Why I Quit (Amends Question)

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Just wanted to vent about what led up to me quitting alcohol. I’m sure I’m not alone in this scenario. A guy I was dating since October of 2019 (flirting since August), I was really into him and was hoping he was going to be a new meaningful relationship. We had a lot in common, he was a talented musician. We met through mutuals on Facebook. Things ended in a fight in February, after a night of drinking at one of his gigs. I don’t even remember what set it off, but I ended up driving home drunk, 70 miles away. I felt awful the next day and immediately messaged him my profuse apologies, telling him I need to stop drinking, telling him I loved him. I wanted to take responsibility for my part in what happened. I begged for him to tell me what we had argued about. All day, I did that. I didn’t try to call because why should I if he wasn’t replying to my messages? So, I never heard from him again. It broke my heart and I vowed to quit drinking.

Retrospectively, this relationship was rife with problems from the start. I think that final night I had reacted to a provocation. I’m a belligerent drunk. As I mulled over it, working through the pain, I arrived at the conclusion this guy was a covert narcissist. So many red flags I ignored. Key ones are as follows:

*Before we even had met, he had given me the first silent treatment after finding out I had went on a date (someone it turned out I was not attracted to at all).

*He would always leave me hanging with messaging. Long periods of not responding. I knew he was always on his phone and had a female friend he was in touch with. He swore to me he was not into her because she was not pretty.

*I used to drive out to be with him every weekend. He never came to visit me.

He was pretty passive/aggressive, got mad when I said I couldn’t cover every meal and drinks when I came out (even though I said I would here and there).

He would talk crap about his mom all the time (he went back to live at home to be her caretaker).

He used to give slights towards me here in there. Really low-grade things that made me think there was something wrong with me.

He used to exhaust me with endless talking. When I would talk to him though, he would always have his headphones in listening to podcasts.

Christmas was the worst Christmas ever. He kept putting off gift exchange until like 10 pm, we didn’t even go out or order out food. We ended up getting wasted on White Claw and wine. Only went on one booze run. I got all dressed up to go to 7 Eleven. We had apparently let the cat out when we left. The rest of the night was looking for it in the rain, him yelling that it was my fault, giving me an ultimatum for becoming distraught. I still have a bruise on my shin from banging it on a chair, because I had knelt to give him a hug when he found his cat in its usual spot, he was bawling like a baby.

So many other things…

It’s been pretty weird thinking of the timing of it too. Things ended right before the pandemic. I had started going to AA. Had one relapse in April. But ever since then, I’ve been alone and sober. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life at the rate the world is going too.

I can’t make amends to this guy, now that I’ve worked so hard to quit drinking and get over him. If I reached out, it would rip open that scab. Are all amends neccessary? I already apologized to him and admitted my wrongdoing.

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I don’t work the program but from the small dabble I did in it, it’s my understanding that you don’t have to make amends if it’s going to cause harm. And from what you’ve described, it seems like this could be extremely detrimental to you.

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Sometimes the scab can be covering an infection, sometimes it can be covering healing skin.

Step 9 says to make direct amends to others when you can, unless it would do harm to them or others.

If it’s gonna cause him or your sobriety harm, I would forgo it for now and do so when you get an opportunity later and are much more comfortable in your sobriety. You’re willing to make amends, even with the laundry list of justifications you laid out.

I assume you have a sponsor… what do they say about that particular problem?

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No sponsor. I’m not doing the program with others. No interest in Zoom meetings. I switched to sheer will power, but I have the books. I’m coming up on 90 days, happy to say. Edit: wanted to add that people I spoke to back when I was going to meetings said I don’t need to address that now since there were so many other steps before that step.

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I like your take. Thank you.

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Let me ask you this:

If you were to make “amends” to him what would you actually say? Also, what do you think would be his response? I dont know the whole situation but personally from how you describe him as a narcissist and that you say he never spoke to you again after that night to me says he was looking for any excuse out and him never responding to you means he didn’t value anything enough to save it so… do you think he really felt wronged? I guess knowing what you said would help but again… he wont respond. In my mind you’ve already done your part and there’s not even any mends to make there.

Just curious too, how did he give you the silent treatment before he ever met you? Did you mean before you guys even started dating? Or was this an online thing?

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I’m a patient and introverted kind of gal. But, when I was drinking and lashed out, about 80 percent of the time, it was something that was kind of brewing that I kept pushing down. I’m not saying that it was healthy or right. I’m saying that based on all that you were venting about, you could have been brewing to the point of explosion. New page in your life, new story, new you. Roll with it and leave him in the past. Hugs :heart::heart::heart:

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It’s about clearing your wreckage, if it’s something that’s nagging at you, it’s something that should be dealt with sooner than later.

Personally I’d let it go for the time being, because I liked a routine in early sobriety and didn’t do anything to rock my boat. Took me about 18 months before I made amends with my brother, I was fully ready and it was a blessing quite honestly. Don’t know if it would have gone the way it had, given me the peace it did or cleared up some of the stuffy air between us had I done it sooner.

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I don’t think you need to make amends. You already apologized to him and it seems like you have suffered because his behaviour. Also it sounds like the guy was an asshole anyway. If reaching out now would open the wound, Id say dont do it. Looks like you already moved on.
Stay strong :love_you_gesture::grinning:

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Thank you for that perspective. Did he really feel wronged…

Just to answer your question, it was before we ever went on a date. We were chatting on Fb Messenger a lot, kept talking about meeting. When I took the initiative and made plans, reservations, etc., he cancelled the night before, saying he was sick. I was totally “Don’t worry about, feel better!” During my mending time after the fallout, I forgot had I checked his Instagram. He was tagged in a picture at a party, like the next day.

I went on a date with a guy from a dating site the following weekend, but my mind was always on this guy.

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Thank you :blush:

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Here’s some step 9 reading.
It is always important for us to remember 2 things. The steps are in the order they are for a reason. And that a whole butt load of growth and understanding has to happen before step 9.

And that amends are for the other person, not ourselves. Yes, clearing our wreckage helps us in the long run. But initially, it’s not about us.

When I washed up on the shores of Alcoholics Anonymous a very sick man. When I saw that step 9 up on the wall, it was very appealing to me. I thought that Making amends would sure make me feel better.
So I tried that. I went home and tried to make what I thought were amends to people I had harmed… what a fucking disaster that was. I made things so much worse on myself. And about a year later I actually had to make Real amends for the selfish and egotistical amends that I attempted to make before.

So yeah Pal, I suggest you hold off. You are doing great and something like making amends to this person will only hurt you and your recovery.

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Thank you, I usually speak my mind, but when I did with him I was met with manipulation, so I started to shutting up to keep the peace. So I think I blew up.

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Thank you for your insight.

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Thank you!

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Amen to that.
Stay the eff away. He sounds toxic!

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I’d say get a sponsor. Doing the steps on your own is still just using your own will, which if you are in AA you know isn’t good.

As for amends I’d say yes, you have to make them. Amends aren’t about his actions, they are about yours. If you think you might relapse, or aren’t ready to make the amends, it’s a pretty clear sign you haven’t done the previous steps right.

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@Asenath You don’t owe him anything. You do not “need” to make amends. The steps tends to throw the spotlight on you “unless it would do harm to them or others”, “promptly admitted our wrongdoings”, Looking at your “charactet defects”. Fine as long as it is balanced. What about harm to you? What are his wrongdoings + why do you feel the need to apologize? I agree he sounds like he has NPD. His personality disorder and the steps throw the spotlight on you, but you have your own rights as a thinking, feeling individual. I have even heard of people doing step four where the sponsor asked them what their role was in their rape or abuse and what THEIR character defects were that caused their resentment.
So stick up for your rights, grow stronger from it and heal. And rejoice that you dodged a bullet! :pray::heart:

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There is only one person my sponsor said I shouldn’t make amends to. Some of the old timers here know her as K. It would be incredibly damaging to her for me to reach out to her. Other than that I must make every attempt to set things right with people I’ve harmed. I’ve had to repay people I’ve stolen from. I had a difficult conversation with a person who, in my opinion, harmed me greatly. I had to go in to a store I stole from and asked what I could do to make it right.

When we say we will go to any lengths to stay sober that includes things we don’t want to do.

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Sounds to me you had a lucky escape ,you knew all of this but decided to let it fall by the way side ,but you have now decided to give yourself a chance ,a life,and in time once you get to work and understand who you really are etc your find someone that deserves to be with you.:pray::pray: No amends needed opening that can of worms will harm you more tbh so except your part and move on ,god if I had to apologize and go into shops I stole from I’d be doing it for the rest of my life​:rofl::rofl: I agree with amends but I feel it can be taken to far sometimes.we know what we have done wrong and to whom we have hurt.

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