I just wanted to be a part of this conversation. I love how your mom stays close to her grandchild. I love you have a mom able to visit and one you can talk to. I lost my mom at 14 and of course wish now she was annoying me. You are doing everything right. Be kind and hold your ground. Suggestion only. Set up regular time for that tea and hope cake visits. Can I come over?
4 Likes
I am sorry for your loss I really am, sending love and hugs to you.
Maybe, what ive decided on is possibly visiting her on a weekend with my partner only and never alone, that way she won’t snipe at me because he’s there and i can leave if things dont go well.
3 Likes
You do make me chuckle 
I love the means tested pension idea, if only we had an ideal world hey? Youve helped me loads im very greatful 
Love to you 
Ps, im only a pm away, im still here daily even when I dont write
2 Likes
After reading this while strung. Idon’t have any advice to real give. But hugs. My daughter probably feels the same about me. I was myself was way to young when I had her. She turned out pretty good despite it all. And trust me if could, would go back in time and do a lot of things different.
and God know I have list grievance with my mom. I think for myself now I held my mom to high level then anyone else. And all the while she was just a person trying to do her best and get through life. Rest in peace mom. And can tell you all I want is to hear her voice and to have hug from her.
I’m definitely a wonderful Grandmother much then I was a mom. I have apologized to my daughter many my time too, but well again I think she still has a lot of issues with me…but we do are the best we can now in the relationship we have today
. I hope that you find away to move forward in your relationship with your mother. hugs
3 Likes
Im sorry for your loss
That’s the missing piece though…the apology ive never had.. not even an admission of any wrong doing whatsoever… I know what your saying and yes I do still have my mother im glad about that… but do I allow her to bring me down with her scathing remarks, controlling behaviour and manipulation? Ive tried that for years
5 Likes
Just the word mother was enough to keep me out of this thread.
I’m glad I read it. There is a lot of gold.
I relate with your anger at your mother for allowing your step dad to hurt you.
I had an extremely abusive childhood. I was never allowed to fit into their lives.
My siblings were his, and feeling guilty for labeling them as his is my first reaction today. But I do remember why I did it..
In reality that’s what it was. I never felt loved by any of them growing up. I was always the outsider looking in.
I have spent too much of my adult life trying to fit in. It always hurt me more.
I cut them off. In my previous recovery It was hard, and I tried a couple of times while I was in relapse mode to reconcile only to have that same painful cycle of rejection happen again.
I have not tried since. I don’t even know where they live or if they are still alive.
This way isn’t easy either.
I don’t want to hijack your thread with my story. I just wanted to share that I relate to your anger and why.
The best revenge is to live well helps me.
6 Likes
Your more than welcome to tell your story on here, I dont see it as hijacking in any way Jason especiallyif it helps, its what we all do here right? It sounds like you had it very rough, im so sorry.
Im already estranged from my dad since early childhood when my mother had an affair with my now stepfather, at best I was tolerated by my stepdad, he never laid a finger on me but certainly I was emotionally abused, put down, made to feel I didnt matter, certainly not shown love, my mother was not unlike him to be honest, it was both of them really, I know it wasn’t meant to but now I feel bad all over again because people here are telling me stories about them not having their mother around anymore and how they wish they did…so now I feel like im somehow ungrateful/selfish for wanting boundries, idk im just thinking out loud now
5 Likes
Don’t feel guilty for your boundaries! I feel the same way and I know that those sentiments usually come from people who can’t understand. For me it’s painful and makes me grieve the relationship that I never have had and most likely won’t.
4 Likes
It’s confusing. I see both sides.
The first time I stayed sober for a long time I did a lot of therapy. My therapist was really good. She earned my trust and I was able to open up.
I decided I was done. Random conversation with people frequently lead to asking about my parents. It’s ackward. I don’t like it. There is still that feeling like I’m missing something.
I used to think about it and and I could feel the rage warming up my spine.
I don’t feel that anymore.
It’s their loss.
3 Likes
I’m glad that your not carrying that anger around with you these days Jason, it is their loss, from what ive read on here you are a kind, giving and intelligent man, you help alot of people.
3 Likes
Thank you @Elephanttail I know that feeling….having to try and drop the picture you have/had in your head how you want things to be is so difficult, ive literally gone about being everything my mother wasn’t toward my daughter because I know how painful it is
3 Likes
I’m sorry, i definitely was not going for making you feel that way with my share. Boundaries are health. Especially if someone is constantly treating you poorly.
Have you ever asked your mom to go to a family therapist with you?
I hope you find healing! It is hard when it is your mom that cause the pain.
3 Likes
Thank you, no ive not asked her about therapy because I know she wouldn’t do it, she doesn’t think shes done anything wrong
1 Like
Nope. As someone who has been on both sides of this equation I want to re-affirm that your desire for boundaries is perfectly valid.
Since my Mom died I have tried to remember to mourn the relationship I never had with her but I have never regretted boundaries. Boundaries helped me start healing.You can ask for and tell people how you want to be treated. They may listen and they may not but the asking is important. 
4 Likes
Thank you so much Emilie, so good to hear from you. Its painful even doing this, enforcing these boundries, its taking a long time to shake the feeling that im just making her suffer, I want my boundries and know I have to do it for myself but I feel like im being cruel to her xx
3 Likes
I completely understand that cruel feeling. My Mom and I weren’t friends, and I didn’t trust her advice as a Mom so we talked a lot about the weather and what was going on in the lives of people we knew. I withheld a lot of information from her and it’s sad that she never got to really know me.
I didn’t try often to open up to her because she taught me to be guarded. I helped her when I could but I was never her first call because I didn’t want to make myself her first call. I carried a lot of guilt about how I treated her but I was there at the end swabbing her mouth and holding her hand. She loved me in her way and I loved her in mine.
I hope you can find peace. Keep showing up for yourself.
4 Likes
Im sorry Emilie, I feel your pain there through your words, you loved her in your own way and I love mine, its sad…she wants us to be close I know she does but she wants to be close and hurt me at the same time…at times I think we are so different as people she doesn’t even realise the pain her words cause me, sometimes its unitentional so ive also tried looking at myself and thinking am I being oversensitive and ive tried hard to brush things off and not let it bother me but the truth is it does n ive had to face that too, I dont think she has any idea how many different tactics ive actually tried to get to this point xx
2 Likes
you can love your mom, protect yourself from her hurtful behaviour, work on your own standing, set a fuck off restriction to bullshit, be angry, feel guilty, be brave and step up for yourself, hurt and heal, all at the same time. That’s an exhausting cocktail I know pretty well. Keep going bearing the following in mind
3 Likes
Wow, thank you so much for this! This all really helps and make sooooo much sense 
xxxx
1 Like
i bookmarked my own post to stay accountable in the next round of mimimi occuring, my heart & brain still need constant reminders to focus on myself and what I can do 
1 Like