Hf… this hit me hard. Hmmm time to delete the numbers. Gonna tell my hubby that he needs to do that today like asap.
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Even after my second rehab I kept one number. Having the number didn’t cause my relapse at all (they both started with booze) but it certainly made it easier. I always wanted to have that magical “one last good high” but it doesn’t exist. There was no great send off. My last high consisted of making the driver from the rehab wait until my dealer came through so I didn’t get dope sick on the way to rehab
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This applies to sobriety and life in general: When one forgives the offender from the offense, both are freed. The former from guilt, and the latter from anger and resentment. Even if the offender doesn’t feel guilty, the offended is still freed from anger and resentment. We can’t control others, only ourselves.
I haven’t followed the steps in a systematic fashion, but in reviewing them, I have followed them in spirit. Making amends meant apologizing to those harmed by my drinking. My wife. My daughter. A few close friends. I believe that the best way I can demonstrate genuine remorse, and “make amends” is to get better at getting better each and every day. This means being a better husband, father, and friend.
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I used to know the numbers off by heart cos I used to use phone boxes to call dealers. I think if I was in active drug addiction today, I’d memorize the numbers… also used to have them written down in address books.
As good a place as any for a quick rant - Don’t join AA, get a sponsor and ignore everything they tell you then say AA didn’t work for you.
Tommorow I’m joining my local knitting club and if someone don’t knit me a hat it’ll be their fault I’m cold.
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I feel this way about many of my stewardship counselees. Oh, you are going to do it your way? How’s that worked out so far?
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What colour hat?
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Totally agree with this. I had someone wrong me so bad once that I had that resentment/hate monkey on my back for years. Finally I let it go and forgave that person. I never spoke to them. I didn’t need to. I just let it go and moved on with my life. It was so freeing!
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Hi Menno - I’ve been thinking about your post for some days now. This month’s issue of the AA Grapevine includes an essay on step 11 (the use of prayer and meditation) by an avowed atheist. Too many of the AA pieces I read by atheists tell the story of how they capitulated in some way to the perceived religiosity of the program, but this guy stays true to his roots. He gives a good description of how an atheist can be spiritual, how a non-deity higher power is actually more inclusive and accessible than a godhead.
I couldn’t find a digital copy to share, so here’s pics of it.
Dan
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Thanks for sharing this Dan.
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I really enjoyed reading this thank you.
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I cannot imagine how exhausting my life would be if I were still blaming everyone and everything. When they say acceptance is the answer they really mean it.
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The person responsible for all of my problems is myself. - Me
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I’ve mentioned my rehab counselor a few times in the past but he frequently pops into my mind, especially after reading posts on here. He absolutely refused to co-sign my bullshit. This is exactly why I requested him the second time I went. He never let me place blame, or try to skirt my responsibility. Same with my sponsor now. They both understand that my recovery is my responsibility and if I want to be sober I’ll put in the work. They can give me tools and tips, but if I don’t listen then it’s my fault if I fail. And yes, relapsing is failure (doesn’t mean it has to be permanent tho). They are both sober and happy. So if I do what they did I can be sober and happy too.
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I don’t think relapsing is failure.
Same.
I stopped all that shit and now just blame one person… you.
If i fail it’s your fault @Englishd
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This is so true…
I don’t allow it to dictate or manipulate me to think it’s going to be good and the right thing to do I give it the cold fuck you shoulder.
As long as I keep the thought of how bad it makes me feel,
paranoid, lifeless, soulless even!!!
I tried many many times but I forgot and gave in to the devil…
My coping mechanism was alway when your in thoughts shout out fuck you sleep it off, take everyday as they come and always have the thoughts of how bad it was in your mind …
I’m not over 100days clean no support
I agree. I failed so many times, so many fucking times. Good thing I kept trying, all that failing led to some continuous success
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If all that relapsing led to some continuous success, perhaps maybe it wasn’t a failure.
For me, I’ve relapsed 100’s, maybe 1000’s of times. And I’m grateful for every one of them. I didn’t want to relapse. I wish I got it the first time around. But only through relapse, was I able to determine that something was quite wrong with my program.
Otherwise, the rest of my life would have been identified with white knuckling misery.
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This is 100% my experience. I might have used the word “relapse”, even after one 9 month stretch staying dry in AA, but the truth is I was never in recovery, I was always waiting for the day when I could return to drinking the way I wanted to drink.
If I drink in the future, it will be a conscious decision to return to illness. I am recovered and in health today. I had lots of help, and I still need it, to maintain my health. But still, I alone am fully responsible for deciding each day to avoid a return to drunkenness and to pursue growth of my sobriety.
Alcoholism can be like COVID, we can suffer from it and have no symptoms, which is different from being recovered from it.
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