Yup, that essentially why I got sober too. It took me being one breath, one single hand movement, from ending it all to make me remember that I had once been a different person. I didn’t used to need to sit at a bar to feel worthy or good. I didn’t need to be around people who made me look good to be happy. I didn’t need to compare myself, how much I was drinking or how fucked up I got, to feel like a winner. Once, I could find moments of happiness while clear headed, while not inebriating. In some past life people liked me for who I really was, not how I was when I was shit faced.
It took me one instant to change my life. It was the moment I decided that I was done. Not when I decided I wanted to be done, the moment I decided I AM done.
I never considered myself to relapse, I still consider my story free of them. I tried quiting so many times, but it was never truly quiting. There was always a drink at the end, another xanax to calm my nerves, another klonopin to help me sleep. Every time I quit drinking it was always temporary. It was a “resetting my thinking” before going back. I always went back because I never planned on not. Until this time. Every time I quit drinking my benzos use would soar through the roof. I always thought that would be temporary too. A “little” extra xanax to get through the anxiety, tremors, delusions and hallucinations. It was all going to be fine! I always thought, “hell, I’m a super smart woman, I have a plan, this shit will work out. I can get through a week or two and then I can start drinking like a normal person.” Begin popping benzos like it was my job.
For me, I had to chose dying by my own hand as an option before I could realize that I sincerely had another option. I’ve never looked back. June 17th, 2017 was the night I made that choice. Instead of picking up the entire bottle of xanax and washing it down with a beer I called my boss and said I had to take time off work and get better. I told them I had to get sober. I took 5 months off of work, completely submitted to my recovery and myself, and haven’t touched a damn thing since. I decided I was never going to drink again, nor take any benzos (that weren’t a part of my medically assisted detox). June 19th was the first full day that I spent clean of everything but my psych meds. At this point, the benzos were no longer my psych meds, they were a huge part of my abusing. My detox was brutal as all hell, for which I am grateful. I earned this shit!
That’s my story. Well, part of it anyway. I committed to never again, and that is how I stay.