Honestly Kelly, I think that your mam and mine are literally 100% cut from the same cloth. I bet her whole list was material or financial help towards you, not a single example of emotional or nurturing worth. And that’s the thing. It’s transactional. We belong to them because in their emotional landscape we are extensions of everything they endured (possibly didn’t want, possibly didn’t understand, possibly compete with for resources be they status, praise, goodness, power, entitlement).
Absolutely zero makes sense, you are flogging a dead horse here, mate, sorry to be blunt. The last time I saw my mum we had a passive aggressive non argument which I walked upstairs from. She shouted that I was a vile cunt at the top of her voice (very hysterical when drunk, often threw herself on the floor and screamed). I was horrible, I made her feel stupid (not even owning her own ridiculous behaviour)… She didn’t stop exploding with worse and worse comments that just escalated so I locked myself in a bedroom and considered how I could disappear. The only solution I came up with was not a very nice one, and I’m thankful my partner and sister came to the rescue.
After all this she stomped up the stairs several times screaming that ‘we had fed ourselves, what about them?’ (eating crisps), ‘who was going to look after her when she was dying?’, ‘couldn’t we see she was sick?’. Kelly, it’s disgusting, this behaviours is vile and manipulative and cruel. It doesn’t have to be this extreme to see how cruel people can be when they take no responsibility for their actions or accountability for their behaviours .
I can still come up with a million excuses for my mom, even now, if I try. But I choose not to. I don’t want any inheritance money or property, I never wanted her help after a while, I don’t need anything she CAN give me, so I choose to stay clear to avoid what she DOES give me. I just couldn’t do it anymore, that banging my head against a brick wall.
It’s fucking heartbreaking to have two living parents yet no parents. Even my step parents both shafted me and chose to enable the abusive ways. It hurts and not a single day goes by that I don’t think about them up to a million times. But also, I matter. I’m more peaceful. I feel like you are giving her too much grace by keep replying and also she can twist and frustrate you this way. You are trapped in this guilt cycle she is perpetuating.
I would consider…
Offer her family resolution therapy as the sole method of mediation and communication for now. You are too easy for her to manipulate, but I bet she doesn’t have the balls to be put in front of impartial and objective scrutiny…
Find a way to disentangle all of your reliance from her completely (daughters lifts etc)
CONSIDER whether you feel the relationship is truly worth it.
Hugs 
