Continuing the discussion from Having a hard night:
I’ve mentioned before how my mom’s mental health has been weighing on me, but things got worse when she left drugs in my car and then accused my fiancé of planting them. Since then, every time she calls, it’s to vent or ask for something. Any time we make plans, it’s what she wants — at her house — because she won’t come around my fiancé. She says she’s forgiven him and is happy for me, but that’s clearly not true.
I’ve tried to accommodate, but it’s hurtful — to me and to my fiancé. I’m constantly asked for money or emotional support, but when I needed her during a rough patch, she answered my tearful call by immediately launching into complaints about my stepdad and sister… and then hung up saying she was tired. No space for me. No “I love you.” It’s been like this for months. I’m her only emotional outlet, and it’s exhausting.
I’ve pulled back, especially after the drug incident. I tried to be gentle about it — texting her, dropping hints — but she either ignores them or calls me out for “repeating myself,” which just adds insult to injury. She notices I’m distant, but doesn’t ask why. I stopped going over because it’s honestly too painful. The house smells like cigarettes, there’s yelling, the energy is heavy. Watching her life spiral and my sisters suffer is heartbreaking. I also don’t believe she’s sober anymore.
And the thing is — I just wanted her to show up for me. To see my home. The life I’m building. But she won’t.
At the end of May, my fiancé and I went to Hawaii as a reward for our sobriety — something we saved up for and looked forward to for months. And we got engaged! It was beautiful. I called everyone. Even my dad, who I have a strained relationship with, was happy for me. My mom? Not so much.
Before we left, she told me I should “test him” on the trip to see if he could stay sober — like she had no faith in him or our relationship. When we got back, she was sick with RSV and pneumonia. I couldn’t take her to the hospital because of her being contagious and my fiancé being immunocompromised from chemo — but I made sure she had a ride, called the doctors, stayed in touch every step of the way.
She said, “I want to hear about your trip, I’m just too tired right now.” Then weeks went by. No interest in hearing about it, no asking to see the ring, no talk of the engagement. Nothing.
Then she asked me to wake up at 5 AM to drive her and my stepdad — who she said she was separating from — to the airport. I did it. Gave them souvenirs. Still nothing. No interest in the engagement. No thank-you from him. She gave me $20 instead of the $30 she promised for gas. And I didn’t hear from her for a week.
Then Saturday hit. I was already struggling emotionally, and then my best friend ended up in the ER with seizure concerns. I reached out and asked my mom to call. Six hours later, she did — drunk. She immediately started venting about how miserable she was and asked me to pick them up from the airport. No “Are you okay?” No space for me.
I got a little snippy and said, “I didn’t realize I’d be out until 10:30 the night before a big day at work.” She snapped, “This is just to keep David happy. That’s all that matters — him and his family.” It wasn’t just the words — it was the guilt trip in her tone. It cut deep.
I said, “Don’t you dare. You don’t get to pull this guilt trip on me right now.” And I hung up.
I cried for hours. After months of feeling forgotten, minimized, erased — for her to weaponize the hardest part of my past, to imply that I’m weak, or selfish, or controlled — it shattered something in me. I knew this moment was coming, but I waited too long, trying not to hurt her.
Later, I sent her a message. I journaled, I edited, I had a close friend read it to make sure it was honest but not mean. She didn’t read it. I followed up the next day. Still nothing. Then finally, she texted to say she wouldn’t read it because it would just be “hurtful” and that the only thing she’s able to deal with right now is whether I’m picking them up from the airport.
She’s convinced I spend all my free time with my fiancé’s family. In one message, she said I’m doing it “to keep your fiancé happy or so they’ll accept you.”
She brought up my sister’s birthday — which I did call for, but she didn’t answer. She mentioned Mother’s Day, even though I tried to make plans and got no response until she called me crying after I got upset. For her birthday, I called, texted, and sent a card. Meanwhile, on my birthday — just five days later — she completely forgot. She was returning from her birthday weekend and didn’t reach out at all. I finally texted, “Thanks for the birthday wishes.” She claimed she had no signal, but I confirmed she’d spoken with my sister that day.
She also mentioned Father’s Day. Yes, my fiancé’s parents came over — because I’ve made it clear I no longer have a relationship with my stepdad. Still, I texted him and reminded my mom it was Father’s Day — she had forgotten.
She referenced times she’s called and I couldn’t talk because my fiancé’s parents were over. She brought up my housewarming — she was invited, showed up two hours late, spent an hour doing her makeup in my bathroom, then was cold to my mother-in-law. She also mentioned when I moved after my old apartment flooded. My fiancé’s parents offered to help and have lunch. My mom refused to be around them, so she came later and wanted to go to the pool — while I was rushing to finish moving before the locks were changed.
It’s all in the screenshot — but I needed to share the full story. What she’s suggesting isn’t accurate. It’s hurtful and frustrating because this all stems from her not putting in the effort and expecting me to carry the relationship.
And just to clarify — I don’t spend more time with my fiancé’s family. If anything, I see them less. But they show up. They make the effort. They support me without guilt or conditions. That’s the difference.
I used to be close with my mom. We had a balanced, loving relationship until about a year ago. My sister sees the change too — and she lives with her. Thankfully, my sister and I are supporting each other while trying not to feed our mom’s paranoia that we’re “turning against her.”
But I can’t shake the feeling of: Who is this person? It doesn’t feel like love anymore.
Anyway, that’s the short version. I’ve attached the screenshot she sent me. Every friend who’s seen it — friends who know us both — said the same thing: this doesn’t sound like love. It sounds like resentment. Like pain masked as guilt. Maybe even jealousy. I’ve worked hard to get where I am: I’m sober, healthy, engaged, building a life I’m proud of. I think she’s hurting, and maybe feeling left behind. But I don’t know how to help someone who keeps hurting me when I try to reach out.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
** i did not include my reaponse specifically because it uses my fiance, sisters, and friends names and i try to keep that private **
