Why am I like this


Had 5 days under my belt and was just starting to feel a little better physically and I picked up a pill. Honestly so mad at myself. When will the urge to stay sober mean more than the thrill of getting high. I feel so stuck in this revolving cycle and down about life rn. Sigh …


It’s all part of the journey of recovery, it’s not always a straight path! Be kind to yourself and start again. We’re all with you on this, we’ve all been there x


Don’t give up! And don’t be to hard on yourself just learn from your relapse and keep pushing forward


Why did you pick up,
how did you pick up
This journey requires a lot of self searching to try and work out why we do these things.
Is it that easy for you to get hold of. Change that.
You’ve done 5 days. That’s good. Get back up and carry on.
Good luck


An opportunity presented itself because I wound up with cash my husband didn’t know about. Turns out it wasn’t as lucky as I thought it was and realized the only person I’m fooling is myself. Yes Its easy to get ahold of when I’m not being honest. I often find that I tell myself if I can stay sober for x amount of days that it’s ok to use everyone in a while. That it can go back to being recreational. But after 5 yrs, that’s clearly not the case.


Thank you. :heart:


Well, there you are you have already learnt something. You know where your weaknesses are.
I’m gething the “you can drink” voice in my head!
Nasty bugger!


if I can stay sober for x amount of days

When x=1, that’s how long I can stay sober. Just today. Thinking beyond that introduces the idea that it’s OK for me to drink. There is only one day and that is today. And I am not drinking today.

I have a plan to stay sober today. Prayer and meditation have already been done. I am going to an AA meeting this morning. I will see an AA buddy at spin class at noon. I will call my sponsor this evening.

Tomorrow may never come, but if it does I will be sober one day more. Just today. Just this moment. Blessings on your house :pray:.


@SinceIAwoke thank you for sharing this. I need to remind myself to take it day by day and not make future plans to pick up. Cause we all know those are plans we never cancel on :wink:


I find so many people describe the early days of sobriety being the hardest because they feel so bad that having a drink or taking a drug will be the only thing to help them feel better. But for me it is the opposite. When I feel bad like that it is a constant reminder of why I need to get sober. The difficult times come when I am starting to feel physically better because that is when the voice pops in saying “See, it’s not so bad. You feel great. Clearly you’re not an alcoholic. You can have a glass of wine. It’s fine.” This is the time when the REAL work is done.

What I did this time was write a letter to myself when I was feeling so horrible. I described everything I was feeling…both physically and mentally. Now when I am feeling like having a drink and I’ve forgotten how horrible I did feel I take out the letter and read it. Just reading it reminds me that I do NOT want to feel like that ever again!!


@VSue hit it on the head! That’s exactly what I do. Make it to feeling better then it’s back to “you did it ! You got out the hole. Treat yourself !” Lol not funny but so true ! I like the idea of journaling to remind myself how absolutely horrifying withdrawl is. Thank you :pray:


Unfortunately it’ll take a long time, some people still get urge to use for years after getting sober. Gonna have to learn to find thrills in other aspects of life. I’ve been really enjoying doing things I dreamed of doing for years, things I never had the gumption to attempt. Hobbies are a big part of my sobriety, I get to channel my energy and focus into something productive and rewarding.


@VSue Brilliant! Excellent suggestion.


@CaptAZ Gne hardest thing for me being sober is boredom. Sure I still like to go out and do things, but it’s not as interesting or fun. Hate that it’s done that to me. Ive always been an adventurous person but I feel surprisingly more active when I’m using opiates then not.


Don’t beat yourself up. We all wonder why we are the way we are from time to time. I think the desire to fix the problem is on of the most essential steps. I used to be so powerless over drinking, I’d write myself notes, and leave sticky notes on my steering wheel and in my wallet reminding me not to go to the liquor store and yet I’d still fail! Just stay strong and keep fighting to overcome your addiction!


When I got sober, I had no clue how to enjoy life without a drink or a bowl. I had gotten drunk and high for so long everything was dull, boring bland without it. I wasn’t much fun to be around my 3-4 weeks, not a happy camper but I made it to a lot of meetings, IOP sessions and I walked a shit ton… like 12-15 miles a day, with tunes in my ears.

Meetings gave me a lot of positivity and taught me some humility, I listened to the old timers( no joke old timers, 60-80 year olds with 30-50 years sobriety) and I started learning true gratitude. I started enjoying small things, any small accomplishment, enjoyed the visits from my kids on Sundays, enjoyed the parenting sessions with the caseworker, hell I even enjoyed the random piss tests and going back to work every day again. The IOP sessions gave me a counselor who spoke my alcoholic language, he could take and idea and put it into laymans terms for me and I was able to understand and to pass that knowledge along, I got and still get some measure of happiness from passing along knowledge and helping others who are still struggling.

Using has wired our brains for instant gratification, instant reward. Takes time, like 30-45 days before you can enjoy something for the sheer feeling it gives you instead of using a drug to release the dopamine. Instant gratification would be like joining a gym, working out hard for a week and being disappointed when you dont look like the guy on the magazine cover.

So stick with it. We don’t use no matter what. I’ll be 1 year sober next Sunday, and I can tell you from my experience it only gets better and better and better. Best year of my life, by a wide margin.


As a heroin addict I understand the urge to use. But I also understand the progression of the disease. I used to love to get high and go do things that I loved. Then I just loved to get high, and maybe do something. Then I used to love to get high and do nothing. Then I couldn’t do anything unless I was high. Then all I could do was get high. Then I hated everything unless I was high. Then I hated getting high. Eventually I hated everything, including my life. Then I tried to kill myself by overdosing. That’s how long it took me to finally get past the urge. I hope it doesn’t take you that long bc it was not a fun place to be. But rest assured that if you keep using you will go through all those stages too.


@Englishd Feel like I’m halfway there. Lol For the past year I’ve been stuck in the cycle of using for 5 or so days, then promising to quit. Going thru withdrawal, feeling better then going right back. So if I’m not high, I’m coming down and you can bet my ass isn’t doing anything. But lately, when I get high I just sit around and cry. Which is what has lead to me this app and trying to take some active steps in getting clean for good.


Boredom is the symptom of a limited imagination, and this is a result of years fixated on the chains that bound us. Is there something you once did, before the pills, that gave you joy? Painting or pottery? Rock climbing or skydiving? Photography or stamp collecting?

Is there something you’ve always wanted to try, like ballroom dancing or golf?

For me it was martial arts. I studied and trained in them years ago, before the bottle became a prison. I decided I wanted to be a black belt in something other than drinking. Now I am well on my way to this goal in 2 disciplines. I train every day, and attend 3-4 classes a week. Planning a trip to Israel in 2020 to train prior to testing for black belt.

Pursuing a passion that makes you better, you are never bored.



How are you getting on? :slight_smile: I gotta ask, are you saying 5 days of using or 5 days of quitting? So, a previous thread comes to mind when I read this and i’ll throw my 2 cents in with the same view I did that one. Are you actually ready to get sober? Are you taking your sobriety seriously enough to take the steps to do it? You can’t just say to yourself you want to quit and not do anything with it, you need to spend day 1 making a plan and when you have a plan, stick to it. But if you aren’t ready, it’s pretty much already ill fated.

So whats your plan? What are you going to do next time you get to day 5, gather up the money you’ve saved and wonder what to do with it?