Ten characters
1 Like
Thank you so much all of you lovely people, lots of love 
1 Like
Now that you are one year older: What are the major changes? A new cracking in the bones? A new creaking in the joints? A new fog in the brain? 
Joking, have a wonderful start into this new year of life 
1 Like
Ohh the fog continues daily 
Thank you dear friend.
I had a chat with my older brother yesterday about my mother, i didnt expect at first to get any support as he is a master at sitting on the fence but actually he was very supportive, i was so touched by this i spent most of the night crying because it made me feel validated, he didnt sit there dissing our mother but understood how she makes me feel because she is the way she is, as kids we were extremely close, we have mostly always been there for each other in adulthood apart from when i was trying to get sober but he had his own issues at the time, he didnt tell me what to do about mum rather he urged me to look toward my own little family and take care if my own priorities first similarly to what you guys have said, but the fact he understood meant so much to me
3 Likes
I dont really know how i should proceed with this…my mother has started texting me random things like to tell me a man she used to work with years ago has passed away, i just said im sorry to hear that… then today i myself am going to a funeral so shes picking my daughter up from school, i messaged about the details etc and shes started putting a x on the end of her messages…i haven’t reciprocated with the ending x ( which is basically a sign that we are friends again) and i know how petty this might all seem, im not petty i just dont want all of this brushing under the carpet…
2 Likes
You are not petty for not replying with an x sign off. If the x signifies that you have forgiven and moved on from the conflict then that is squarely for you to decide when to signal that. You are allowed to be upset with your mom as long as is necessary. That does not make you a bad person or petty or anything else. You are the only one that can decide when you are ready to move forward, no matter how frustrated or upset she may get with you for not recirprocating. I know how difficult it can be to be upset with a parent, but that does not give them a free pass to bulldoze you and your family.
3 Likes
That’s a strategy to signal “I wannabe on good terms again” without appologizing or discussing the conflict.
I know that pretty well, in my family it was a common strategy to mention banal things to signal that the person calmed down and wanted to speak normal again, leaving whatever conflict behind. I wasn’t happy with it tbh. When I was ok with the situation I accepted it and acted accordingly replying nicely to the theme offered. When not I stated clearly that conflicting issue needs further discussion from my side and I’m not going back to normal (besides the obvious family logistics and general friendlyness). Sometimes it worked, often not.
If you don’t feel comfortable with her approach, you are free to say so and express your feelings and needs. Hugs 
2 Likes
Thank you @FracturedNoMore and @erntedank
I agree with you both, it might just be a subtle thing but its there, im certainly not ready to be ok thats for sure, especially with no apology whatsoever, il probably never get one but im not ok about that, im going to keep her at arms length for sure, i still feel really raw
2 Likes
And that is ok for you to make that decision. Not that you need permission, but as support from someone that knows what dealing with a difficult parent can be. I struggle with my own decisions, but I have to accept that I entitled to the decisions I feel are best for me and my family. Stay strong and know that we have your back
2 Likes
Thank you Nathan, yes sometimes its alot easier to do something when someone who has experienced similar advises you that its ok to do or feel something, i know you guys have my back and i appreciate it so much because often when my emotions are strong i dont think very logically
2 Likes
It can feel strange to keep up with our own decisions that we make to protect ourselfs. That’s normal and it gets easier the longer you stick to your boundaries, speak your truth and keep distance to toxic people.
Do what feels right for you. Your mother will learn to deal with it. It’s your vulnerability that needs protection, it’s your feelings that need healing. At your pace, as long as it takes, according to your safety rules. No need to engage where you don’t feel ok. You do you
2 Likes
What my mother will do is hold a grudge til the day she passes! I know, thats also her choice…she has fibromyalgia which makes me feel even worse about things but she was like this my whole life
2 Likes
if she has no other hobbies may she hold grudges 
you are not responsible for her health issues, you can’t change them. of course you feel with her and cut her slack, it IS a bad disease that affects your mental health and stress level too.
her social behaviour is not caused by fibromyalgia, that’s original toxic brainfuck, not an illness. I hope your emotions are able to distinguish that. sending peace of heart
2 Likes
Yeah, i try, i feel bad for her suffering with the fibro but u know…im extremely compassionate and if she was upset or having a bad day id always do my level best to help but not at my own expense or to have her take it out on me, she leaves me no room for maneuver
1 Like
My mother just happened to drive past as i was literally half way through cutting my front lawn…she slows down i wave then she stops and says is this a bad time for a cup of tea…i look at the garden and say well kind of yeah? Off she went…
In one respect i feel horrible but in another i mentally say to her…‘just apologise, change your ways then we can move past this’
i want that apology
2 Likes
It’s never coming. Relying on that apology to help with this situation is just making you feel worse. Even us alcoholics with long term recovery can fall into that trap where we think that if the other person just did what we want then we would feel better. But if we apply our recovery principles to the current situation we will realize the only thing we can control is our own emotions.
Your mom is who she is. You can assume she will never change, never improve, and never apologize. All you can focus on is how much of her you can tolerate at any given time. It would be nice if she respected your boundaries but she never will. It’s up to you to enforce them.
3 Likes
Thank you Derek i appreciate the reality check, your absolutely right, hard as it is to swallow, she wont change, i guess like you said i just wish she would, i will put some more work into accepting her for who she is, i struggle with feeling like im hurting her by enforcing my boundaries alot, she is my mother but i cant accept her behaviour either
2 Likes
Remember that you are not hurting her on purpose you are respecting yourself. She is also hurting you by not respecting you, but much like my mother that is not her concern. Essentially she is putting it all on you. Relationships need to have mutual respect to thrive no matter who the people are.
2 Likes
Thats very true, thank you for that, she is putting it on me, making it seem like im the aggressor or the one that is just being stubborn, as you say its me respecting myself while also trying not to disrespect her as she does me, i can only keep myself right
2 Likes
