aww Lisa that’s so awesome! That’s SO great that you have found that!! Makes me want to try again to get more involved in AA. I’ve been walking each week with a group of ladies! It’s been my saving grace… but I have yet to share anything deeply personal with them. AA would probably have more people who understand.
@Rockstar24777 yesss cutting out all the girls who were bitches to me when I worked at the night club was pretty satisfying although they probably have no idea they were mean to me. Yeah, it’s definitely a first for me with having boundaries and not being a doormat!! Takes getting used to. I love your attitude about it. You’re so awesome.
Okay so I think I’m gonna message my dad and apologize for being a crazy person and tell him I should go to therapy and hopefully see him in September? Oh man…
Just had to jump in on this one lol. Lower our expectations??? Helllll no. I am holding all people that come into my space at extremely high expectations because I deserve the best and so do you Sarah!! Lower our expectations so we can have more people in our life??? I think not my friend, you deserve the best and if people don’t match the levels you hold yourself too… snip snip mother fuckers I am not going to lower my standards anymore for people who can’t act right lol and I don’t think you should either! YOU ARE AWESOME and you’ve come so far!!! Thanks for letting me butt in
Makes me want to try again to get more involved in AA. I’ve been walking each week with a group of ladies! It’s been my saving grace… but I have yet to share anything deeply personal with them. AA would probably have more people who understand.
Yeah, it’s definitely a first for me with having boundaries and not being a doormat!! Takes getting used to. I love your attitude about it. You’re so awesome.
