Hi there! I’m 30 days sober today! It feels really good to put that out there, because I haven’t opened up to anyone in my life about this so far. I guess I am afraid people will judge me if I tell them I think I have a problem and shouldn’t drink. Maybe I will get more confident and not care about anyone’s opinion down the road, but for now I am keeping this to myself.
I am looking for a little advice about a particular situation, because maybe someone else has been in my position. As I said, not ready to bring up being sober. Well tonight, I am going over a friend’s house for dinner. Now typically, this would involve a beer or cocktail within minutes of being through the door. We’d knock back a few over the course of a few hours while hanging out and chatting. This is not an extremely close friend, that I feel comfortable saying “no thanks, I’ve stopped drinking” because I know she would bombard with questions and probably downplay my issue because she’s a big drinker. Also, she’s my ex’s sister, so I worry that she’ll gossip to his family, etc. I don’t have many friends where I live, because I made a rather foolish decision a few years ago (alcohol played a part in this) to move across the country for a relationship and now I’m pretty well stuck here… but my question is, what can I say to deflect her from pushing me to drink? Last time I used studying as an excuse, but it’s a Saturday so not as relevant. I feel pretty strongly about not drinking anymore, so I won’t do it but it would be nice to have an easy excuse to avoid a conversation a don’t feel ready for. Does anyone else keep their sobriety to themselves? Sorry for the long post. Thanks for reading!
This is a great post because I think it probably affects a number of people here who have been able to manage semi-normal lives while drinking too much. I am definitely in that category. I run a business, have things “going”, but people don’t know about me spending all weekend drunk or being hungover and texting my office that “Oh, I forgot to mention I have a meeting this morning with a prospective customer” and going back to bed.
I am not someone who wants to say “I have a drinking problem and I cannot drink anymore” in mixed company because you are saying you’ve lost control. Most people, reasonable people, will not judge you but there is always one who will push for answers and not let it go, which can be extremely awkward and difficult. I remember last time I went through this being at gatherings such as a Christmas party and every so often someone is getting a round of drinks and it’s constantly “Oh that’s right, Brian isn’t drinking” “Hey Brian, why aren’t you drinking again??” So annoying.
I have been saying that I’m trying to loose weight (on a special diet) and laugh it off with a pat on the belly. Obviously this works a lot better if you have a few pounds you can stand to loose. I’ve also said I’m meeting someone related to work later and that always seems to work fine.
I think after awhile I will be able to say “You know I just don’t like the way it makes me feel anymore” and not reveal the depths of the problem. That is not anybody’s business but my own.
Bring your own drinks, like a nice seltzer, something enjoyable to drink. I just discovered La Croix😍 then when she offers you a drink say no you’re on meds or can’t drink because you have a medical test coming up for stomach issues. As you’re saying this hand her your drinks to pour for you.
Well congrats on 30 days that is awesome! I don’t think you have to make up an excuse to not drink…it’s your life & decision to focus on you! I’m 15 days sober today myself and going to a party tonight first social and I’m drinking water at a bar and I don’t care what anyone thinks, I look it as I don’t have a problem, I just don’t drink well…so why do it? To apease my friends…no need to do that. Go to your dinner Enjoy trust me after her 2nd cocktail she won’t even have a clue. Good luck and stay strong you got this!
Thank you for your response! I have struggled for so long, going through periods of thinking I need to cut back or should just stop. Of not liking how I behaved while drinking or feeling regret about time I feel like I’ve wasted being drunk or recovering from being drunk. But on the outside, I probably don’t look much different to my friends than they are. Maybe one day I’ll feel more comfortable saying that I don’t drink and be able to handle any response, but I’m definitely not there yet.
I know you are right, and it’s not something I should be ashamed of but I guess I still am. I would never judge anyone else for having a problem, but I judge myself. Anyway, thanks for your reply!
On this point, agree nobody should be ashamed of not drinking, or have to justify it. However for those who would rather not deal with the nosey Nellie’s or people who are obtuse and don’t understand that it’s not exactly something we want to talk about all the time - or in front of people who maybe we don’t want to know we have experienced a drinking problem. Often, especially if people are drinking they may not perceive thier own pushiness and keep wanting to prod. It makes sense to me to have a “go to” excuse to avoid the exchange entirely. I think this thread is helpful for that.
My wife doesn’t drink, never has, shes allergic to it. She also goes to 4 or 5 conferences a year where there are always parties. She goes to the parties and people ask her what they can get her to drink, she either declined or asks for water.
She just got back from a convention in Chicago this past Wednesday, so I asked her what do people say when she declines. She said, most people just say ok. One person asked why shes not drinking. She told him it’s really none of your business, but she said shes allergic.
I always say just “thanks, but no thanks” covers you most of the times. Even when its family or friends.
Wow. I can really relate to your words. I did a similar thing but my drinking was manageable back home and then I moved to a new city under the influence of a guy (although yes, my foolishness) and now I am stuck here also. It’s hard to make friends when you are so depressed anxious too and I feel I have been acting really out of character. I want to work to save money to move back. But I have to try and make the best of this and it’s easier said than done. I have a hard time saying no to people when I am out even if I don’t intend to drink before going out. I need to be stronger in this because I feel my mindset and life can only improve. It’s just easier said than done sometimes
Ok it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one. Since making this decision ive been doing some reading, listening and thinking about the subject a lot. Ive started following some sober profiles on instagram for extra motivation. I see other people being so open and think that’s amazing, but also, I don’t think I could ever put it all out there like that. I am definitely overthinking it!
It’s allready been said a lot here that you should just say no and be open about your situation and I agree with that.
But in my opinion when or to whom you talk about your sobriety is up to you and there is no use in rushing it. I’m 40 days sober and I’ve told some people I’m close to, but there are still lots of people in my life I haven’t told. In some situations I felt safe enough to tell the truth in others I didn’t and sometimes I just wanted to avoid the inevitable discussion.
Also it’s a lot more difficult to just say no without an explenation to people who know you would usually drink than to say no to strangers or people who have only known you sober.
Three excuses I’ve successfully used are:
Driving
I’m trying to lose some weight
I’ve just recovered from a cold and don’t want to risk getting sick again
Yeah. K.I.S.S. my favorite thing. Keep it simple stupid. Most often said to myself
As others have said a simple no thanks works for me. If they ask i do tell them now that i just dont drink anymore. Thats about it. I used to worry anout what people might think, but thats none of my business. As long as im sober and healthy i could give a shit about any body elses opinions.
It is so tough, especially being far from friends and family that would be supportive. This is my first day actually interacting with people on here, and I’m finding it to be more helpful than I expected. I might consider attending a meeting down the road… it’s tough because i have a young son that I mostly take care of alone. But ive seen that there are online meetings as another option. I struggle with anxiety as well, it’s at an all time high right now, but I know alcohol won’t help. Thanks for responding!
