I’m new to this app and just gonna throw my experience out there…
I stopped drinking last November and totally embraced all the right things for recovery - Lifering meetings. therapy, new hobbies and lifestyle choices, etc. I felt totally solid with sobriety and admittedly got a bit lazy about doing meetings. I was 8 months uninterrupted sober and stupidly convinced myself I had “beat this thing.” When work travel brought social events I made the mistake of trying to have “just one drink.”
Down the rabbit hole I went and, after struggling to taper back off, wound up back where I was last year. Detoxed again and am 28 days sober again. I feel great again but find it very scary that I made that mistake and didn’t call anyone. I guess I didn’t know anyone in recovery I knew well enough to reach out to.
Anyone else have this experience that has any any suggestions?
It’s hard to accept that you ha e to remind yourself no matter what your a recovering addict…
Dailiy I have to say it to myself for that accountability so I don’t let Gremlin slip by and remind of something I’m meant to miss…
Because I really don’t miss the stress it caused it my life… I don’t miss the lack of tolerance I had and I don’t miss the person I became…
Oh try and be kind to yourself… Sometimes we beat ourselves down instead of giving ourselves the Kudos it takes to just not pick up… Its not as simple when for years it has been your best friend… Your source of relief and you comforting friend.
Thanks for the kind words Danni. I’m trying to be kind to myself but being a stubborn dumb dumb that is always insisting on succeeding at everything I tackle, I was fooling myself. Succeeding at making the problem go away wasn’t realistic. Success is coming to grips with fact it’s going to be a lifelong struggle. Bummer, dude!
20 years of abusing any drugs I could get my hand on because I was just managaing life…
I needed x drugs to have this false confidence… I’d smoke y to relax for the stresses of the day…
You’d have thought being homeless would of taught me that I’m an addict and I can’t do it alone… Naaahh stubborn me got out of that hole and carried on… Thinking I could moderate, thinking I was better than an addict who’d walked the same path as me…
Honestly you barter, lie, cheat do things you as a sane person would never think of doing because it’s easier to deny, it’s easier to turn you head and not believe you have a substance problem.
I remember when I finally admitted I’m an addict, I remember reaching out to this community and writing how the fuck am i meant to try and stay clean when I hate myself…
Some of us go through the cycle once and get it and their are others that takes trips and events to teach us once again substance isn’t the key but we still have to do it l, try and see if we can be different with the substance x
Great for you for looking it all square in the face and dealing with it! It took me years to come to the same conclusion- it’s amazing (looking back) that I didn’t wind up with a DUI or losing my job. I was so clear early this year about recovery demands - it’s frightening how your mind can fuck with you and turn clarity inside out.
The foundation to my recovery is laid out in Step 1 of AA. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable”. That statement has helped keep me sober 133 days. If I don’t truly believe that statement and live it everyday, then I’m bound for a relapse.
There’s something beautiful about final surrendering. When you no longer have to plot a next bender, figure out how you’re going to hide bottles, what lies you need to tell to cover up your drinking, worrying about getting a DUI, continuing to drink heavily because I was terrified to start detoxing, etc. I could increase the list so much. These were all things I had to worry about when in my active alcoholism. I no longer have to waste mental energy on all that crap if I never pick up that first drink again.
I think when we truly surrender, and no longer try to fight or think we have this thing beat is when recovery can finally start to take hold. Wish you the best!
It’s easy to think you’ve “beaten” addiction until you realize that the war is never truly over and if you lower your defenses addiction will beat you.
Your experience is one that many have had. I know I’ve had my share. Oh I can just do this thing once, or I’m actually really fine now. All of it was mental gymnastics because each time there was never a “this once”, but instead it was another few months of hell then getting clean again, rinse and repeat.
I would suggest continuing to do the things you were doing before and see if you can make friends of anyone offline. Stick around on this community, or try out some others to see if you like them more, and engage. Use the Daily Check In thread if you think it would be useful, but jump into some of the other threads that look interesting and engage with people as well.
When/if you reach a time where you do need to reach out for help, you will have built a network of people you’ve already grown comfortable with.
If you’re like me and you have a hard time reaching out for help / people don’t understand when you are actually reaching out for help, then try to figure out a way to get something that you need to keep going. Maybe that’s a conversation to lighten your mood, or an internet distraction, etc.
Best of luck and I hope you are able to find what you need.
Here’s a personal story that I think relates, and that I hope helps.
My father and I have talked at length about this thing we both have that stops us from doing something half way. We either go all in or give nothing at all. I think what we describe about ourselves is actually just the brutal reality of generational addiction. I’m 27 and I started drinking at 11. My father is pushing 60 and will still clear a case of wine all on his own. I quit drinking in January of 2020 after living with him for the first time in my life. Partly because I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. Partly because of that conversation I had with my him. I realized he had never chosen the “all” when it came to quitting/living a sober life. Somehow he had bent and twisted his own rationality for years, probably similarly saying he beat this or he wasnt going to let it get THAT bad, and he continued to self medicate, functionally. I did that throughout my early twenties and by 25 it began to physically effect me and I couldn’t sleep due to nerve pain. I realized that that voice in my head, the one telling me I’m in the clear, that I can relax and grab a drink or two, that I should lighten up and enjoy myself, that voice is the closest thing to the devil that I’ll ever know. (And I am not a religious man.) It’s a lie that tempts me to throw away the “all” for “nothing.” I have quit other, more frightening things, and Id be lying if I said relapse was not a terrifying thought BECAUSE of how close it always is. However, recovery is not a straight line; it’s about how many times you get up and say you’ll fight for the all vs how many times you willingly accept nothing. Everytime it gets hard to manage the cravings I remind myself that no substances has anything to give me, my life, or the people I love, they will only take until there is nothing left, and that is an unshakable truth.
Stay strong, success cannot exist without failure. Be proud of all you’ve accomplished, 8 months is nothing to sneeze at. You can do this.
Thank you for the honesty in your post and thanks to everyone else for their contributions. It was exactly what this alcoholic needed to see today.
This is my first post here and all I can say is WOW! SO much stuff Ive been needed to hear from other people.
I relapsed back in June after nearly 20 months sober and I did again last night. The reasons why are not surprising, but I need to say them publicly for my own benefit: not working my program, not going to meetings, not really staying in touch with my higher power, and not being honest with myself to name a few.
All those nots add up to not being sober, not living life on life’s terms, not feeling happy, joyous, and free.
My decision to day is stop “not”-ing and start doing…I know how sobriety feels and I know it’s not perfect, but it’s so much better than my life before. Baby steps… Accepting my condition, talking with other alcoholics and getting out of my own damn head.
It starts today. Because if it doesnt, it all ends.
