Hi I’m pretty new here and I haven’t posted before. I’m having trouble on the homefront. I’ve been sober now for 73 days, and my husband is sober as well. I’m having issues with him lately. These are things that have made me wanted to drink before. He sleeps all the time and is really unmotivated. He has ADHD and he takes Adderall for it. If he doesn’t take his Adderall he lays in bed all day. I get really frustrated with that. Today he didn’t get out of bed most of the day. I took my kids to my parents house for a birthday party and he said he was going to stay home so he could do some things around the house. However… I just got home and he is in bed again and he didn’t do anything.
I just wish I could fix him and I know I can’t. We’re going to counseling but I just don’t know what to do. Our counselor is working on our communication. But that’s not going to help his total lack of motivation. I’ve just been trying really hard to just work on myself. I found myself I can’t control his behavior I can only control how I react to it. I’m trying not to fly off the handle at him. I just want to call him a piece of shit.
I’ve been reading about ADHD and I know it has to do with that but it is really frustrating being a spouse to someone that has it. Our kids have it too.
First of all, great job on 73 days! Working on yourself is really all you can do, and learning how to respond and deal with these things in your life you didn’t notice or were ignoring.
I’ve never officially been diagnosed but this post resonated with me. Alot of my life I’ve had periods where all I want to do is sleep. Since becoming sober I’ve been realizing things about myself that were probably what contributed to my addictions. Procrastination and lack of motivation are crushing. I can tell you that your husband is probably just as frustrated with it as you are.
Why doesn’t he taking his adderall consistently? I have some ideas from what I’ve seen with my brother who was on it for 10 years, but what are your husband’s reasons?
Thank you for your post, and helping me see another perspective. I know he isn’t purposely doing it to annoy me. I’ve read that it is tied in with anxiety and depression and that they can’t help it. I just wish I could help him somehow. He wants me to bring him his Adderall in the morning. I do that sometimes but I can’t always find it. Sometimes he can’t remember where he left it. I think that’s part of the lack of consistency in his taking it. Also, our counselor is recommending he try to ween off of it because it’s hard on the heart. He’s on b/p meds, too and doesn’t take those most days either.
Welcome to the club of people in ADHD families! ADHD husband here, and my father and brothers have it too. I take methylphenidate (as prescribed by my doctor), and I have done ADHD group and individual therapy and coaching (not to “fix” me but just to learn about how I can understand and grow with my ADHD). Wife does not have ADHD.
I would strongly, strongly, strongly recommend you watch the videos on the ADHD_love channel on YouTube. It is also an ADHD couple: the wife has ADHD, the husband does not. They have helped my wife to understand the complex beauty of the ADHD brain in a new way.
You will learn many things there, including why you feel so apparently frustrated, why it’s not your fault but it’s also not your spouse’s fault, how your partnership is actually a source of strength and not strain, and many more things.
The ADHD brain is like water, whereas most ordinary people’s brains are like rocks. Rocks have a standard shape and hold their positions, they are highly structured and that matters to them. Rocks retain a memory of what happens to them: scrapes, marks, chips, all types of interactions are stored permanently (or at least, long-term) on the rock’s surfaces.
Water, on the other hand, has no fixed shape - it flows - and it adapts 100% to its environment. It retains nothing: it flows through barriers, and collects itself, unruffled, on the other side. It retains no memory of what happened earlier, of interactions, of instructions, of failures, of successes. It simply flows.
Water can adapt to anything, rock cannot. Rock can hold its shape through most things, water cannot. There is unique (and equal) value in being water: water can do things rock cannot; rock can do things water cannot; both rock and water are equally essential for life to exist. The water flows over the rocks in the riverbed: there is no river without the rocks, or the water.
Your marriage is a river: he is the water, you are the rocks. The challenge, for you, is learning how to be a rock that lets water actually flow; the challenge for him is learning to let go, and flow. Neither of you is doing that right now. You both have learning to do.
I would recommend reading books by reliable, research-informed sources. These include Ned Hallowell and Thomas Brown, both of whom are clinicians and ADHD specialists with decades of research and practical application to support their findings. They have also both written books about living and thriving in ADHD families:
Welcome to the ADHD club! I promise, I promise, once you get the hang of it, you will discover it is a place you want to be. There are capabilities in ADHD which never exist in people who do not have ADHD. There is also a very, very deep loyalty. People with ADHD are loyal friends and spouses, in a way that is almost unheard of elsewhere. (The reason for this is partly because the ADHD brain - like water - tends to flow past things and doesn’t hold on to resentments or ill feelings that could erode loyalty.)
There is a rich learning journey ahead. You can do it, one step at a time.
Thank you for the encouragement and resources! I will be sure and check them out. My husband often calls me the “glue” in our family, but that doesn’t include him. I like the metaphor of rock and water.
I think a lot of people with ADHD develop a negative or helpless self-image as a result of decades of wanting to be what they think they “should be”, but because they are water and not rock - because they flow and don’t hold - they can never be that thing. (They can never be the rocks, which are the part that gets the most attention in our society: ‘Look at the rocks holding everything together!’)
What people with ADHD don’t get much chance to develop, is a sense of their unique value and capabilities, which are an amazing resource when they are properly appreciated and used (by the person with ADHD primarily, but it gets even better - the benefits are significantly amplified - when their family and/or work colleagues set up family and work life so that the ADHD person can flow, while the non-ADHD person can “rock”).
All the books I linked talk about these unique capabilities and challenges. ADHD_love (the YouTube channel) talks about them too, and the videos have a personal touch which is helpful.
It is a lifelong journey of learning for both of you but I promise, I promise, if you keep an open mind and heart and show compassion and understanding to yourself and to your family members, it works and it is an amazing, priceless family strength.
Make use of resources. Join ADHD conferences and learning groups and other spaces where people gather to learn and live well with ADHD. (You should see what it’s like when a hundred ADHD people get together. It is as rich and full of life as the ocean. Bring your husband. He will find it transformative.) Join ADHD mailing lists and read ADHD magazines and journals.
Speak with your marriage counsellor about communication strategies so both of you can feel heard. One strategy my wife and I use is to set a timer, once a day, 7.5 minutes per person, where the person talks and the other person just listens and echoes. (Not judging; echoing. For example: person 1 says “I feel angry when I see the floors haven’t been swept and house tasks on the to-do list have not been done.” person 2 echoes “it sounds like you are feeling angry when you see the house tasks, like sweeping and the other tasks on the list, have not been done”. Note that the language is not a judgment - it’s not ‘you are being lazy / unmotivated’ - it is a factual, physical statement “the floors have not been swept”, and it is a statement of your feelings: “I feel angry”. There are other feelings too: sad, afraid, happy, surprised, offended, disgusted. You can also just say “I feel bad / good”; keep it simple and clear). Another example: “I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated by the number of tasks in the house - the scope of work to do overwhelms my ADHD brain, which tends to think in terms of the big picture, everything at once - and I feel guilty too, and I begin reading Wikipedia or watching Netflix because that keeps my brain calm and focused on one thing”.
Through a combination of learning, meeting people who understand, listening, and keeping an open mind and heart, you will find your rhythm. It will not be easy - it takes time - but you will be glad you did it.
I really do enjoy the comparison to water…it absolutely feels like that. No memory, No scars, just flowing. Beautiful.