I wrote this angry vent a few days ago on the advice of my partner…
I am so angry with you, I guess anger is a secondary emotion so maybe it’s because I’m just so hurt by you for the past, how you treat me, how you as my mother allowed me to be treat by my stepdad, how you continue to hurt me…everything you say to me has a derogatory tone to it…too much to be a joke it’s no wonder I have to cling to the tiniest amount of confidence I have to keep it when I have parents like you. I don’t want you around me…all you do is cause me pain over and over again…just as the wound heals you begin to pick it open again…I don’t want this in my life anymore…you pretend you care but then your actions tell a different story but apparently I’m the only person with an issue, toxic is what you are and always have been and hopefully once my daughter is old enough I can move away from your toxicity so it doesn’t mar my life any longer.
I do love my mother because she is my mother but i really dont like her so im asking for advice from anyone who feels similarly xx
Gosh, I’m so sorry for your struggle here. I have had struggles with my mother and stepfather in the past and they’re painful. Perhaps not to the extent you portray below, but painful nonetheless. We do still have a relationship but it is strained at times and both sides have to work hard.
My wondering is what you’re trying to achieve with this? Your tone is final. You’re not asking for specific changes, nor are you giving your mother any opportunity to improve. Perhaps you feel you’ve done that all before!
If you send this, it could well be the end of your relationship, which is fine if that’s what you want but I’m confused as to whether you do? Your point about being able to move away someday which isn’t now leaves the door open
You describe your mother as “toxic and always have been”. There is a HUGE difference in describing someones actions as toxic and describing someONE as toxic. Actions can be changed, someONE cannot.
My advice would be to think carefully about what you want. If it’s a clean break from your mother then fair enough.
Thank you James, i wont be sending the vent it really is just that, a vent for me to try and get out of my head how i feel…it would crush her if i sent it, i cant do that to her, angry as i am. Throughout my life my mother has put herself and her partner my stepdad first…my stepdad emotionally abused me…i was always made to feel sidelined…in the way…ignored…put down and my mother still chose to stay with him knowing full well how unhappy i was…the whole thing contiued into my adult life…nothing i do is ever seen as good enough when im actually a very capable woman who has done an amazing job with her own daughter because i set about to do exactly what she did not do…if she taught me anything it was how not to be as a parent but still she continues with her put downs and it drives me crazy. I lost it for a while when i was drinking but boy have i put that right…yet im still seen as the messed up one…the one that doesnt deserve nice things yet out of all i can see is some wierd sense of duty she still tries to be part of my life…she wants to keep visiting me to have little cosy chats where i have to pretend all is ok when all i want is to be left alone by her.
I have tried many times to tell her how i feel and she just gets defensive, flies off the handle and gaslights me…its all in my head you see…then she goes away for a few days and then the whole thing starts up again with the visits asthough nothing is wrong…ive set more boundaries lately like asking her not to judt turn up at my home unannounced which shes doing but she still texts and asks to come around alot more than id like…its like i cant find any resolution because she wont face things head on or leave me alone…
I understand totally. Yet I’d also say it’s time to choose for yourself once and for all.
That right there. However painful realizing that is, you can’t expect anything helpful from your mother. So you have to do it yourself. Set up boundaries and stick to them. That sucks but it is what it is.
Me myself I never expected motherlike stuff from my mother, as she was never really there for me and I always tried to take care of myself since I was a toddler really. Still her death came as something like a relief to me, 11 years ago. And it was more so for my sis. Her relationship with our mum was much more like you describe yours. I’m sorry Kelly. Hope venting here helps a bit.
Thank you Menno, your right my only option is to do things myself…i dont think she will ever admit to the things shes sorry for or even be sorry… im in a really happy place in my life at the moment which is brilliant but it also actually highlights how bad our mother daughter relationship is…
I’m glad you have a supportive partner in life that encourages you to grow as a person.
Growing is hard because it means change. I am a creature of habit so its hard to grow mentally and spiritually. But it sounds like you are growing by expressing these feelings. Sometimes growth means to set boundaries with those that we love. I personally set boundaries with my adoptive Mom, which ultimately led to a wave and a smile as we pass each other in the store. I needed to protect my peace and serenity because I will not let a toxic person make me feel belittled and emotionally traumatized again. It was difficult at the beginning but now it’s not brought up anymore in my life unless I choose to share my experience. I wish you the best through this phase of your sobriety journey. Always reach out to other like minded people and hold onto those who encourage you to do better in life.
Thank you Suzrene, im sorry youve had to feel that way too. You are right, i have made changes to our relationship so that i can have more time away from her…im hoping that given more time she will losen her grip more and more infact thats my only real hope because i know i will never get any form of validation of my feelings from her.
Hey Kelly,
Long time no read.
That’s quite a vent. I’m glad you shared. I’ve heard stories like yours with friends and in Al-Anon. I can’t imagine your pain. It sounds like your pain is impossible to let go of. I’m so sorry.
The only thing, or the first thing that comes to my mind is just listen to her. And remember WAIT
WHY
AM
I
TALKING
We don’t have to participate in every fight or argument.
And I got one more if you like.
I listen to this serenity prayer meditation. It’s so good. And one small nugget was.
“What would happen if I let go of being right?” That hit me like a ton of bricks. That, with a little work, I could let go of.
Nice to read you here. Sorry about the circumstances.
Thank you Eric, sorry ive not been around much, im still here every single day but mostly reading these days, lovely to speak with you i do hope you are well.Those are both great pieces of advice thank you…i do try to not get involved and stay neutral but its difficult because unfortunately i am really rather a sensitive soul and her words at times cut me to the quick…shes very insensitive and has no filter so the usual run of events is she comes by…says something that hurts…i dont react but then end up having to lick my wounds for several days after while she remains blissfully unaware
i dont honestly think she even realises she does it…heres a prime example last week…my partner brought his dog Patti with him when we moved in together…he was in a previous relationship…i was telling my mother how Patti is like my little shadow lately…her reply wasnt the normal ‘oh she must really like you etc’ my mothers answer to that was ‘maybe she misses her other mum’
I had some pretty intense Mother struggles too, right up to the day she died. On her death bed, she told my sister that her deepest wish is that she turn her life around. One last time to say, nope, not like that. I won’t love you like that.
I’m sorry you are struggling. I think a lack of parental love is absolutely damaging to the psyche. She made me tough and also so insanely vulnerable. I am both grateful and wounded and I will never get to heal that with her. I have to heal myself now. You might think I’m going to push you into a conversation with your Mom but I’m not. You can only hear “oh, that didn’t happen” or “I would never say that” so many times before you want to stop hearing that.
What really prompted me to post was
I am not advocating for a seeking of closure here I am suggesting you go now. Not when the sweet little person you’ve made is older and has absorbed some of the abuse but as soon as you feel mentally ready. For many years I was pushed to confront my Mom about the things she did to hurt me and everytime I did that I heard “I’m sorry you remember it that way”. That old saying don’t keep going to the hardware store for milk applies here.
I am both grateful for the lovely things my Mom did for me and the person she made me and more sure distance was correct each time I tell someone a funny anecdote from my relationship with my Mom and they look at me in horror. I recently told my husband about the time she convinced me I might have caused catastrophic, state wide flooding because I did laundry when it was raining.
You can heal. But maybe not with the person that hurt you. Sending huge hugs your way and the hopes that you can sit with little you in love.
I have to piggyback here as that is so classically bad. My sister once went to my Mom for marriage advice and the first sentence out of her mouth was “he’s probably cheating on you”. She called myself and my other sister crying that day and we all learned a big lesson. If you are upset when you go to Mom you will leave twice as upset.
Also see, I once asked my Mom for money to help me go to therapy and before she even said yes or no, she said “well your father and I are very disappointed in you”. And I called my sisters.
Thank you so much Emilie, lovely to hear from you i hope you are well…sorry to hear that youve had alot of similar issues, its really quite painful isnt it, i honestly dont feel like i can up sticks yet when my daughter is settled in school, her dad is here aswell…ive already limited alot of her contact with my mother aswell to protect her…to be honest she prefers to be at home with me and my partner anyway because we have such a lovely time and a happy loving home…the happy family i always dreamed of…i just want to be able to stay in my happy bubble and not have it invaded by toxicity. Im going to keep re reading what youve said, what everyone has said and try to find a way through, thank you so much. Love to you
Love right back to you. You absolutely know what’s best here and you will pick the right path. It is beautiful when we can pick the ones who love us best. Congratulations on forging your own snug support system.
This interaction brought up some good stuff for me to mull over too.
Sending many hugs.
Absolutely you didnt Emilie, im more than happy with all the support, advice and love ive gotten on this thread, pretty much covers everything…i actually feel alot bettter…time to process it all but where im at now is a feeling of empowerment…that i am going to protect my happy little bubble and enjoy it, ive waited so long to have a family unit of my own and now i have it im not gonna let anyone spoil it
i dont honestly think she even realises she does it…heres a prime example last week…my partner brought his dog Patti with him when we moved in together…he was in a previous relationship…i was telling my mother how Patti is like my little shadow lately…her reply wasnt the normal ‘oh she must really like you etc’ my mothers answer to that was ‘maybe she misses her other mum’
