Then, I had to exert much energy and discipline in order to say “no” to the drink that matters…the first drink.
Now, as I approach 2.5 years of sobriety, I can use this energy and discipline to being better in so many other areas, and even just be still sometimes, rest, be at peace.
I think it’s now a matter of I won’t drink, because I don’t drink. I have become a non-drinker.
Ok. Here we go. I’ll try to keep this shortish.
Hi, my name is Derek and I’m an alcoholic. My sobriety date is November 2, 2017. I have a sponsor, who has a sponsor. I work the steps and take other men through the steps who are willing.
I believe I was born an alcoholic. I have never drank like a “normal person”. I took my first drink at 10 years old and instantly fell in love. The details of that night are fuzzy, but I know I drank too much. Which for me was still not enough. From that day forward my goal in life was chasing the next one. Chasing a better one. My drinking increased from as often as I could find it, to every weekend, to every day. Throughout middle school and high school I slowly added more, and stronger, drugs to the mix. Despite all this I actually had a great high school experience. By the time I graduated I was drinking and getting stoned every day.
Unlike some alcoholics I did not drink because of an underlying trauma. But I did get trauma from my years of drinking and drug abuse. My freshman year of college my drinking reached more dangerous levels. That year was spent mostly in a blackout. Including a couple of underage drinking charges. This was also the first time someone commented on the excess of my drinking.
My behavior also became more erratic. I dropped out of college, started doing hard drugs almost daily, and eventually selling/trafficking drugs. It wasn’t long until I became addicted to heroin. I was 21 years old. During this time I also renrolled in, and graduated college. I was accepted in to law school shortly after. A month after that I was set up and arrested for intent to distribute. Rather than lose my future I agreed to become a CI. The police wanted the guy above me (who had been involved in setting me up) and I helped. I have no regrets.
After a pretty shitty detox from heroin I began law school, with the intent of getting my shit together. I was still drinking and drugging, but staying away from the dope. Within a few months I began selling pot. And for the next 4 years I maintained a fairly shaky status quo. I was intoxicated almost constantly, but not really getting hit with the consequences. However, this disease is progressive and I started doing heroin again, then crack. I graduated law school in 2011. In December of 2015 the gig was up. I was caught stealing $5,000 from a friend. I agreed to pay her back rather than her go to the police, but I had no money of my own. I came clean to my parents and girlfriend at that time, with the addicts promise to go to rehab. Tomorrow. I manipulated the situation for almost 4 months until I was forced in to my first rehab.
At this time I still didn’t believe I truly had a problem. My first relapse started with a beer and ended with a 9 month run that saw me lose my house, 2 jobs and my relationship. I wound up homeless. I was able to get back in to rehab with the help of the organization I now work for. However I did not treat my mental health at all and wound up homeless and high again. This time the world had cut me off. I had considered suicide every day, but God has different plans.
I wound up back in rehab. Completely broken and completely lost. After 31 days my insurance stopped paying and I had to leave. I was still homeless without a penny to my name. I ended up staying in an apartment with 2 addicts who drank and used all day, everyday. I slept on a filthy couch and my clothes were in a garbage bag. My personal hygiene was terrible and I had no hope.
However, I was able to find a nearby AA clubhouse, where I spent most of my time. Despite my unkempt appearance the old timers took me under their wing. I was able to get in to IOP and go to 3 meetings a day (including NA).
The next step was housing. I was able to move in to a supportive living unit and get on public assistance. Once I was stably housed I got a job. Once I got some money I moved in with a friend from AA. Then I bought a nice set of clothes and got a better job.
Currently, I have 2 beautiful children, an amazing wife and a nice house in the suburbs.
And none of that stuff will keep me sober. Let me repeat that. Outside things will not keep me sober.
My journey in sobriety has not always been easy. I’ve had bad experiences, I’ve created problems and I’ve made mistakes. But this entire time I’ve been able to rely on my higher power and the 12 steps. I was a hopeless drug addict with track marks up and down my arms and dirty clothes. But once I followed suggestions and worked a program my life improved. The steps have gotten me so much more than being sober. They have given me a life worth living.
I remember the day I got out of my last rehab I was terrified. The van dropped me off at my parents house and they were at work. There was beer in the fridge. And despite not wanting to drink at all, I knew I was going to. But before I did, I dropped down on my hands and knees and begged God to help me. I prayed and cried for the next hour. But I didn’t drink. God gave me a chance and I didn’t waste it. I was able to dance with my mother at my wedding. A dance she was sure she was never going to have. That’s what it is like today.
Thank you.
Truest truth.
I’m just a garden variety drunk.
Thankyou Derek for your story I could relate to so much of it especially being so addicted to heroin and being homeless. Thank God your here today to help so many other people like myself. God bless you x
@EarnIt asked me to copy my post from the check in thread here. So here it is. Just some of my thoughts on one year of sobriety. Hope to expand on it later.
One year. Thanks so much for all the love and congrats I got from you all today. It means a lot.
For me it really started a year ago when I hadn’t drank for ten days or so. After being in the bar and not drinking there I thought let’s get a bottle of wine. I took it home and drank it. It didn’t take me very long. Finished it before midnight. I thought well that wasn’t very special. I might as well really quit this time. So I did. It really wasn’t more complicated than that and I think that’s actually one of the keys to my success in staying sober so far.
One year later I’m proud and very happy I quit when I did. I think I would not be alive had I gone on drinking. Still these last weeks have been really hard. Stuff that happens hits me hard. Both in the world at large and in my own little one.
So much of my own feelings, emotions, ways of being and ways of handling stuff I don’t understand. So much frustration, so much unhappiness, so much anxiety and stress. Having to face all this unfiltered, sober and clean. It’s hard.
Part of my stress in the last weeks has been this milestone coming. I didn’t even understand that until now. I feel huge relieve. Being praised and getting attention is OK for me I guess, but the prospect of getting praise and attention is totally abhorrent. I don’t understand myself at all in this respect, and in many more.
So much work to do. Being sober is just the start. And a year of sobriety is just the start. It’s an absolute prerequisite to make any progress though. For me and for all of us here. I’m a work in progress. Yay for that!
I’m on my own road. 12 Step programs weren’t for me. Yet. They still might one day. I feel too much distance in groups, and too much closeness at the same time. I need to work on feeling less isolated from the rest of humanity first I feel. And I just took the first steps that might take me there, getting thoroughly diagnosed and being referred to a thorough therapy that might work for me.
Talking Sober works for me right now. Being online gives me a bit of distance between me and the world. For me that’s safety. Being able to retract into my own shell when I need to feel safe. And still feeling the connection and togetherness that I crave and need at the same time. Being together as good as I can be right now. And working on getting better at being together and being more connected. You all will never know how much I owe all of you. In my heart forever. All of you. Thanks so much. On we go. Onward and upward. One day at a time. It’s not a bad place I’m in right now. Love from my place.
Amazing work on one year and thank you for sharing those reflections here! The check in thread is too busy for me to keep up with.
I hear you on there being more work to do - that is true for all of us and that is a realisation that for me at least has been hard to accept. But do take a minute to reflect on all you’ve done! Feeling the feels, learning things about yourself, feeling confused and unsure, taking steps to get the support and finding your own path for the recovery you need. That’s awesome.
I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to thoughtfully share your stories. These stories are beyond helpful to those struggling. Thank you.
Beautiful share Sian! 
Aaarrhh, Menno! I missed this man!
Congratulations on the year bud.
Now to find out what else I’ve missed.
Welcome back @anon12657779 I was thinking about you this very morning. Which is strange, since you haven’t been active in the time I’ve been active on here and I only know you from old posts
A man a man a word a word right. It’s July. Here you are. Very happy to see you Geoff. Welcome back. Hope you’re good.
Hello Fungus, how are you my friend!
Hello Jan. Nice to meet you. I’m glad that I’ve been of some use my friend!
All good here Menno.
Good luck catching up, I struggle with the daily check in thread if I miss a couple of days!
I’ve decided not to bother. I’ll find things out as I go along.
Hey Daz,
How you doing?
