While I was deep in the misery of early sobriety having relapse after relapse I was able to talk the talk and advise other people what they should be doing but I was never able to walk the walk myself. Now I’ve found some stability in my recovery my brain is very fickle and I forget how hard it was and the emotions I felt and have begun to feel distance between other alcoholics and addicts and I am increasingly finding it difficult to say the right thing to offer support. I used to have a nightly thread a while back and I’m going to go back and look at my old posts, struggles and feelings and every so often write on here what I did about it then and what I do about it now. My experience, strength and hope if you like. I Hope that one person out there might relate and find something in the words that may help them. Until then - Have a great sober day people of the world.
To people like us 1 week of sobriety is absolutely massive in fact it borders on the impossible and I couldn’t wait to reach that goal. Almost there and full of confidence, I had cracked it and I’m never going to drink again. ‘Spoiler alert’ It was a year and a day later that I took my last drink but if you had asked me then if I was going to drink again I would have promised you with my hand on my heart “Never, not me”
Now I don’t have the goal to be sober tommorow or next week all that matters really is right now. Yes one week is a miracle but so is today and everyday. 10 years is no more or less amazing than Day 1, People say day 1 is the most important day of the beginning of a new life but I had hundreds of day 1s and TBH it has been all the days after that I have learnt all the lessons I needed to learn. If you ask me now if I will ever drink again I would reply " I’ve not got a clue, I’ve definitely got another drink in me but I’m not sure I’ve got another recovery" Be under no disillusions about the power of addiction, maintain a daily routine that works for you and never forget what you are. This doesn’t mean living in the past bc the good news is that WHAT you are is not WHO you are it’s learning on a daily basis a way to live a life to become who you want to become. Have a great day
Upon reading that thread, some things I observed was how others were so compassionate and encouraging to you.
And then one day, it seemed like you transformed. From someone that dreaded a life without alcohol to one that was loving the new sober life. And you stopped craving. Your desires truly shifted.
What a great example. That thread is inspirational. Thank you, Paul.
Yeah, it can be amazing how we forget. The tiredness, the desperation, the dread of life. Such a change!
YAY Paul’s back at his best . Look forward to this 
I couldn’t be a good father bc alcohol had given me an easier option. I could have contacted them but alcohol told me I wasn’t good enough for them but as long as I could drink and take drugs it was all going to be OK.
20 years passed by and sobriety had started to help me see things a bit more clearly and some self worth gave me some confidence and I’m not sure of the exact moment but all of a sudden I was talking to my 2 daughters and arranging to meet them and my son.
Now I contact my 2 girls every morning and every evening even if it’s just good morning and goodnight as long as they know they are in my thoughts. As for my son when we met it was too hard for him and we still have a long way to go and may never get there.
Remember that when you become sober it’s only you and your attitude that is changing not everyone else’s. Yes we want to stand there and go "look at me, look what I can do ’ but we have to earn the trust of many a long time before we get to love or even friendship. We broke it, only we can try to fix it.
Meditation, that hippy shit om chanting mumbo jumbo. The big book of AA will tell you its to improve our conscious contact with God.
Regardless of what it was I had got to the point of everything I had tried before had failed and I was now getting desperate. I didn’t like sitting with a head full of memories I didn’t like it at all.
Now I can choose to meditate anywhere just by taking a few deep breaths either when work or people are getting stressful or just annoyed and I don’t know why. it’s good to get into moments of YOU time as soon as you can in recovery, watch your thoughts and emotions and find where they come from and watch them disappear just as quickly to make room for the next one. During this time you may find an answer to a certain situation, could this be God’s will, either way its worth listening very closely to your soul bc if it comes from the heart and makes you feel a little uncomfortable it’s generally what needs to be done.
We spent to long taking the easy option.
About a month into sobriety I decided I was ready to change the world, quit smoking weed and tobacco, new diet, join gym, learn guitar, do community work. Yep I was ready for anything. Everyone of these lasted about a week or so and the more I failed in these areas of my life I think looking back I was setting myself up for a big fall with alcohol. There’s a saying in AA “Take it easy” and in hindsight a little less pressure to suddenly be great at everything would have been a wise choice.
Now I’m not saying don’t have ambition but slow down a bit and, take it easy, Your going to be sober a long time so the last thing you want is to mentally burn out in the first few months bc your gonna need some of that mental energy for the occasional tricky day. How can you change the world if you can’t even change yourself.
And there it all is 'The addict mind’one of many relapses of weed and the excuses and procrastination. I was tired, it was Xmas, I’ll start again tommorow and I’m convinced this will be the time.
Today I have 101 reasons to get drunk or whatever today I’m very aware of the times I should be drunk on yesterday’s thinking but experience has taught me that 1- it’s never solved anything in my life and 2- alcohol was the problem in the first place.(actually I was the problem but 99 of my worries went away when I stopped drinking)
We don’t have to carry the worries of the world and we certainly don’t have to concern ourselves with what other people think and do bc that is their reality and we have ours. Also don’t put off until tommorow what you can do today. You are never going to get another shot at today, right now is the most precious thing you have so makes sense to be sober and be present.
Shut your eyes for 10 seconds and open them… blink to long and your life has just gone.
OMG, everything that existed on the planet was a trigger for me so much so that there would be times of just siting at home staring at the walls completely bored out of my mind bc there was nothing to do that I enjoyed without beer. I’ve never done anything without drugs and alcohol. Some people say “oh I just want to be the old me again” but I had no old me, life before alcohol was puberty, the only thing I knew how to do was get wasted.
So yes sacrifices were going to have to be made I would have to miss some family occasions, not visit certain friends who I know could convince me to have one last session just for old times sake, gaming went, sport went, guitar went, meals out went.
Now after a step at a time I have nearly everything back and apart from the occasional day I don’t associate it all with drinking but some things I never got back bc they don’t add anything to my life as I discovered I was only doing them in the first place to accompany my drink and drugs.
So to stay sober I only had to change one thing. Everything.
The lack of sleep in the first month or so was rough especially with work on top of it but the good news was I didn’t actually need so much as I wasn’t trying to sleep off the day before. If you read up about chemicals and substances you add to your body you’ll find you’ve not actually had a proper night’s sleep for years. Things will settle down and then you get to go through the strange realistic dreams and the dreams of using and waking up not knowing what the hell is going on. This is all normal. So solutions, they’re all the obvious ones with no quick fix I’m afraid - Hot baths, camomile tea, long walk or exercise, less screen time and a good one that worked for me was concentrating only on my breathing, in deep and slowly out just like meditation and in time you will slowly drift off.
Wow thank you for this topic it remind me so much and it is inspiring. Keep up with the good work.
After around a month of sobriety I discovered my pink cloud and would be so high on life nothing could touch me. In fact I started to feel lots of emotions that I had never really felt before and I also started to see situations and other people in a new light or through a new pair of glasses. Enjoy the pink cloud while it lasts bc you will come down and when you do you’ll realise that not picking up today is the easy bit and just the start of dealing with things you’ve suppressed for years as well as dealing with life as it is now. Live life on life’s terms and don’t be too hastey in the first year in making life changing decisions. Your partner will change, your job will get annoying and friends will start acting different in your sober company ‘Wrong’ everything is as its always been and the only thing that is changing is you.
It’s going to be lonely at times whilst going through this spiritual change that’s when the company of others who understand is of the upmost of importance and the only person who understands is another alcoholic / addict.
If I offered you free drink or drugs or food or a years subscription to the hottest porn channel you would rip my arm off. Would you be so keen to when offered a free hand of help at a free meeting from people who want nothing in return but your sobriety.
And there it was yet another relapse and blaming everything and everyone else around me and once again taking none of the responsibility. Plenty of self pity and regret but it was never going to be enough to stop me picking up again.
Someone once wrote on here the addict has a 72 hour memory and it’s a pretty accurate observation but alcohol is a progressive illness and the next stage is you know darn well what is about to happen and you still can’t stop yourself.
When you get to the point where you can’t live with it and you can’t live without it you may as well suffer the pain of recovery because at least with time it goes away.
You might not be lucky enough to die of your illness, you might be unlucky enough to live a very long miserable life.
Time is precious and today is a gift that’s why it’s called present.
Oooo it’s Xmas time!!! I remember Xmas and the ghost of Xmas past. 18 months sober and thought 1 glass of wine to toast everyone at a works do couldn’t hurt, chugged the glass down then a few more then stole the bottle then went home and got hammered for 9 months. The following Xmas eve I was sat in an AA meeting crying in front of everyone bc I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t have a drink like everyone else, surely if I wanted to drink I should be allowed to.
The thing is nothing is stopping us from drinking or drugging apart from ourselves, no one else really gives a shit if we do or don’t. They might say they do or act like they do but they don’t feel it like we do, the pain the guilt and shame.
So let’s be clear about this THE 25th DECEMBER IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE 2nd AUGUST. Everything is as it is and by putting labels on things we are setting ourselves up for disaster. You never needed an excuse the other 364 days of the year so don’t kid yourself that this one is special.
If you want special this Xmas be there for someone.
About 30 to 40 days of sobriety was a common place to get cocky for me and always ended in a relapse, I remember kinda thinking if this don’t work out soon I’m going to have to go to AA and TBH the place was full of alcoholics, I’m not that bad yet.
Any experience I had of AA was based on my own knowledge and I knew nothing about it so why did I fear it. Was it bc it meant I might actually have to stop drinking for real or was it just I was too embarrassed to go. Whatever the reason it definitely wasn’t for me.
I was wrong.
Don’t claim you want to stay clean and sober yet not try every available option. You are far from a position to judge others. Don’t sit there feeling sorry for yourself if your not prepared to start taking some positive steps of action.
We’re just a spoilt child in an adults body, it’s time to grow up.
I remember always thinking I could be doing better or I should be feeling happier and while I was having these thoughts I was missing out on the miracle of sobriety.
It’s true about the journey, sobriety is simple we just don’t pick up but if we can’t be grateful and discover new things in life about the world around us and what’s inside us it’s a very short lived journey and always end up getting off at the next stop. Destination Pitysville.
So You know that place your trying to get to your already there, your doing it, the sooner you learn some gratitude the better your life will be.
Enjoy the journey.
It’s an awful situation when every fibre of your body screams at you to stop what you are doing. You know it’s ruining your life and ultimately killing you yet you just can’t stop.
I couldn’t live with it and I couldn’t live without it.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not here to sell you AA, NA, CA, SA bc I never once considered going, in fact I was so far removed from the illness of addiction that I had that TBH I didn’t even give them space in my head to consider them in the first place. I just drank to much that’s the only thing wrong with me. BUT… if I wanted to stop drinking as much as I thought I did which was about 1% more than the fact I wanted to carry on ( I’m an alcoholic so as bad as it got I will always love the idea of drinking and taking drugs - still do - insanity) why wasn’t I prepared to consider every possible option whatever it may be.
In the beginning I believe we don’t want to quit at all it’s just something maybe we should doing but we’ll be OK for a bit longer. Then although we become more urgent in our thoughts we then have too much fear, fear of the unknown, fear of being embarrassed, fear of actually admitting we have a problem and are going to do something about it for the first time.
So if you want to quit and haven’t managed any long term sobriety and there is something you could still try don’t wait. This is your life and you only get one crack at it. If you fear the unknown then go and discover, go and be educated. If you’re too embarrassed WE ALL WERE it’s not like us sort of people to start growing up and asking for help.
Personally I tried absolutely everything that I wanted to try and none of it worked so I did end up at AA, the place I didn’t want to be, and for me I’m still sober today but it may or may not be for you but I can assure you if you can’t stop doing what your doing there is definitely something out there different to what your doing now that you need to be doing and will eventually help you.
Don’t wait until its too late, it’s already too late.
I cannot thank you enough for this post!! I needed this today, matter of fact this very minute!
Every time I relapsed the same thing would happen. First I would start to think I don’t need to do the things that were keeping me sober then I would start to distance myself from the people who were helping me. Little things just began to get annoying, I would tell myself I’m an adult and I can do what I want. I only live once so I might as well enjoy it.
Except I wasn’t enjoying it or not for long anyway or I wouldn’t be trying to stop. Life’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
Start a nightly inventory of your day and look back at it and see any patterns that usually lead up to a relapse. Remember it’s not a weakness asking for help or telling others that you are struggling. Be honest with yourself. Don’t blame outside circumstances for an inside problem. There are no justified resentments.
There will be other days and there will be other feelings so let the hard ones pass bc what’s waiting on the other side is beautiful.