Maybe emotionally isn’t the best word. I was thinking about what to answer. I think when I was drinking I was stuck. All problems I had were nails as I only had a hammer to solve them. I was not forgiving people. They were potentially hurting me. I needed to protect myself from being hurt. I isolated a lot. I was passive aggressive a lot. Now, I learn everyday to integrate different aspects into my reality. There is no black and white. People can hurt me unintentionally for example as it is my blind spot. I still struggle with reacting impulsively rather than take a breath, step back. Let the initial feeling rush through. Think. Things like this.
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@petzam For me therapy has been the key so far. And I needed to be sober to start that. I tried therapy a couple of times before, but when I was still under the influence that got me absolutely nowhere. Once I was sober for a bit (6 months or so) I first got diagnosed properly, and based on that diagnosis I started a fitting form of therapy, schema therapy based on a diagnosis of mixed personality disorder, part avoidant, part borderline.
Schema therapy gave me a lot of insight. I didn’t like it and it was hard work. I had a goal though. I wanted to change my life. My life had developed in the direction of an early grave. I learned here and in face to face meetings that Recovery takes work. So I kept pushing because I understood without that work I would be stuck where I was for 40 years. Or worse. In the last phase of active addiction my suicidal ideations grew pretty strong.
Like I said schema therapy gave me insight into why I function like I function, namely like a kid. A kid who trusts no one, believes no one, and that included myself. What I mean by becoming an adult is learning to understand myself, why this happened and how I function. My parents neglected me emotionally, maybe not through a fault of their own but very true nonetheless. That fucked me up.
I was sexually abused by a teacher in elementary school which fucked me up even worse. I learned in schema therapy what those things -and how I reacted to it- formed me into the dysfunctional addict I was. I never could feel anything but shit inside. Which I buried under a layer of alcohol and drugs so I didn’t have to feel.
And now I am doing trauma focused therapy, and trying to actually process what happened and give a new direction to my life. It’s hard to explain but it’s working. It’s finally growing up. By understanding myself. By learning to feel my feelings. By re-establishing the connection between my brain and my body I learn to trust myself. By learning to trust myself I’m learning to trust others. By trusting myself and others I am learning to form relationships with others that are actually open and equal, which is something I was never able to do.
A phrase that is not from myself but that is fundamental to my journey through sobriety and life in general now: the opposite of addiction is connection. Healthy adults are able to connect. With themselves and with others. Real connections. Hope that answers your questions a bit.
PS. Here’s the link to my one year post. Quite a difference with today. What it was like then and what it's like for us now. For those with a year of sobriety - #123 by Mno
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Now I wanted to add something which is very important to me. I changed a lot how I manage my diabetes. It used to be like a stubborn little child and I answered aggressive leading to a rollercoaster of my sugars which made me so frustrated.
Very early I made the equation: alcohol prevents glucose liberation by liver. How cool is that. Well, never worked out.
Hormones play such a huge role also which I never wanted to accept. So in what I changed is better accepting my conditions. And by accepting them managing it better.
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