So im just having a lot of feelings and i hate that i still feel this way about someone who was so awful to me. Quick tw for mentions of the aforementioned child abuse
I was hurt by a lot of people when i was a kid. My parents werent around and the other adults in my life were awful. There was exactly one person i felt safe with; Jessica. Ive mentioned her lots on here. I met her when she was 24 and i was 3. She did sexually abuse me but she never beat me and she wasnt scary or mean like everyone else i knew. She was around until i was 5 and a half, some shit went down, my family moved and i didnt see her until i was 13. By then she was 35, we kinda just picked up where we left off. She gave me booze and drugs, we went on a bender together for a week in July that year and thats when she passed. Thats the background of her and i.
Sometimes i leave out the ages and i act like we had a healthy relationship. Sometimes i bring it up but i dont like doing that cause people get weirded out by it. Thats the worst part, it felt right. I genuinely believed that she loved me, that we had something special. Logically i shouldnt and i wish i didnt but i do. When she passed i felt like i lost a parent, a friend, a mentor, a lover, and an abuser all at once. Im 21 now, sober over a year from everything, in therapy with a trauma specialist, but dammit right now i just feel like that scared kid again. I just want her to hold me and love me and tell me its all gonna be ok. That shes there for me and wont leave, that shes proud of who im becoming, that she still loves me. I still pray shell come back someday even though I know shes gone. Its the most complicated relationship ive ever had in my life and holy shit i wish i didnt feel this way. Idk what to do im kinda just crying in bed rn. But hey im feeling my feelings and accepting them. Im nit running away or avoiding it with substances anymore so thats progress. And i havent self harmed in 2 weeks. Im getting better but its still so hard
Yes, I remember reading about Jessica before. It’s such a difficult kind of relationship you had with her. I think she was the best you had, but overall she was bad. But if everything around you is worse then her, she becomes good. And for a small fulnerable child you cling on the best you can find. And besides all bad persons are having good sides as well, there is no black and white in this. I understand your mixed feelings and that you miss her. Can you talk to the trauma specialist about her? Have you take the time to mourn and say goodby to her. Maybe write a letter to her and thank her for the good she did but also write down the bad stuff and burn the letter afterwards?
Just thinking…
It’s good to vent Amanda, I hope it helps a bit.
I did a letter writing thing with my therapist, and ive told my therapist a lot of the story of me and Jess. The letter was very “i miss you and i love you” it felt mean to add the stuff about her hurting me. I worried that if i hate her now, did i hate her then, and is that why i didnt save her when she od’ed? Which isnt true but yknow. I blamed myself for that for a long time. Maybe i should write a letter about All the parts of the relationship, good and bad
Nice discussion here with @SoberWalker … I feel a lot of what she has written… and you, too.
It’s important that you continue to talk about it.
Hopefully that will be helpful to you as time goes by.
It’s a sad, tragic story. It was your real life and her real life. You were a child … at 3 … and at 13. So many dynamics here. Of course you are going to have so many different feelings for and about her.
Congratulations to you for your sobriety. For going to the trauma specialist. I’m proud of you for getting away from substances that were hurting you and getting psychological help to deal with all that’s happened and continue going forward in a healthy way.
What happened will always be with you.
Hopefully with the therapy and your own working through it you’ll be able to live with it easier …
like you said you’re feeling your feelings and not running away with substances …
