“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross”
Excerpt From
Courage to Change
I’ve been thinking about this idea of unconditional love for a long long time. People write about it, talk about it, long for it. But is it possible? I’ve often had talks with my husband over the years about unconditional love, especially after we’ve had a falling out. He is of the opinion that there is no such thing. That we all judge ourselves and others and act accordingly. I always thought it was a noble thing to try to achieve, to have this sort of love for self and others, but maybe he’s right, maybe it’s too pie in the sky. Or maybe we have different definitions.
In this context I would consider how you define “love” and how you differentiate it form other words that describe some kind of affection. What does your husband consider love to be?
Do you “love” yourself, your husband, your child, your pet, your friend, differently?
Another aspect is the word “unconditional”. Love usually includes very intense feelings of affection. If you place conditions on whether you love, you are making this feeling dependent on conditions outside of your control and thus your well being dependent on these changes. If on the other hand you can develop love without these conditions, you won’t rely on the external world to stay in a specific way.
Love also does not have to imply a specific set of behaviour. I can love somebody who hurt me, but decide to stay away from that person.
I think unconditional love is some kind of an imprint of a memory from early childhood, when the baby thinks they are one with the mother and cannot separate themselves from her as an individual entity. They feel this deep attachment and connection, and cannot take anything personally, as they don’t consider themselves an individual. I think when someone experiences that after they become self aware (so after this very early period in life) they are still well loved (so they can be loved for themselves), that might transform into some kind of deep self-love. If not, the child experiences that once they are who they are, they lose love.
I think every one of us loses that original feeling eventually and chases that lost illusion in their whole life to a degree. The bigger the let down is, the more desperate and bitter our struggle is to fill that void by unhealthy relationships (to ourselves, humans, substances, behaviours), because we aren’t satisfied by getting imperfect love and joy and don’t settle for less, but keep craving that non-existing one (believing that we cannot be loved honestly in sane connections anyway).
It’s like the red pill-blue pill or the apple of knowledge dilemma. We get a taste of that feeling and it makes us hopelessly long for it forever but still, life would be a lot more dim and shallow without experiencing something so unearthly.
I didn’t know true love until I had my daughter. I know that may be a different type of love, but maybe not. I have yet to discover if it’s possible within a relationship. Hope so One day.
Good question. The only thing I can think to say is that there is a difference between unconditional love and being accepting of rotten behavior just because you love someone. Even in a love relationship you can state what isn’t and is acceptable.
I think that depends on if we are taking about mentally or physically or emotionally. I think mentally we can obtain unconditional love but often life is complicated so physically and emotionally aligning our actions with that isn’t easy as easy. We might lash our in a moment of anger or frustration or sadness and our actions and emotions don’t always align with that mental understanding we have. None of us are perfect.
You can continue to love someone while understanding that some days they are an a-hole. I don’t think it is unconditional then. I think there is always something someone could do to make me say “I’m out”.
In a way, I think that is unconditional love (getting out) too. Love is not the absence of boundaries. And love of self is essential, first and foremost. If boundaries and self love aren’t or can’t be there in a relationship (or a-hole-ness is high), leaving it is an act of love.
To me, anyway.
EDIT: therapist has told me repeatedly that we can only love out of our freedom, when we are free to do so. Sometimes, some days, it might feel more like work, or more of a choice than an emotion! But it makes more sense to me as time goes on…
Good point.
When I first read the question I was thinking of my relationship with my sister. She got very angry when I didn’t applaud her when she picked a fight in a bar because “I’m her sister and should love her unconditionally”. That was my first experience with my um, no moment for unconditionality.
Boundaries are the root of self-love I think.
I lower my bar and expectations of myself hugely where love-of-siblings is involved.
I think you’re right, sometimes it can’t be unconditional - at least “actively” or in-relationship unconditional love. Maybe the best we can do sometimes is withdraw from some relationships as an act of love for ourselves, and wish the other well on their journey…
(I might’ve found a question to stump my therapist and WIN! )
It is a good question to mull over for the day. I would bet many hours have been spent pondering this by philosophers. 🩷
Before boundaries I would have died for some people. Now I understand that I have to keep myself alive.
I don’t think that unconditional love and boundaries are a contradiction. I can love a person without placing the condition on them how I expect them to behave, but I can put strong boundaries in which way I will interact with that person depending on their behaviour. So my love may be without conditions, but my boundaries and how I enact them are not.
I am grateful for the replies here. I think boundaries and forgiveness do play important roles. Self acceptance, self love. Acceptance of faults, my own and others, as part of the human condition. Much to ponder.
The only time in my life that I have come close to being able to practice unconditional love has been the last 2 years of my recovery. Its only since understanding the concept of non-attachment, that I have been able to start to let love seep past places where judgement, intolerance, and blame may have lived before. Imagine being able to be, just be, in a place where you are equanimous and unfettered. That’s where unconditional love is found. I’m still learning and although I love many people and myself without conditions, unconditional love for the general population still takes work. I just keep surrendering because every time I surrender I find a deeper level of something amazing, I am never let down.
for me, unconditional Love is not of this world. it’s not in the human world of boundaries and judgment or anything else a human animal requires for survival. it’s not even of human “love”, in which pain and disappointment and rules and terms & conditions are all expected. to me, unconditional Love is spiritual. you’d let your body die for its honor.
example: trigger warning: i was once attacked on the street by a random woman who pushed me down and stomped me in the neck repeatedly. in that moment i was overcome with this “otherworldly” unconditional Love. as i was being pummeled all i could feel was Love for this person. i felt the mania of her agony and i felt such a deep care for her. to me, that’s unconditional Love. it’s transcendent - in that moment i was transformed beyond the realm of human survival and into a spiritual realm of boundariless Love, acceptance and surrender.
unconditional Love is a state of being, not something we practice when we feel like it. it’s not something we have to analyze and consider doing or not doing - then it would be conditional, wouldn’t it? unconditional Love transcends the way we have been programmed to survive as humans. it exists in the realm of indivisible compassion. can you Love the person who hurt you, or hurt your family member? i can. and i do.
it’s possible to Love unconditionally only if you’re willing to awaken your heart beyond survival-based biological programming and into the spiritual realm of the united Beingness of Love, which means you recognize the interconnectedness and sacredness of all things and you respect all life, all living things regardless of the appearance of their behavior. you’ve transcended duality, you don’t judge. you only Love. unconditional Love is the only kind that surpasses human suffering, but still, it’s not a path most would care to travel.
I honestly don’t know.
I have fallen out of love with people and I have continued to love others that I’ve moved on from but I think its always conditional.
I was raised in the Church in the 80s when withdrawal of love was a common punishment so my early experience with love was mostly conditional. I don’t think I’ve ever felt unconditional love. Well that is just sad.
Maybe there are people incapable of LOVE. Withdrawal of affection and withdrawal of permission and withdrawal of care is just manipulation and power.
Or maybe love, the word, becomes defunct as a concept and construct. I loved a lot of toys as a child but was careless with them. I love the colour green. I love Jessica Lange.
Shouldn’t we all take the words RESPECT and CHERISH into account moreso than love?
One day.
)
🩷
trigger warning: i was once attacked on the street by a random woman who pushed me down and stomped me in the neck repeatedly. in that moment i was overcome with this “otherworldly” unconditional Love. as i was being pummeled all i could feel was Love for this person. i felt the mania of her agony and i felt such a deep care for her. to me, that’s unconditional Love. it’s transcendent - in that moment i was transformed beyond the realm of human survival and into a spiritual realm of boundariless Love, acceptance and surrender.