I respect people who suffer depression. But it is not my case. Alcohol cause me depression, but the root of my problem was alcoholism no depression itself.
Now I am sober, of course I am not always happy, I have ups and downs like everybody does. But I am not into the alcohol circle. I decide for myself, I respect my body and my mind.
Alcohol turned me into a lonely and isolated person. As long as I could have my bottle of wine and pack of cigarettes I was “happy”… and didn’t want to see anyone. Took me a while to figure that out, and then another long while how to break the cycle.
I’ve been told I turn into a monster, which I do believe. Irrational, impulsive, hateful, and sloppy. And I would never use those words to describe me sober. Oh and the constant embarrased and shameful by sending “I am sorry” texts to random people I drunk text because I thought it made sense at the time.
Alcohol turned me into an anxious, needy, out of control sad sack. I thought I was wild and free and fun but I was a mess. Now coming up on 2 years alcohol free I am unraveling all those characteristics and getting better all the time. Good riddance to that poison and that drunken version of me.
In the beginning alcohol was a great crutch. In helped my anxiety, made me carefree, and just generally happier. Once it turned on me like it does to everyone eventually. It made me a slave to it. An anxiety riddled, lying, sneaky, angry, lazy, sloppy, suicidal, scared, weak, nasty piece of shit. It takes everything good about you and makes you ugly, and a shell of yourself.
It turned me into a mess. I ruined so many things. Appliances, paintings, furniture. I let the house go. Had to restart with all my canvases and brushes.
I lost my career.
But I’m healthier and my relationship is still intact. 63 days