Me, too. But I didnt know how to describe it.
@SoberWalker … I don’t visit as often as i used to. At 3 years, 2 months it isn’t because I’m complacent. Just the desperate lifeline has been loosened a bit. But, oh boy, something made me come here today and read your post and the replies. I was here for a reason today. This post means so much to me. Resonates deeply. So well stated. Thank you!
I wish it came naturally to me lol but it doesnt. Its something i have to work on daily. Sort of like how we work on our recovery daily, i do the same with my spirituality. Just like any relationship, the relationship btwn me and my HP takes work, time and attention 
When i do my morning recovery routine, one of the things i incorporate is prayer. I ask my HP to guide me in every thought and action and that I be of use to someone else today. I give thanks for all my HP has done and ask for help in getting out of self. I talk to my HP as if they were a friend sitting across from me. Then throughout the day at various times ill just stop and take a second to remind myself of my HP and ask what the next right step is for me to take. Basically its just being conscious of my HP and doing the next right thing. Thinking and behaving in the way my HP would want me to think and behave. Some days i feel more spirituality connected than others and sometimes it takes alot of effort for me to pray, but i always try to keep that connection open.
Now when i dont do these things on a daily basis, i feel it. And one of the ways that I feel it is searching for ways to fill that void. But i when i do connect and i really “feel” connected, i get a sense of wholeness. I get to a place where i have full trust in my HP, I have no fears or worries… just peace and calmness in my life. Im not in a rush and i treat people with kindness and compassion.
Im not sure if i explained this so it makes sense. No one has really asked me about it before so i wasnt sure how to word it lol.
Oh I so very much resonate so much with that feeling of a huge gaping black hole. I spent almost 40 years with it, sucking me in.
I personally feel that hole was missing my spiritual connection. I tried to fill it with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, other people, approval, being valuable or useful, hobbies, my kid, etc etc etc ad nauseum. Nothing ever truly worked. Sure, some things felt better than others, but it was still underlying in there even when there was also good in my life. At the end of the day, I think I always felt so alone, generally depressed, completely inadequate & unworthy of love.
As I hit my bottom and began to discover my spiritual connection, that vast blackness began to truly close for me. I’m part of an infinite whole and that connection for me changed everything. I invite my HP into my life daily and into everything I do. Feeling that connection to the universe changed me.
Even when I feel “alone”, I can look around and see that I’m truly never alone anymore. I may not “see” my HP but I can see life all around me now from the trees, squirrels, birds, even the mosquitos-I am connected to them all.
We are all here for a reason, and we are loved beyond belief by that divine energy that is also part of us. Inviting that energy consciously into my life has filled that black hole with a love that and a sense of trust I could never have fathomed before.
I honestly used to think that people who believed in a HP just needed something to hold onto and believe in. I was SO wrong and had to eat my words on that one and admit I was COMPLETELY wrong. Discovering that connection for myself has changed absolutely everything for me.
This is just my own experience. My recovery really has allowed this connection to flourish and that’s what I am most grateful for today. 
Again, thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. Food for thoughts.
Half a year ore so ago I started to work with a coach to work on my perfectionism. It gave me some hand and feet to start. It’s work in progress and I think it will always be a part of me but I hope I grow into a softer person for myself then I am today. But I also am trying to learn how to love myself instead of continuous want to change myself because I do not think I’m good enough.
Do you all see the contradiction?
Started with this book yesterday:
Only Jesus can fill that void! He will give you a high on life because he designed you and knows what makes you tick. If you need help I can help you meet him
Glad you posted this Claudia. I totally relate the empty hole and the need to constantly fill it. I used to drink and even then it wasn’t enough. I literally had to be doing something productive if i was awake and i hardly slept.
I am not sure what the best answer is but for me it helped finding my connection with my HP through meditation. I know not everyone is religious but i think meditation can also help you connect with your surrounding and with yourself as it helps ground us.
I am glad that you are giving meditation a shot - i do hope that it helps you 
Pls dont confuse a black hole with depression. God did NOT create AA to hurt us. Many of us need outside help…and it works.
“Being grounded as a person means having a balanced and sensible outlook on life. Grounded people are typically present-focused, self-aware, emotionally stable, and well-connected to their environment. They usually exhibit clarity of thought, emotional resilience, and a sense of inner peace.”
But the one above didn’t chime in with me competely so I looked further in the internet and found this one:
“The simplest definition that feels good to me is that to be grounded is to be deeply, fully present. Someone who is grounded is truly here in this moment. They are not preoccupied, distant, split off from themselves and what is here right now due to fear, insecurity, or whatever mental or emotional chatter might carry them away from the present.”
And that one is it for me!
Going to chew on that one a little more 
Have a good day ore night all TS friends.
Thank you for listening
I do love that definition of being grounded. To me I would also add…Being connected with yourself and your thoughts and not floating onto the next moment or action.
Glad you are here able to process this with us and will have your friend to talk to as well. 
Wonderful definitions of being grounded. Being present and in the moment. I know for myself it has been important to remember it isn’t necessarily a sustained state, but something that comes and goes…ebbs and flows. I am good with that. Especially in knowing it will return if I nurture myself (thru what nurtures ‘me’…meditation, nature, physical movement, etc).
I hope you have a nice holiday. FWIW, my husband is an engineer and thinks very differently than me as well. 
Having additional support outside of the home is a glorious thing.
Thank you 
Mine is software engineer 
Sometimes when we talk I feel like an alien, good to have friends and a place like this to go to.
Electrical engineer here!! We definitely approach life and situations differently.
Have you been reading any literature regarding this? “The Myth of Normal” focuses a lot on addiction, or “Daring Greatly” might be a few books to help you understand the not enough portion of your life. Its a very common feeling, not just in addicts.
Good luck!
Thank you for the book tips! Found them in Dutch too so I will dive into it! Maybe my library has them, I will check it out. Thank you!
This is a great thread that was started - because clearly, you’re not alone - SO many of us feel or have felt the exact same way…I felt a had a ‘hole’ I was trying to fill for years, years. Depression I think tied into that somehow, maybe because I couldn’t fill that hole? I would call alcohol the ‘dimmer switch’ because it didn’t really fill the hole but made me forget it about it, or maybe not care.
I’m 1.5yrs sober now - just getting sober didn’t automatically make it better - I think maybe that is a myth, or maybe a hope - but I have to say I don’t have that hole anymore, I really really don’t. Someone said Higher Power, and yes we all heard that in AA…for me though, my HP is God. Don’t automatically stop reading - just hear me out.
I always believed in God but I never knew Him…probably 4yrs before I officially stopped drinking - events in my life were spiraling downhill massively…I guess out of desperation I reached out to an old friend that I knew was religious. Sure, I read the Bible to see if that would make a difference - to be honest, you can’t just read the Bible (I know that now); You have to study it and not by yourself. It’s full of metaphors, deeper meaning, a single sentence that you can talk about for an hour…the net-net, I started going to a Bible Study group - I went from believing in God to knowing Him.
It doesn’t mean my life is perfect - 6mos before going into Rehab my mom unexpectedly died…my dad had Alzheimers and we had to put him into a home (we had hoped to find them a joint home…but those plans were now gone)…I went into Rehab, came out feeling great and was laid off.
Shit happens. Life happens…it’s not always as dramatic (I hope anyway) as that year I will never forget - good things happen too!
But think of this - Control.
Someone nailed it, we are all I believe, struggling with control - of our lives, of things around us etc. If you really know God, you know that He is in control of your life. He has a plan for every single one of us - stuff doesn’t go your way one day, He’s in control, stuff mysteriously goes your way another way, again a part of His plan.
Letting go and knowing that God has a plan for you - brings - Comfort.
I don’t have that hole, because I know He is really in control of my life - I mean, isn’t that the beginning of the Serenity prayer we were told to memorize?? …just seemed like words - but its true. God is in control of your life - just learn to accept it and you will feel comforted. They call Him the Good Shepherd, never abandons a sheep…calls them by their name. He knows you - you just don’t know Him.
Sorry to preach - if you made it this far, I’m happy, if you want to flame me, doesn’t bother me. I would say, find a Bible Study group there are tons, search for BSF, they are all over the world - and just read and listen to others. Ask questions , be skeptical.
We all inherently have this hole we’re trying to fill, and the modern world hits us with so many distractions of how to fill it we end up getting stuck and frustrated. I know now it was right there all along - God. I just needed to get to know Him.
I believe that the Bible is one of many many modalities to connect us together and to the Infinite Divine. Thank you for your conversion story, it resonated with me.
Wow, Dana…that is an amazing explanation. A great way to start your day. You are describing a way of being present. In being present you remind yourself to reach out to your HP. And I bet it does take practice. And patience. Thank you so much for sharing that.
I’ve read it all and I do understand what you are trying to say to me.
Like I said somewhere in one of my earlier replies above. I envy people who believe because I understand the comfort a religion ore higher power can give. But you have to believe and I do not. So I can not “surrender” to such. As a student I tested the waters in a few religion related groups. But it wasn’t it for me. My parents believed in God and I guess I did so too untill I was 9 years old ore so. Then my believe faded because I think life and being pragmatic took over.
I’m still a pragmatic woman, I need facts.
I do not feel God ore a presence whatsoever. If I have to name a HP that would be nature.
When in nature I feel my love and respect for life in all aspects. It’s greater then me.
Love this share . I too find such solace and strength in nature…in science…in energy. All that we are. 
I sympathise. The “emptiness” seems to be always there. I also fill it with distractions.
