Ok fuck it here I go.
Why did I drink: Now this is a embarkation from what many people including myself think or have thought.
I used to think I drank because I was happy, sad, angry or bored, childhood trauma, adult trauma, et al…
The real reason I drank was to feel ease and comfort which for me was the effect of alchohol.
Some of the gory details:
My family was forced to endure nightly tirades of verbal abuse as I drank vodka at first with water and then straight from a whole glass. I drank this way for about 3 years. The family got to see a pretty nasty side of me that they had never seen.
FIRST BREAKING POINT:
One weekend I was in the middle of a spree and my wife left with the kids. I drank hard and over slept.
I showed up for work after drinking the night before 2 hrs late and reeking of booze. I was taken to employee health way too drunk not to agree to go and blew a .279 bac.
From there I went to rehab where I talked myself out of there after 3 days. The night I left I was taken to a AA meeting and got my first sponser.
Within a week I was fired.
Second Breaking Point:
I managed to stay clean for almost 3 months where I promptly relapsed hard. One of the few memories I have of that weekend was my youngest daughter walking up to me and telling me to fuck off. I didn’t say a word and they left. I was happy that they did because I was going to drink like I had never drank before.
I proceeded to buy to handles of Smirnoff and I guzzled it down and blacked out. When I awoke I drank to black out again.
When I finally awoke I thought it was Monday but my wife who brought my drinking buddy to the house looked at me in shock because it was Thursday. They left taking every credit card, and means of transportation with them. I was alone for almost two weeks.
I don’t think I slept for that time either. I would try to close my eyes and I would have hallucinations. Horrible things. I could see patterns of art in the carpet and I heard horrible noises coming from outside the bedroom door and the closet.
Eventually my family came to visit me. I could barely walk or talk. I was a mess.
Things start to get better
I had one friend from AA that I didnt tell to fuck off and he took me from meeting to meeting every night. He also took me to a retreat where one of his sponsees seized and had to be taken to a hospital via ambulance.
Time passed and I was getting better both physically and mentally. I started working on my way of thinking ( we call it the 12 steps.) It didnt make a whole lot sense to me but I was desperate not to drink again so I thought fuck it I’ll do it.
I took a job out of state where I lived on my own and somehow managed to stay sober. Partly out of fear and partly because I was killing my family. I had this mantra where I assumed responsibility for everything. That was REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME. Mind you it wasn’t a fully formed livable concept. If I was angry about something then it was my fault that I was angry. That worked but if it rained that was my fault to. That shit is martyrdom and that does not work long term.
Another point that’s really important. I DIDN’T DRINK. Walking down the grocery aisle freaked me out. I would stare at the floor and jet out of there.
I went to meetings, I stayed on TS and somehow stayed sober.
Then I moved home and my family was happy that I was back and I was happy to be there. I am still happy and grateful to be home.
So what do you call a horse thief that is a drunk who gives up drinking? A horse thief!
I wasn’t drinking but I had some of those same alcoholic thoughts. Pain is a great motivator for me so I started working the steps of AA and just like our book says other people will start noticing the change before you do and that happened to me.
Where I am at now
It was slow and subtle and it eventually got to the point where I called my sponsor up and said. “Hey everything is going really well and its freaking me out” his response was "that’s peace and serenity. Keep working and you will know more of it.
Fuck man. Peace and serenity was so unusual I couldn’t recognize it. Someone had to tell me what I was experincing.
My hope for you:
I am a drunk just like you. I am not unique and though you may think you are you are not. So if I can get sober so can you and if I can know peace and serenity so can you.
My life is comfortable and I enjoy it being that way.
I hope those of you who read and those who dont can eventually feel the same way.
Lastly, If I ever drink again it will be because I choose to do it. I can no longer blame any of it on any outside problem big or small.