"My Worst Day"
Battling depression and being an Alcoholic all these years you hit some highs and a whole lot of lows. I've been on and off meds for depression for pretty much my entire adult life. I know I've ran out at times and just stopped taking them. With the amount I was drinking they didn't seem to do much anyways. During my brief highs I'd get back on them and then the cycle would repeat itself. Alcohol was my anti depressant. It wasn't lost in me that alcohol was really a depressant but for what I was dealing with it seemed to get me away from my thoughts and myself.
I hungout with a good friend recently had a blast! Woke up early and had a whole day filled with fun events. Hadn't had a day like that in a long time and I wouldn't remember it anyways. As the night came to a close we talked about what a great day it had been. He was drunk and tired but before he went to bed he said to me "I think overall I'd mark today as a 7...just a great Saturday..I mean I've had my share of zeros and I know you have too! Nothing wrong with a 7."
I've tryed to figure out my "worst day ever" countless times. This is something normal functioning humans would try there hardest to forget but for me it was always on my mind during my brief sober moments. Unfortunately it was impossible to figure out being sober/numb.I think what would trigger this thought was...trying to remember the messed up night before and then trying to analysis if/or if not it made the top 10! Trying to pick One single day out of a blur of shitty days is no easy task.
Without a doubt losing my good friend Jim was a terrible day. A day I will Never forget. I loved that guy, and it changed me forever. I can't use that as my own personal "worst day ever" though. Took me getting sober and a couple breakdowns to realize that. I ran into him one morning a couple weeks before his death at the grocery store it was nice.I was sober we had a nice chat and I'm forever grateful for that memory alone...it's mine.
I've been left plenty of places in my years of drinking. Was left at a casino once..drunk, broke, no phone, and running on 30 some hours of no sleep. After I walked 25 miles in mud..tired and pissed I finally gave in to my pride and called my mom collect from a pay phone for a ride because I Needed to get to work. Longest 12 hour shift of my life. That day sucked (a for sure zero) not my worst though. Was kicked out of a car an left on a dark highway one New Years Eve drunk in nothing but a t shirt. For 2 hours I walked..how I didn't freeze to death is beyond me.(Was sick for a while though!)Mark it a zero.
Losing the love of my life and Knowing I couldn't get her back took any life I had in me and blew it away. The high I had with being with her sent me falling down this deep and dark hole id been digging myself long before I knew she even exsisted. I had chose booze over her and I couldn't help myself. By far the worst feeling ever. That's a zero.
I was 21 living In Mankato with a couple of girls that were going to school there. I was "the guy on the couch" and my friend got me a job where she worked watching over MS patients. I worked 10-6 overnights so my only job really was getting the patients to bed and staying awake. I had lost my licence again and got pulled over driving illegally so I was biking 7 miles to work and back.
I finally pin pointed the day, March 12 2004 It was a Friday night I remember waking up and getting cleaned up so we could go the bar. I started pre-gaming at around 6.(And by that I mean getting drunk before I go to the bar) Anyways closed the bar and I found an after bar. By now I've lost my friends and are with complete strangers. We drank till the liquor store opened and I went an got more. I only remember this date because I was drunk texting and calling people at 10am singing Happy Birthday to a young Canadian woman as I walked the streets of Mankato.(hammered)
I bring back a case of Corona we have a few and back to the bar we go. To this day I've only been cut off twice in my life and it was the first two bars we walked into. So the last place we stopped I believe was a Buffalo Wild Wings. I was thrown out of there too. Apparently the chicken wings I was eating weren't mine. So the two guys I was with took off(shocker).So I stumbled upon a biker bar. They wouldn't let me play cards but they let me drink which I settled for. So this brings me to about 7 pm. And it dawned on me I had to be to work in 3 hours. So I stumbled the few miles home showered and biked my 7 miles and worked. I did my job the best a drunk man could do. Ordered food and somehow stayed awake.
Sunday morning when I got home I remember my head pounding like it never had before, my liver was kicking, everything just hurt. I carried my bike up that flight of steps and into the apt and went directly to the bathroom. I threw up everything. I puked harder then I ever have. I thought I was dieing...I felt panic and that my heart was going to stop. I was sweating profusely, felt the alcohol flowing out of my pours. I got off the floor and looked in the mirror and blood started rushing out of both of my nostrils. I remember starting to reach for some toilet paper and a single drop of blood landed on the counter. I leaned over the sink and just let my nose drain. Completely exhausted I stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like forever. My eyes were puffed up broken blood vessels in and all around my eyes. Tears, blood and sweat dripping down my face. I literally looked like I was beaten up.
I could not stop staring at myself. I felt disappointed, I felt sad an empty, I felt helpless. I knew right there and then I had a serious problem. I knew what I was doing to myself was insane and sick. The saddest part of it all was I refused to tell myself I was Never drinking again. There was no hope. I knew I had a problem but I had no intentions on fixing it. This was me.
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