Welcome to the club of people in ADHD families! ADHD husband here, and my father and brothers have it too. I take methylphenidate (as prescribed by my doctor), and I have done ADHD group and individual therapy and coaching (not to “fix” me but just to learn about how I can understand and grow with my ADHD). Wife does not have ADHD.
I would strongly, strongly, strongly recommend you watch the videos on the ADHD_love channel on YouTube. It is also an ADHD couple: the wife has ADHD, the husband does not. They have helped my wife to understand the complex beauty of the ADHD brain in a new way.
You will learn many things there, including why you feel so apparently frustrated, why it’s not your fault but it’s also not your spouse’s fault, how your partnership is actually a source of strength and not strain, and many more things.
The ADHD brain is like water, whereas most ordinary people’s brains are like rocks. Rocks have a standard shape and hold their positions, they are highly structured and that matters to them. Rocks retain a memory of what happens to them: scrapes, marks, chips, all types of interactions are stored permanently (or at least, long-term) on the rock’s surfaces.
Water, on the other hand, has no fixed shape - it flows - and it adapts 100% to its environment. It retains nothing: it flows through barriers, and collects itself, unruffled, on the other side. It retains no memory of what happened earlier, of interactions, of instructions, of failures, of successes. It simply flows.
Water can adapt to anything, rock cannot. Rock can hold its shape through most things, water cannot. There is unique (and equal) value in being water: water can do things rock cannot; rock can do things water cannot; both rock and water are equally essential for life to exist. The water flows over the rocks in the riverbed: there is no river without the rocks, or the water.
Your marriage is a river: he is the water, you are the rocks. The challenge, for you, is learning how to be a rock that lets water actually flow; the challenge for him is learning to let go, and flow. Neither of you is doing that right now. You both have learning to do.
I would recommend reading books by reliable, research-informed sources. These include Ned Hallowell and Thomas Brown, both of whom are clinicians and ADHD specialists with decades of research and practical application to support their findings. They have also both written books about living and thriving in ADHD families:
Welcome to the ADHD club! I promise, I promise, once you get the hang of it, you will discover it is a place you want to be. There are capabilities in ADHD which never exist in people who do not have ADHD. There is also a very, very deep loyalty. People with ADHD are loyal friends and spouses, in a way that is almost unheard of elsewhere. (The reason for this is partly because the ADHD brain - like water - tends to flow past things and doesn’t hold on to resentments or ill feelings that could erode loyalty.)
There is a rich learning journey ahead. You can do it, one step at a time.