I must vent here! I just have toā¦ I was doing so good! Had 6 months under my belt and I was so proud! Last night I gave in and I went on a terrible,
awful binge!! Iāve been going through a really rough time. I am a very giving person. I have been helping out my 70 year old neighbor for about 7 years now and last month he went crazy on me. Said he has been in love with me and wanted to kill my husband and wants me to be with me! Terrible stuff. I had to get a restraining order against him. He doesnāt respect it and last week he tried to break into my house to burn it down. The cops are not taking it seriously and just did a report. I need to face him in court on the 13th to get a finalized restraining order on him.
Anywaysā¦ my husband blames me for ābeing too niceā and always helping out the wrong people. When is being too nice a bad thing in the world? Well after bottling all this frustration inside I went to a liquor store yesterday and bought 2 large whiskey bottles. I sat in the car for about 30 min contemplating if I should return them. Well
I didnāt. I got home and hid the bottles in the garage. I cracked one open and the rest his history. I drank them both and went back inside my house. Well I was going in and out. My husband saw my state deteriorating right before his eyes and immediately knew I was drunk but didnāt understand how I got this way so quickly. I became violent and rude and told my husband awful things like our ten year marriage was a waste and how unhappy I was which isnāt even true. I woke up this morning and saw that there was a tiny bit left in the bottles and drank that too. This stalker doesnāt stop harrasing me and it all became too much. I hate to sound like Iām using that as an excuse but I just couldnāt keep it together anymore. Iām so overwhelmed, sad and disappointed. I thought the drinking would help me forget my problems if just for a day but it just made things worse. As we all know! My husband woke up this morning and said he wanted a divorce. He said heās tired of me and my unpredictable ways. I stopped going to meetings because I thought āI got thisā but I donāt. Itās a disease that I need to fight for the rest of my life. I need to come to terms with this and the work is never done.
I believe it was @Eke who expressed it sort of this way - āI got this. I got a progressive, fatal disease.ā Yours is a cautionary tale - sobriety is not attained, it is lived. Day by day by day. As progressive as addiction is, so is sobriety, I have seen it. But the crucial difference between the types of progress is that sobriety progresses through work and care and constant contact with other addicts in recovery, while addiction progresses through inaction, apathy, prideful denial, isolation, and contact with people still using.
For many years, I could put together little strings of dry days, sometimes months but usually just days or weeks. I was not done drinking, and always had a conscious and subconscious drive to return to drinking like I wanted to once the current crisis had cooled off. And then one day I was done, and I knew where to go to get help to maintain that condition. Throw everything you have into your sobriety and let nothing stand in your way. Do not declare that you can only get sober if X or Y happens, or you cannot get sober without some external condition. Work so as to guarantee going to bed sober tonight, and then do the same thing tomorrow. Becoming sober was the focus of my life for a while. Being sober is the foundation of my life today, and I practice it every day.
Thank you. I really do try to do everything good in life so I really canāt understand why these things are happening to me. I see what is going on in my life and I canāt believe itās my life. It sounds like a movie or a horrific nightmare I canāt wake up from. I donāt want to sound negative. I know I can do this. I have no choice. It can only get better from here.
I always think the work is done. Itās ongoing. I need to know that there are countless of tools out there and many people that are rooting for me (you guys are so important in my life and I am so extremely thankful for this app)!
Itās possible, there are many people in recovery. My father is one of them. Been clean and sober 3 years, my uncle passed away from alcoholism last year, and almost all my uncles and cousins are alcoholics so alcoholism runs very deep in my bloodline. I recognize this and know that I might need to consciously put in the work. I donāt want to be an alcoholic. I hate causing pain in those I love.
One day at a time.
By the way, Iām writing this sitting in a meeting that is about to start in 3 minutes so itās time to jump back on the horse! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.
Update: I told my husband I went to a meeting. He was very happy about this and is really rooting for me. He said just one more chance. Heās said this countless times before and I continue to let him down. There was something different about this last chance he is giving me. There were tears in his eyes, Iāve broken him, heās desperate. I believe in my soul he will not let another one of my slip ups slide any longer. He is 42 and I am 38. I can tell he is really done this time if I mess up again.
I have to do this for me ultimately, but knowing I can lose my best friend is an added motivation to keep strong!
Itās a bad thing when it puts your life and the lives of your family in jeopardy. I can see your husbandās point, being a husband myself. You said the guy wants to kill your husband and be with you?
Now I am sure your intentions were pure. Even Jesus told his disciples to be āgentle as doves, but wise as serpentsā.
I hope the restraining order is sufficient to keep this guy away, and am praying for the safety of you and your family.
Thank you for your reply. You are right. I didnāt think he was that evil but there were a few red flags I saw along our friendship and I chose to ignore because I just didnāt want to believe someone can be bad. I must come to terms that there are some really really bad people in this world and no matter how nice I am or how much I think I can change someone, I canāt. This is teaching me a huge lesson in life but I will not let it change me, I just have to be more cautious.
Iām relieved to hear you went to a meeting and your husband is willing to give you another chance. Stay the course. Sounds like you know what to do to stay sober; you just have to actually do the work. And recognizing the work is ongoing and may never end is a good start.
