Yesterday was I swear the millionth time I have had to wake up and wait for my husband to tell me what awful things I have done the night before… because I drank myself into a blackout. The outcome always the same violent outbursts, lost because I am driving and don’t know how to get back home, yelled at my kids, punched him in the face, pissed myself, and for no other reason than I just can’t kick this nasty habit.
During my good days I’m a successful student pursuing a degree in biology and hope to move on to a PA program. I have 4 beautiful children and a husband who truly is a damn saint in comparison to myself. I have beat what I feel tougher addictions than this but something about that first few drinks just makes me drink more until I am a pile on the floor.
It’s not fun, I feel like shit for 2 days after these binges and I spend my days embarrassed and ashamed. I have control of everything but this and I am lost, alone, and afraid I am going to die the next binder I go on. I will loose my family and everything I have worked so hard for my whole life.
I am sober now for 29 hours I have tried by myself to no luck so perhaps this will help…
I can’t say enough about getting to AA. It is a place that will do amazing things to help you at this early stage. It did for me I am now 39 months sober. People there will give you unconditional support and love without judging. You can’t do this alone.
I am 14 days sober from being a binge drinking and your story is a lot like mine. I quit because of the adverse health effects I started to feel after some serious binges and worrying about dying and leaving my family. I was scared to tell my wife I quit in case I relapsed. I thought she hadn’t noticed because I rarely let my family actually see me take a shot. Then yesterday she asked me why I quit, and I told her the truth. She took it nonchalantly but it made me very happy just to be able to say it. It also removed the urge to drink for the rest of the night. It is hard but your husband notices and that will make it easier the longer you are sober.
Just get through 3 days. The first 3 are the worst. And write down everything you’re thinking and feeling. Because at some point the devil sitting on your shoulder’s going to pipe up and tell you it’s not really that bad, you were making a big deal out of nothing, you can handle it. He’s a very persuasive little f’r!
I hate those mornings. Lately I’m struggling not to be filled with self loathing as all the horrendous and disgusting things I’ve done intoxicated flush back into my head. Can’t change them but I CAN finally be in control of my actions now and in the future.
Like @Charlesfreck said, Get 3 days. Hitting my third day was the hardest as I would feel I “deserved a drink” after giving my body a rest for a couple days. Make a plan for the upcoming weekend if that’s when you usually binge. My 4-6 days were filled with rage, dizziness, & nausea so maybe plan some things for your kids out of the house if you think you might want to be alone. Stay hydrated, have small easy meals accessible.
Try AA, it’s everywhere and filled with people who know what you’re going through. I tried it for years, it was never something I connected with. Don’t get discouraged, there’s So many tools out there- Literature, meditation, exercise, this forum, Smart Recovery (personally has been the most helpful for me, my local meeting is incredible). Try everything, anything, use all the help you can get and find what works for you. But remember, no matter what tools you use the process is most likely going to be Extremely uncomfortable. Try to accept that because this is absolutely worth it.
For a long time my family had no idea I could somewhat control how much I drank enough to keep it hidden. The longer I continued the worse it got. I am fearful of potential health damage as well but hopefully I will be ok. I look forward to my family noticing a difference in me. Good luck to you.
It is so weird for me to think that I have not gone a week without drinking in probably 4-5 years this is going to be so hard but I have to do it. Thank you for the advice I never thought to look for an app but I saw it on a movie last night so in desperation here I am. I have tried AA and it is tough for me I don’t know what it is about it that throws me off but I am willing to do anything to get through this.
Yeah I love this app. Even when I don’t feel like reaching out I come on here and read other’s posts when I’m having tough cravings and it usually helps to reset my thinking.
And I know what you mean, I hit 7 days in two hours and lasts my longest sober streak since a hospital stay 2 years ago.
Keeping busy is good so u are not bored. Check in here every day and something nice to drink instead juice, soft drink and have that when u feel tempted. U should also reward yourself, i got my nails done and my hair cut after a week of no drinking. I used to be like u 4 kids , uni , very angry too. I am very happy now and things dont bother me much at all. Good luck and hang in.
Your story is so similar to mine that I could have written your post, except that i’m on day 8!
Last time, I made a fool of myself online and apparently said some really nasty things to a few people. When flashes of memories started coming back, I deleted all social media, asked my husband to hold my credit cards/cash, joined here, made apologies with my tail between my legs, and committed to staying present one day at a time. I also have a stack of sobriety books and I haven’t left my house all week, which has been GREAT for me.
Drinking is easy and familiar but it causes us, and the people in our lives, so much pain. It’s irrational that we crave the way we do but recognizing that you cannot control your drinking is an essential step to recovery!
Janelle congratulations for day 8 I feel like it’s an eternity away. I’m sitting in my car right now about to cry between classes because of our financial stresses. This year has been the hardest and I have drank the most. Currently owe blah to power company and blah to water company or they will both be turned off … the story of our life and all I want to do is drink to forget … so I’m on here so I won’t cuz if I do I will loose everything my husband has put up with so much but is sick of it which who can blame him … I can get through this I have to
Ashauna…29 Hours , 1 week, 3 months or years. It’s NOT easy but neither is drinking or having to see the disappointment in yourself after a binge. Stay strong! Talking about it helps and don’t hold back… Be honest ! AA helps but I’ll admit isn’t for everyone as I’ve been before and didn’t connect well. I’m only 14 days sober but wake up each day thankful and be proud of yourself for each day you didn’t choose to drink! Stay strong
Thank you it is an awful feeling for sure today is hard and my head is killing me I have walked around in this cloud so long I don’t even know what healthy and normal feels like but look forward to one day remembering and appreciating it
Drink lots of water and if you like gator aide ( I’m not a fan ). But anything with electrolytes in it will help . Your body is withdrawing alcohol but you can kind of lower the side effects . I was drinking a lot every night and my cravings were rough. Peanut butter helped too
I can relate as well. I am on day 3 and am taking a sick day today. Not feeling great but not feeling shame or guilt either Glad to be on the journey with you. Our children will be proud!
I too have had similar experiences of blacking out and remember praying I didn’t hurt anyone! Check out Women For Sobriety; it’s a support system for women. I have tried AA to but needed something different. Hope it helps!
My heart hurt when you said waking up waiting to hear what you did, I know because I just got married and that’s been happening to me. Before I was single, so didn’t even know what I did the next day.
I’m 6 days in, husband is so proud. I feel mentally so much better. Don’t give up, you can do it, if you mess up get back up and go again.
thank you for the encouraging words I need them now for sure I feel like death for sure and know it is only going to get worse
Glad to be on the journey with you. Our children will be proud!