I’m sorry for you Kelly… the rejection of a parent really hurts. Thinking of you.
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Thank you James that means alot
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hugs to you 
it is a long way to let go of what we want from the depth of our hearts.
it makes no difference now in this moment but i say it nonetheless: it’s sad that your mum shows no caring and it’s your job to detach from your expectation / longing that she acts like the caring, loving mum your soul misses. When you focus on her, you don’t focus on your own wellbeeing.
sending love, kindness and hugs, it’s great that you keep up boundaries. with time and practice the hurt will change into other emotions and fade. Until then it will shorten in depth and length with every cycle (not the most uplifting outlook but absolutely priceless freeing when you feel & realize the change for the first time).
Always here for you
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Thank you so much 
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One thing that is a massive plus is throughout all this pain and hurting ive not once wanted to drink because of it
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That’s a huge win 
Going through hurtful times and emotions is so much more bearable sober
Sober we know that everything passes and can be patient while working on what we can do for ourselfs. Enjoy some selfcare, sending kindness & hugs 
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Thank you so much for always giving such great advice, support and love it really means alot to me, sending lots of love your way too
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I remember once when i was around 17 i was on the way to work my waitressing job on a Sunday lunch time, my mother was giving me a lift there and we had an argument in the car about how there was no gap between her and my dad splitting up and her being with my stepfather…she has always denied having an affair and to be fair i was most likely accusing her of it in a round about way which obviously isnt nice…later that day when i got home she had completely trashed my room and most of my things were broken…my younger brother said she was actually screaming while she was trashing it…
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If it helps, this is child abuse. Plain and simple. I’m not surprised you have underlying issues in your relationship. Her job was to role model a good adult - that behaviour is appalling and the opposite of what she should be modelling. As parents we all make mistakes - I have made countless - but showing our children that we can apologise for our mistakes and try and make amends with them is one of the most important lessons we can teach them. She failed you twice in that moment and it’s ok to be angry.
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Thank you James, she would still justify that situation to this day and has, it is abuse ive just not actually seen it that way until recently and you just confirmed it in my head, it does help actually, to know that shes wrong but do you know what is actually really sad? If she apologised to me today for all shes done i would be over the moon and accept it wholeheartedly
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I don’t think that’s sad, I think it shows the power of an apology. I also think it shows that you’re a good, loving, open person in spite of the challenges you’ve been through. Holding a hard heart takes energy and focus. Thats different to having to prioritise yourself and those more worthy of your time, attention and love.
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You speak so much sense, thats exactly what im doing prioritising myself and my family more so because i feel i have to because if im not ok then it affects my precious family
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First I second James, this behaviour was violent, abusive and shows a significant mental health issue.
Second I want to say the above quote qualifies as sign for codependency and codependent behaviour. Thank you for putting it clear and honest
That’s a good start to get aware of it. And work on it.
It took me years to leave the same emotion and wishful thinking behind me and I STILL have upheavals every now and then.
The key that unlocked real progress for me was kindness towards myself. Once I started being kind and caring when I desperately wished to receive it from my ex, the patterns & thoughts started to change. Episodes got shorter, time between episodes got longer, intensity decreased. I started from multiple times a day crawling up the ceiling - now I am at 1 - 4 episodes per month, usually over in less than an hour until I am back to balanced & stable. Triggers are another chapter, work there is ongoing.
You did nothing wrong in expressing you point of view. You were and are a good person! Hugs
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The most important things to stick with my inner boundaries and first stop acting on codependent mimimi, second rewiring my focus on ME came from @Dazercat
We don’t go to the hardware store for milk anymore
and
If I focus on someone else’s problems (in his case wifey’s drinking, in my case all my ex did not do), I do not focus on my own recovery.
And this one was on my emotional support posters for 2 years
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Would you mind explaining what you mean by this a bit more in relation to my situation?
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Codependent describes an unhealthy, one-sided relationship where one person enables another’s addiction, poor mental health, or immaturity while neglecting their own needs. It is a learned, “relationship addiction” often characterized by low self-esteem, poor boundaries, and a compulsive desire to “rescue” or control a partner. (Description AI generated and crosschecked by me on original sources).
For me there are several aspects in what you described.
- A unhealthy, unstable, unreliable relationship where your mum is not able to provide love, care and behaviour as an adult, mature woman to her children, especially to you.
- This caused and still is causing trauma, hurt and a conflicting role understanding. You cannot act and feel like a beloved child because there is no adequate counterpart on the mother side. Your feelings and needs are not heard or respected. But they are there and you love your mum.
- Trying to get love and respect while your mum behaves as she does did further harm to you. And that’s a sign of codependency. Repeating patterns in an unhealthy relationship that cause harm & hurt.
- Setting your boundary and sticking to it no matter how much inner turmoil it causes is THE step away where healing starts. To add to the emotional confusion, I guess your self-worth is growing into a healthy mature mode and quite happy with it while the codependent mimimi is confused by ME FIRST.
Sorry if this sounds a bit awkward, it is already tricky to express what I want to say in German, I hope I didn’t translate it too confusing.
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No its crystal clear…initially i felt slightly defensive, like i felt a little silly like im the one who keeps being hurt yet id be willing to forgive her and that ive always kept coming back for more hurt expecting different but then i thought no Kelly your talking to @erntedank here you trust her and she genuinely wants to help you…i understand what your saying but something has changed this time…let me try and explain…ive done alot of work on myself and my self esteem and although im not fully there yet i am much more confident in myself as a person, i know im a good person these day eventhough ive mostly been taught that im not, Adam and i have a very mature loving relationship aswell with lots of genuine respect which i feel also gives me more confidence and also highlights how toxic the relationship with my mother actually is…
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this is so heartwarming, I’m happy that you have this loving mature stable relationship
You for sure have come a long way and it’s wonderful to see that you can set boundaries and the hard work on yourself pays off 
I’m so proud of you!
i knew i forgot something in the middle of my post 
sorry!
i wanted to add that being happy about an appology (or other changed behaviour) and forgiving is normal and a loving, healthy reaction, something that is worth giving a chance and keeping the heart open for it to happen. The codependent part is waiting for it like waiting for Godot and/or trying to reach it/force it in ways that don’t work.
I knew the post sounded awkward
Good night, I better stop typing before my posts don’t make any sense anymore 
. It was a long day and my furvalium snores.
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No it wasnt awkward please dont feel like that, you are massively helping me here with all this and im extremely grateful, i am raw and hurting so your words are helping me stay on course and helping me see logic, thank you from the bottom of my heart because ive suffered this for years, this is life changing stuff for me.
You have a lovely peaceful sleep, lots of love from me
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