I keep finding myself going back to it, took my marriage to almost divorce, almost lost my kids, lost my job but yet this devil keeps taking me I can go 30 days no problem but then for some reason I just see it and pick it up and here we go again back into the cycle, anyone else have this know what to do?
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Welcome to the forum!!! Glad ur here 
I used to be on this same rollercoaster ride as urself. With every relapse i learned what to do and what not to do.
What causes u to pick it up? Is it a thought? Is it easily accessible to u? Is it being around others that do it a trigger for u?
What i found for myself anyway, was that i had to make it very difficult for me to use. Distancing myself from others that did it, not going to areas that would have it, not having it easily accessible, not having too much money on me etc And then i needed to have am action plan for when im triggered or have thoughts of using. Attending an online or in person 12 step mtg is good. Have u tried those? Having distractions in place are also helpful. Self care. And reminding myself of why i quit in the first place by writing down my reasons and looking at that piece of paper. Its importnat to stop, pause, and respond instead of just acting on a thought to pick up, if that makes sense.
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Welcome. Exactly what Butterflymoonwoman said.
If you keep drinking then what you are doing now isn’t enough. I wished and wanted aimlessly for decades. It wasn’t until I started applying myself to something regularly that I started to get anywhere. At least do something everyday, best in the morning, to solidify your commitment to staying sober. Read a chapter of quit lit, listen to a podcast, do a meeting, journal, listen to a meditation, anything.
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For me this sentence is an important one, still is.
If you change nothing, nothing will change. It maybe sound like an old boring quote, but in my opinion this is a very important one.
You have to change stuff.
For me I avoided alcohol related people, places and events the first 3 months of my recovery. So no pub, restaurants, party with friends and even no wine section in the supermarket. I stripped my house from all the alcohol too.
A clean plate to build on.
I came here every day to read here on the forum to keep myself focussed so that little voice in my couldn’t talk me back in to it.
I added some things in my life people up here suggested like reading books about recovery, listen to podcasts, find new hobbies, etc.
You can use the magnifying glass above to find all interesting older treads.
Stick around!
This app kept me sober for years now, but it requires work. Not that you aren’t trying today, but it seems like you need to add things.
This is also a good read: What's YOUR plan? and this is how I did it: 2 years sober and what helped me to get there: Hope you will read something you can use too!
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Hi welcome completely agree with other comments , learn from the relapses and change what doesnt work a saying i liked "the definition of crazy is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results " you can do it its hard work but when it clicks its worth it good luck.
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Welcome Shookie!
I think I can understand your struggle up to a certain point because it took me at least three tries to get clean from my doc. Even more from cigarettes etc. When i decided to cut up alcohol i did just what @Butterflymoonwoman suggested. What really helped me though was my fitness journey: i equated drinking with muscle loss and indeed in like 4-5 months I have drunk like 2 times, one being new years eve. However, now with my sprained ankle it is much harder but we have to remember what we want ourselves to be and what steps we take towards that.
I really hope that helps you.
You are not alone.
Best wishes!
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Try a meeting might help you not repeating wish you well
I think part of it is that we forget the pain our DOC causes us. We forget all the negativity that comes with the brief moment of pleasure. We forget how we disappoint our loved ones. We just forget. This is why sharing is so important, so we won’t forget. Some people share in AA and/or NA groups, some people share here. Whatever you choose, share your experiences and remember what you’re really fighting for; a better YOU.
I hope to see you around.
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