Hello friends, thank you for this welcoming space to share… my thoughts, anxiety, fears. I was pretty much sexually abused from the time I was one until about 17 years of age. Around 7 I started to abuse myself, sneaking alcohol and cigarettes, lying and denying. In high school I started doing a lot of drugs, weed, coke, crack and a lot of unprotected sex. I never thought I was an addict because I was very aware of why I was doing what I was doing. I needed an escape to escape my life. In college I meet my mate and we married (I hid my smoking and drinking and from him but together we smoked pot and all other drugs and recreational sex were out of my life) and still I did not think I was an addict. Got pregnant with my first child and realized for the beautiful being growing inside of me I had to quit the drinking and cigarettes. I did. For seven years and three beautiful children later, I had no drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. Happy to say drugs and cigarettes are still out of my life, I’m okay to not have those crutches any longer. But… my marriage was not perfect or happy. It was actually very abusive. I began hanging out with other moms and sharing things about our lives over a glass of wine. Over time a glass of wine became two, then three, then the whole bottle. Found myself dropping my kids of at school to go home and drink a bottle or two alone. My marriage got worse and it ended bitterly. My only friend was the bottle. Over the past 12 years I’ve tried to manage it but it doesn’t seem like I can. I mean I could stop but moments happen and the urge to drink sneaks up on me and holds me hostage until the third glass and at that point I become a willing participant… until the next time. So, I’m one day sober and I need to say I’m an addict. I always have been and always will be. Now I need to find the tools to manage my addictions so that I’m the one in charge not my addictions.
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Hi @sawood. Thank you for sharing some of your story. I was very sad reading it, but very hopeful for you and the decision you have made. No doubt, it will be very challenging, and no doubt totally worth it! 
Try to start with all the support you can get - this forum, AA or other meetings, an outpatient/inpatient program, reading and videos. There is so much out there! See you around here.
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Thank you for the encouragement. Being here is helpful and safe. I’m not ready to attend meetings yet. I live in a very small town and am afraid of the gossip. So for now this is my safe haven.
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