well, yer stuffed then aināt ya. Your already a dick!
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Man, I remember my first few months of sobriety. Technically homeless, crashing on a couch in a disgusting apartment with people in active addiction. I had no money, no food, a bag full of clothes. I often didnāt know where, or even when, I might eat again. Shit was pretty bleak then. I could have picked up and used pretty much any day for about the first 100 days.
So here I am now, over 2 years later, reading posts about people drinking over some dumb shit. Sure things arenāt great now, even scary, but to act like this is the end of the world??? Cāmon. Yāall are addicts and alcoholics. This canāt possibly be the scariest thing youāve been through. Iād venture a bet that plenty of you have been through worse shit while sober. Donāt let your disease tell you this is a good excuse to pick up.
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Itās a good time for taking inventory. After a week of preparing my department to stay home I finally had a moment to realize so was I. It made me jumpy. But why? What the heck am I really afraid of?
So I wrote it out. For me, I realized it was the thought of hanging out on my own. I did a lot of damage that way.
Thatās bullsāt though. Iām not alone and I got better sāt to do than drink now. I know the deal and if I forget, I still have this forum and a sponsor or others I can call.
Nothing has really changed in the grand scheme other than where Iām sitting. If Iām angry plans have to change, wellā¦ gotta let that go! Big deal. Plans change. Different isnāt bad, itās just different.
Nothing to drink over and this too shall pass.
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Just think back to your last month drinking. I donāt know about you, but my final month was terrifying. Homeless (Pittsburgh this time), I had an overdose, daily suicidal thoughts, multiple withdrawals. That shit was scary.
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Yep. And seeing it on paper again, that that last month is what Iām really afraid of. I was completely isolating and ready to give up, not caring if I lived or died anymore.
Seeing it written though I realized that isnāt reality anymore. Sobriety allowed me to be more prepared, practically and personally, than I ever would be drinking. Sobriety taught me how to write this down and acknowledge it. To accept, take a breath, and carry on.
Instead of focusing on the worst, sticking to what awesome I can still find sober as sober folks have taught me.
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Truth and Tough Love. I dont know if there is any love in here but Iām going to let some truth rip in t minus 3ā¦ 2ā¦1
āBe selfishā. Two words. Seem harmless enough. In fact, they seem quite comforting, dont they? āNo darling, you be selfish, you take care of you - You come firstā
Are you kidding me? Are you actuallyā¦kidding me? You dont really believe this shit do you? How many more times are you going to relapse before you figure out that āBeing selfishā doesnt work?
Be selfish - The very behaviour that makes addicts what they are. Selfish.
Be Selfish - The very advice that goes entirely against the whole notion of a āhigher powerā
Be Selfish and focus on you - Thatās all youāve ever fucking done mate. Thatās why youāre in the shit-show youāre in.
Be selfish - Yeah dont worry about what other people think. All the matters is what you think. Be selfish - said no-one ever to the train driver with 300 people on board as he decides to derail the train and hit a platform full of peopleā¦ in order to read his newspaper.
Be selfish - Dont worry about listening to the ones that love you, stuck by you and put up with your crap for so long. You didnt listen to them before; why should you listen now?
Be Selfishā¦ what the fuck kind of advise is that to someone who wants to make a change from being selfish?
Jesusā¦fucking christ.
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I suspect what a lot of people mean when they say āBe selfish, focus on youā in this context is āDonāt let other peopleās issues distract you from recovery.ā A reminder to set boundaries so that youāre dealing with your own crap.
Iāve seen some people add to this in the direction of āBe selfish, do what you want to do,ā which I think is much less helpful, for the reasons you describe.
I agree that wording it as ābe selfishā carries ambiguities and can be problematic. As long as context makes it clear, it doesnāt bother me though.
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Am I the only one that sees these two sentences as different entirely?
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In the way that one can not ālet other peopleās issues distract youā¦ā Without out being a total selfish shit yes?
I can think about other people but not let their issues rent space in my head.
Or I can think only of myself in every thing I do. Not caring about anyone elses feelings at all in a selfish way
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If was struggling to stay sober and I had a partner that started asking for rides to work way across town when she normally takes the bus, but I donāt go that direction and it takes away the slot of time I need for recovery activities like meeting or therapy or whatever else, that would be a case where this could potentially apply. Me addressing my own issues so I can stop causing more damage probably helps her more than sugar-coating her life with me with favours here and there. Transportation to work is her responsibility (which I can help with or not), and staying sober and fixing what makes me act like a dick is mine (which she can help with or not).
I mean, itās just a hypothetical situation and Iām not pretending itās the answer to every scenario, but I hope my point comes across.
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I personally used the ābe selfishā mantra during months 2 and 3. Luckily my husband wanted to help me in any way he could, so when I needed to be in that mode, I was very clear about why, and he was supportive.
Go see a live band, that my husband really likes, in a pub? Sorry, Iām going to be selfish and not put myself in a situation that Iām scared about.
My thoughts; mood, emotions are all over the place ā¦ I canāt even think about what to make for dinnerā¦ until further notice. Do you mind making something or getting take out?
Iām going to take a bath now, instead of watching the movie with you. Ok?
I need to be on my own right now. Ok?
That kind of thing. I guess it depends on how far someone interprets and takes the ābe selfishā guidance, and if it hurts anyone. For me, itās an approach that worked/works for me.
Just my two cents. I have no idea how people with kids cope with demands on them in the early months. Kudos to them.
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An apology without change is manipulation.
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Agreed.
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Fucking damn right!
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Feeling sorry and being sorry are different things. I would always apologize for my bullshit and relapses, then Iād go do the same thing over and over. So was I actually sorry? Nope. Basically the apology was nothing more than permission to go out and do it again. Hence the manipulation.
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Right. Are they sorry because you are upset with them, or are the sorry that they upset you? Took me a while to grasp this nuance, but once I did, my apologies became more sincere, and less frequent due to the fact that a more considerate me was more aware of how my words and actions affected others.
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Truth can be tough to love.
Sometimes you donāt need to love itā¦ Just be friends with it so that it can help you as all good friends do.
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