My fiance and I talked. I expressed how we are both hurting each other. I don’t want us to hurt anymore. I laid my boundaries. He understood but kept saying he didn’t mind (this and that) because I am in a wheelchair he would help me.
I don’t want him to because it doesn’t feel safe when he uses it as a method of shame - see I did…etc.
I know he isn’t ready to get sober. That is fine - I don’t want drinking in my home anymore. I had him remove all his alcohol from my place. I told him Friday nights I will be unavailable as I don’t want to be around the drinking. I will be going out with my daughters (healthy environment & healing relationships).
I told him now that I have had 2-3 days to calm down and be centered. I do love him but this isn’t working. It’s creating pain. Triggers.
I offered counseling. I just offered and encouraged to keep an open mind. He got upset because his partner of 14 years forced him. I said I can’t force you - he said I am fine and we can work on things ourselves. I gently told him we have tried. 6 years. It’s not working. We need help.
So he agreed to ‘couple counseling.’ For me I am unsure because in my mind I think he should go to counseling on his own. I feel he is only doing it for me? Maybe it’s insecurity talking?
He isn’t a bad man. He just is very harsh, his methods, dysfunction along with addiction is difficult. I do love him and the last few days being away from him feels healthier. I feel stronger, more able to articulate my words and calmer.
I am sorry I ranted
I was pretty intensely in a flight response.
Any insights? Advice? Suggestions? Perhaps experiences?
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Thank you! Yes I have been going myself and I very much see how productive and life altering it is for me. Again I enjoy the work (sometimes) LOL!
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Half of winning is showing up. Agreeing to go to couples counseling is a positive step. Be encouraged, but don’t hang all of your hopes on this slender hook.
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Thank you. I can do that.
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Yes control. Very truthful. Thank you I am proud and it feels comfortable in my body
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I think it’s great he agreed to go with you as a couple!! He is not ready to work on himself as a individual and that can’t be forced or it will never be done for the right reasons… maybe once he goes to couple counseling and sees what it’s like and the benefits from it he will be encouraged to seek individual counseling but that has to be when he is ready… he is a addict himself and as a addict we all know until we are ready to go for ourselves that is the only way he will get the proper help he needs. From what your saying he’s not ready to give up the drinking and that’s his choice but he is also not ready to give up on the relationship and he is showing that by offering to go to counseling… baby steps is all you can do… and from the sounds of it your heading in the right direction In all aspects of your life… keep up the great work!!!
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@Butafly1979 those are all wonderful insights & observations.
So another question. I am already in counseling for myself and doing trauma counseling with my daughter. Will adding another counseling session burn me out?
Your welcome!!! I go to our patient 4 days a week and now I’m adding pt/home care 5times a week… yes is it a lot, yes will it burn me out… but YES I AM DOING ALL I NEED TO DO TO GET ME SOBER AND HEALTHY. so for you… you have to ask yourself the question on what you want for your sobriety? In my opinion anything that it unhealthy during your sobriety needs to be removed… so if there’s away to get your relationship back to being healthy and that means adding another day of counseling then my answer to you is YES GO!!
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Okay should I use the same counselor for trauma for my girls? Or should I find a different one? My personal counselor doesn’t do family counseling.
I would stay with the same if you have already opened up to that counselor it maybe easier for you
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I don’t want to feel unsafe I guess because she sees my girls with me too? I am afraid 
I have 1 counselor, but go to 2 celebrate recovery meetings, and 2 step study meetings. I find that I need a balance of different venues. Counselor is good for me to just vent, and often times, not very organized or directed. And a lot of times, the advice I get may not even be relevant or helpful. However, when I go to step study, then I have a workbook with specific questions that have been tested and formulated to help, and allows me to dig deep within myself of my hurts, habits, and hangups.
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Speak with her first and get her opinion on if she thinks it’s a good idea to bring him in… if not then get her recommendation on who to see, always better to ask a professional
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@Upperoom first off welcome. Thank you for posting and giving your positive and valuable advice, experience and compassion. I hope I hear more from you
Love this… that’s great that you find the balance and can separate what your specific needs are for your recovery!!
Okay I will email tomorrow. Again thank you! That feels comfortable! You are so open and wow helpful
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Awe thank you!! And remember you are stronger then what you give yourself credit for!!! Best of luck!
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Thank you for welcoming me with positive and kind words. I am struggling with codependency, and kind words are like fresh water in my desert of hurts.
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Thank you so are you! Especially with all this wisdom coming forth
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Anytime… that’s what I am and this group is here for… your never alone with your struggles… feel free to reach out to me here or privately anytime!
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