Anyone else seem to go a few days and then break? Is this normal in the beginning of recovery?
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Before I shifted my mindset and truly surrendered myself to recovery, absolutely. Years and years lost to drinking and then heroin and meth. I could not change without changing.
170 days ago I checked my ass into a 28 day inpatient treatment center and fully surrendered to my addiction. Since graduating on April 12 I have put as much into my recovery as I did my addiction. I revamped my life. What I was doing was not working so I threw it all out. I have been creating a life that is worth living and is worth loving.
I am in a clean and sober house, I am now in IOP. I attend and have a service position in my homegroup. I get to do the birthdays and in NA we give ya a key tag commemorating your clean time, and a fat hug. That’s my job. I love it.
I work the steps with my sponsor, I check in here every morning in the gratitude thread. I am I love with life again and have PURPOSE.
You can do this. We can help!
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Im being forced to quit drinking, i dont see it to be the oroblem they are making out. I do know the only way ill stay clean is if they fund inpatient rehab.
Its such a complex situation.
I just feel suicidal and im scared ill follow through
Who is the they youre talking about? I remember this EXACT same feeling from my parents. I thought they just didn’t like me drinking AT ALL because they are Mormon. Denial is such a motherfucker. To this day I have difficulty identifying in myself.
The one thing that concerns me about your post is you identify self harm as a problem too. This coupled with others thinking you have a problem with your drinking makes me think youve hurting (obviously) in uncontrollable (to you, right now) ways.
Please watch Dr Gabor Mate on you tube. It’s listed as “The best explanation on addiction I’ve ever heard”. It’s powerful and accurate. We turn to substanced and self harm as a coping mechanism. When we hurt so much we don’t know what to do with it. You’re hurting, a lot. Alcohol may not seem like a problem to you, but you’re reaching for it becayse of all of this unresolved pain that you don’t know how to handle.
Please tell someone what you just told us about feeling like you’re going to hurt yourself. This is just not a way to live there is so much hope and so much to live for on the other side of this. It’s scary I remember that feeling when I walked to the door of inpatient. I remember vividly. My counselor told me just a couple weeks ago that I looked like a caged animal the first 3 days. You’re here with a bunch of people who have been there and are now on the other side and we’re pulling for you.
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I have CPTSD, bi polar and anxiety.
Its court and social services.
I am hurting. So much. Im being told from everywhere im not good enough. I dont really have support either. They wont give me therspy till im 3 months clean. But i need the therapy first to have the tools to stay clean.
Im just so lost.
State insurance paid for my inpatient. In the interim, I get so much out of NA and AA groups. Many, many, people have gotten help in those rooms. Those people understand that the behavior of reaching for addictive behaviors are a result of inner turmoil. They can and will show you how it’s done. The addictive behaviors make sure to keep us feeling less than and not enough. That’s what they do! Don’t listen to them one more day! Go online and find a meeting, call the local office and have them direct you to a meeting.
There are zoom meetings on here, too. I just saw a thread about them. You. Can. Do. This!
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I barely leave the house. Im in the UK, so we dont hsve insurance, care is pretty much luck of the draw.
Right now we’re trying to find the right mix of medication, to make me stable.
Im really unsure of AA, i dont feel i fit in. It hasnt caused huge problems, id feel like a fraud. My anxiety, and psychotic disorder find it so hard to speak face to face. My mind isnt always my own.
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or try a meetings might help aswell
That sounds like a terrifying and exhausting situation to be in. Maybe the amount you consume wouldn’t be considered a problem but unfortunately any amount when combined with BPD can be dangerous, and with CPTSD, anxiety and self harm thoughts, it’s certainly going to be a problem, that will exacerbate it all. It sounds like you’re not receiving the type of support you need. 3 months of sobriety before therapy is unrealistic. If you haven’t shared this full story with your doctor, I’d encourage it. I’d hope they’d treat the situation differently with all of that info.
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You can do online meetings, there’s lots of them, www.virtual-na.org, www.InTheRooms.com, and these ones: Online meeting resources.
Meetings are great - they really helped me find my footing.