How did you know your sponsor was who you wanted to work with? What questions would you suggest someone seeking a sponsor ask, and what would you look for? I’m a weirdo magnet and I just don’t want to end up in an unhealthy relationship with my sponsor.
I’m at the point where I know I need to seek a sponsor. I’m 6 months in and I’ve been feeling very isolated in my recovery. I’m irritable and closing myself off, and I know that places me at high risk. So I need to develop a support network that includes someone to help me work the steps. It’s a little different because I do phone meetings. I would typically be noticing things like open body language and facial expressions but I can’t here. So I’ve got a list of numbers of people for outreach as well as a few potential sponsors. And I have no idea what I’m doing with them.
My biggest concern as a sponsor is having the time to work with a sponsee. I’ve stopped offering to identify as a sponsor in meetings. I don’t see my job to be 24/7 on call for a sponsee, but rather to be sure we can both dedicate the time to the relationship and the step work, and I’m too busy with other service and my life and family to be effective right now.
For my sponsors, I’ve chosen men who are calm and serene, not necessarily for what they say but for what they do and how they approach life. They have what I want. I’ve been sober 13+ years, have always had a sponsor and have only had 3 and one temporary when sponsor #2 went around the world for a year. I call my sponsor 3-4 times a week.
I don’t like to give advice but in this case I will. Choose someone who suggests a specific way to work the steps that includes writing, and someone who has a sponsor. Your sponsor will need to discuss your case with someone, so their having a sponsor can be key.
Good luck in your quest. Blessings on your house .
I didn’t. When my first sponsor moved (who chose me), I simply put my name in my homegroup’s box. Dunno if that’s a thing for the online groups?
I knew I’d spend too much time seeking, so called it an exercise in letting go. Though also I was trying hard in general to surrender (if that’s a thing ) as I felt my own discernment was still a little upside down.
Mine chose me! She came up to me after my second meeting, asked if I had a sponsor and when I said I did not, she handed me her number and told me to call her at 4:00pm the next day. I did, and she has been my sponsor since.
Having said that, it is next to impossible to reach her. I’ve done my step work in fits and starts and run it by her when I can get her on the phone. I still call her every day at 4:00pm, but she might answer one time out of fifteen.
I certainly don’t want or need my sponsor to be my whole program - but I’d love to talk with mine more than I do. I’ve made two friends in the program who I can usually reach pretty quickly if I’m having a rough day or am conflicted about a situation. I get together for coffee or dinner with one of these ladies about every other week.
I’ve been told to listen in meetings and find someone who seems to have what you want. Ask if and how they sponsor. Are they available on an “as needed basis,” or do they see step work as a process with which they want to be actively involved? See if it sounds like a good match for what you need. Agree on a regularly scheduled time to meet or talk.
I am keeping my eyes open for a change in sponsor. The lovely and oh-so-wise @BondJaneBond tells me that I will know her when the time is right.️
The idea that @MoCatt and @SinceIAwoke have shared to find someone who has what you want sounds really sound. I think I’ll reach out to the women I got numbers for but also keep catching numbers on calls. I just feel like it’s a very significant relationship, and I made an art form of getting into significant relationships with the wrong people.
For me, what was suggested to me when I was early was not necessarily to look for someone who has what I want, but to look for someone who has what they want. Personalities aside, someone who works a strong program and enjoys the life they have in sobriety. Someone who has that twinkle in their eye, like they truly are happy and are comfortable in their own skin. I asked a woman to be my sponsor almost two years ago because everyone at the meeting kept recommending her to me. And I don’t regret it one bit. It’s uncomfortable asking someone to be your sponsor, or for help at all, in my experience anyways, but it’s totally worth it.
What I found, is that I heard a woman share, and I could relate so much, I knew I wanted what she had. The peace and serenity. She has been sober almost as long as I have been alive, but once I listened to her share, I knew she would be my best fit and she absolutely is!
@MoCatt makes a great point about developing deep sober friendships. I’ve had two or three over the years. These are your peers, the ones who know your name so that when you get sick and in the hospital they can spread the word in the recovery community.
One last advice seems appropriate, even if it’s obvious. Stay away from any sponsor relationship that has any romance attaching to it in your head. If you’re a straight woman, select a woman.
But also, do not delay because your choice isn’t perfect. You can always change sponsors, the important bit is to start!
I went to as many meetings as possible and listened. I looked for someone that they had what I wanted in my sobriety. Like my sponsor now has 20 years, shes up front and honest. Ask how much time they have, of course. But I didnt need someone to beat around the Bush. I needed someone who was going to keep it real and hold me accountable. And someone with availability. I can tell you I’ve gotten sponsors in the past whom just didnt have the time for me. being new in recovery, I needed someone to talk to almost daily. So maybe ask what there work schedule is like.
I’ve been lucky twice. And the one time I wasn’t it was pretty obviously from the start that it was a bad fit and I quickly cut it off. What worked for me was look for an emotional connection and somebody that I could to open up to. And give it time. The right person will show up for you! Maybe try some new meetings if you aren’t finding anyone.
Well, now I am going to take my own advice. My sponsor can no longer sponsor me due to health/life issues. So I need to sponsor-shop again. I plan to give it time and not stress out about it!
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) as I felt my own discernment was still a little upside down.
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and this describes his draw pretty well.