Your personal accountability for your sobriety has always been a great example…
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Ah, high school. Good times.
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Wise words. Being offended is absolutely a choice. You can just choose for things to not affect you. You have power over the influences surrounding you.
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18 months.
18 months is how long I was sober until I was allowed to visit my parents home.
22 years.
22 years is how long I abused drugs and alcohol.
By that math I’d say I was given a lot of forgiveness I had not earned. I forced my will on everyone and created chaos in my wake for 22 years and it ONLY took my parents 18 months to allow me back. I got pretty damn lucky to have such cool parents.
I’ve learned this in my sobriety, that no one who was around for my addiction “owes” me a goddamn thing. It’s only by their grace that they allowed me back into their lives.
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So glad you got that opportunity. I know that addiction destroys the person and family, but I also think that as the addict recovers, so does the family. Recovery is progressive.
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When I first started AA I didn’t take what I needed and leave the rest. I took everything offered and left nothing. It was hard for me to take what I need when I didn’t have any idea what I needed. The only thing I “needed” was sobriety and I can be damn sure I took that.
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And then there’s “poopie diaper syndrome”: You cry about how much it sucks to sit in your own stinky crap, but when people offer to help you change it, you say " but it’s squishy and warm, and it’s MINE! I’m not changing it!"
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Personally i think tough love is the absolute pits, my mother has tried it with me all my life and has proved nothing but damaging to me, im a compassionate person, caring, soft hearted and all shes ever told me us how ‘soft’ iam, if i show my feelings i need to ‘toughen up’ or im stupid or both, im now a grown woman who can take responsibility of herself and know that compassion and showing feelings mean none of that but when i was a kid it made me doubt myself, made me feel bad and knocked my confidence…i will never do that to my daughter…tough love can go do one
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I don’t think what your mother did qualifies as tough love the way I or other participants of this thread see it. It just sounds cruel, heartless and like shitty parenting. I’m sorry this was how you grew up. I heard all these things all the time as well. You are right. That fucks you up and does damage to a child.
I think tough love here refers more to the principle of not letting someone drink their own kool aid. To not enable them by smoothing over harder to hear truths or factors an addict will shy away from but will eventually benefit them to get a grasp on. Examples are that we are responsible for our actions. Or that sometimes we have to put ourselves first before someone we’d rather humor and not piss off. Or that not all aspects of attaining a desired goal (like sobriety) are pleasant to experience. It’s not about making ppl feel stupid or like they can’t achieve what they want. It’s more about facing necessary but uncomfortable ideas and things.
All the best to you!
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People view the idea of tough love in different ways and what i just described is my view of it as that what i see it as and my experience of it hence adding my two penneth, i understand others view it differently and thats fine and dandy, the phrase itself gets my heckles up but im genuinely happy for everyone that has been helped by their individual perception of tough love, whatever works right?
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So legitimate question? If you know you don’t like tough love why would you want to read the thread? Or did you not read it and just decided to judge it?
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Probably something similar to how threads titled anything like “12 steps not for me” gets blown up by the aa crew
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But it’s so much easier and nicer to shitpost online
Joking aside sometimes I do find doing a bit of that helpful, while I wait for things to settle. If I’m always in action mode I can end up acting on some pretty wonky feelings.
I know this though because I have at least tried to do a bit of the hard stuff. Always more to be done though!
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I was adding how i felt about tough love, i wasnt aware that only people who agree with tough love methods were allowed to speak on here, at the beginning of my original post i did say ‘personally’ ie my opinion only and i also said i was genuinely happy for people who found that method works for them, i judged knowone
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Just curious that’s all. Maybe give it a read.
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Growing up, my neighbor abused his kid under the guise of “tough love”. I often wonder how the kid turned out.
Tough love, by definition, is simly allowing someone to be responsible for their actions. Anything else is something else.
I’m a softy too, but i think tough love has its place, when appropriate.
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I can really relate to this. I totally feel like where one persons “tough love” could be named “emotional abuse”, anothers could be named “speaking from experience”. I used to get defensive when “tough love” was offered because typically it had been offered from people who knew nothing about what I was going through or people who were completely fucked up themselves. As I have grown in recovery I understand where the love and concern from another addict comes from, its just straight up. I mean as we both know, we arent messing around here this disease kills people, lots of people. There is a way to deliver tough love without being a twat, tough love doesnt have to be hurtful.
I really like this thread, there is alot of great stuff on it.
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I thought this was a place we could speak freely, i offered an opinion and have been accused of being judgey and implied that i dont read things properly simply because i gave my own personal opinion on tough love, wether its tough love or emotional abuse i lived it and felt it, im upset and offended and wish i hadnt said a word on here
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Much like you, I am speaking freely. So don’t get upset about that
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